Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

[TheBolans]

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

“If your DP can't fit into their plans HE needs to explain this to them. Its not your discussion as they are his friends.”

I’m glad someone said it. You don’t have to ‘firmly tell them’, your partner needs to man up. Don’t start mummying him before you’re even married. Expect him to be a grown up - you’re going to need one throughout your married life.

You simply tell them that neither of you will commit to going to their wedding, be firm but be polite.

I was going to say just this. I think you need to book a honeymoon that clashes with their wedding asap. Or even just a weekend-long 'mini-moon' the weekend of their wedding.

You need to find new friends because these are definitely not friends. Have a wonderful wedding.

Sorry mate, we can’t afford all of that so close to our wedding and with OPs heart surgery coming up. Happy to attend as guests on the day though.

and if they kick off and end your friendship then they were never your friends to start with.

If it’s a friend he should be able to be honest. You have a lot going on and financially you can’t commit to being a groomsman and don’t want to disappoint his friend by doing badly and having ongoing issues so best to not be a groomsman but would love to be a guest and help where he can.

In my day you didn’t expect bridesmaids and grooms to pay their own stuff which they may never wear again.

I thought if you wanted matching suits you forked out for your ushers or groomsmen to hire them.

I have been off the wedding scene, obviously, so can someone tell me what a groomsman is? Is it an usher?

I think this is a great response.

If this causes any kind of upset or argument with the friend - that would be on your DP's friend - and he would be showing he's not that great a friend in the first place.

Is it rude to ask you how much your travel insurance is…while awaiting open heart surgery??

Sorry I don’t get your first bit. I said they CAN get married whenever they want to. I never said our wedding should dictate when they get married. What I am saying is that I think it’s unreasonable of them to book their wedding 3 weeks after ours AND expect us to fork out money without considering that we will not have much money at that time due to our own wedding being so close

I can just see further costs on the horizon for this friend's wedding. I hope you can let them know about your personal situation soon so you can stop feeling stressed about. Good luck for your surgery and btw your wedding sounds perfect 👌

These people aren’t friends if they’re being like this. I’d just say I can’t afford it and I’m sorry if that means I can’t be in your wedding party. Personally I’d ditch them as friends completely.

Also I don’t think being in someone’s wedding should cost anything more than a wedding gift. I paid for all my bridesmaids dresses, all the groomsmen’s kilt hire, and everyone’s accommodation at the venue. We could afford it, but if we couldn’t we would have cut down on the cost of the wedding, not made our best friends pay for everything. It shouldn’t be a burden to be in someone’s wedding party. I’ve been a bridesmaid in a very inexpensive wedding and it was casual and informal and although the bride didn’t pay for our dresses, we could wear anything we liked within a very broad colour scheme, and I wore a dress I already had. Every other time I was a bridesmaid, my dress was paid for by the bride.

How does dp feel about standing down as groomsman and the potential fallout from that?

Don't make a big deal out of it being so close to your wedding. The important part is that you can't afford these things. That's all you need to say.

(Although if you are expecting that friend to pay for similar things for your wedding then I'd bend over backwards to meet the cost. But I assume that's not the case).

You mention going out for dinner with them, so maybe you could think about saving a bit more - depending on the hotel and the restaurant, a couple meals out can potentially add to the cost of a hotel room.

Is there anyone you can borrow the money from so he doesn’t miss out on the stag and you don’t miss out on their wedding? If not I’d just be honest and say look I’m really sorry I’ve tried really hard to get the extra money to come but can’t.

Having a wedding 3 weeks after yours isn't the issue but having a expensive one is! But at the end of the day you can't expect them to plan their wedding around yours. I think you just have to say that with your operation and a family wedding unfortunately you just can't get friend's wedding in as well. Be clear your not expecting them to change it for you, you just can't do it then