Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

[TheBolans]

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

Ugh, I’m annoyed for you. These aren’t real friends. Have a lovely wedding.

Just tell them no. It's that bloody simple. You're going to have to deal with far more difficult situations than this in life so get used to putting your foot down. They're hardly friends, they obviously don't care about you and what you're going through.

A stag do is the most unnecessary part of the "friend's" expectations here. Men get together and go do things (that they can go anytime) and these over the top out of the country ones seem mostly to involve binge drinking and sex tourism.

You need to stay as you chose to have your wedding 3 weeks after ours it will of course mean we can’t attend as will be completely skint

Like any event, I believe a wedding invitation is not a summons. If you can’t go, you politely say sorry. If you are invited to be part of the wedding party, but can’t afford the associated costs, you also say thanks but no thanks because XYZ.

You are overthinking it.
If the pair getting married can’t understand the block on you being able to go is cost and health, you would have to ask how good a friendship do we have.

That’s perfect actually - saying “I can’t afford to be your groomsman”.

it’s not saying he doesn’t want to be but truthfully cannot afford it.

silly comment about saying your wedding is cheap. Not only is that incredibly rude, but also the whole point is that you are not prioritising spending on it - clearly the same reason you can’t prioritise spending on the friend’s wedding. Duh!

I think the old mumsnet phrase of "its an invitation, not a summons" applies here. Just dont go to the wedding, you really won't be missing that much.

Please don't write this. It's horribly cold and formal. I'd be upset to get something so dismissive. Assuming you still want to keep the friendship, explain that the reason your wedding is cheap is you don't have money to throw around. You absolutely want to help them celebrate, but it has to become within a certain budget.

Have you explained your financial commitments and difficulties in the way you have here in the original post? If not - do so. I think it’s quite reasonable to see why you’re financially struggling when explained like this. If they’re still not sympathetic then sod ‘em.

Your friends are CFs

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

They can't make anyone pay for stuff they don't want to. They can't expect him to pay to go away for a stag do, hotel night before wedding or the suit. Friend can go fuck himself.

Be honest and message to say, we are so pleased you are geetting married, its fabulous. However, we have a lot of outgoings to pay, a wedding which is small because thats our budget. At this time, we wont be having a honey moon due to affordability and a brothers wedding and will struggle to pay for a stag do and overnight stay as well as suits etc I think honesty is the besy answer here.

I have a heart condition and insurance is insane. If you are waiting for surgery I am seriously surprised anyone is offering to cover you. However, hope you have a lovely time and don’t bother about the friends wedding. Yours is what’s important.

Concentrate on your wedding, health and marriage. This guy isn't much of a friend tbh. Another thing is most people I know aren't even close with people they had in their wedding party 10 years later as life does have a habit of moving on.

I think it's totally unreasonable to tell someone they 'have' to pay out to attend an abroad stag do, buy a special suit, and pay for accommodation the night before their wedding.

It's not ok to get angry with a friend who says they're sorry, but they can't afford to do that.

It's not ok to tell your friend that they can't book a honeymoon straight after THEIR OWN wedding because it will interfere with yours.

It's not ok to get very upset that your friend has been honest with you re what he can afford.

It's really RUDE to talk trash about your friend's wedding, calling it 'cheap'.

All things considered, this person is a crap friend, and I would be rethinking whether I even wanted to attend his wedding as a guest.

They are the ones being so unbelievably cheap. You are having the wedding you can afford. They are having the wedding they want on other people’s dime. So crass.

Perfect!

Your dh needs to be brave and either tell you that his friend is a priority and so somehow the budget needs to change OR tell his friend that his wedding can't be a priority for him right now, maybe that means he can't be a groomsman, maybe it means his friend is cross with him but ultimately sometimes the decisions we make can annoy people - it's their choice what they do, and how they feel. It's your dps choice what he does.

This is spot on for me. I think the most reasonable outcome is for your DP to say he can’t be a groomsman because he can’t afford all the expenses. And you attend as guests.

Dp’s friend is a groomzilla.

That's just a shitty move on your DP's friend's part, if they were expecting your partner / you to be a part of their wedding.

Three weeks apart is just ridiculous. A lot of people honeymoon for 2-3 weeks and don't go straight from the church. The comment about you delaying your honeymoon (which doesn't sound as though it's a joke) is genuinely disgusting - your DP's friend does not respect that your wedding is as important to you as his wedding is to him. He also doesn't respect your wedding in the way he wants you to respect his. What a shitty person.

He's at liberty to have his wedding whenever he wants. He is a dick for expecting you to spend on his wedding and potentially change your own wedding plans to fit around his. What a douchebag.

I mean, when this "friend" has a tanty about you guys not spending X to attend his lavish stag do, it's worth reminding him that you're not even spending that much on your own so there's no way you'd spend it on someone else's.

I really object to such entitled behaviour and I despise people trying to spend other people's money for them.

Also, why the fuck isn't this guy paying for his own groomsmen's suits? He's having the wedding he wants, on other people's dime, and is then getting shitty about it when people say "no". The fucktard needs a reality check. Ditch him. He's not a real friend of your DP if he is not championing your DP's nuptials.

I voted YABU only due to your last sentence.
I think it is pretty reasonable to pay for your own hotel room and stag do place. Even the suit isn’t too bad…not ideal but not ludicrous.
However it is also reasonable to not be able to afford it. The groom should not have to cover all costs for your partner. Your partner should just tell him that sadly he is unable to afford to be a groomsman and go to the stag do but he would love to come to the wedding as a guest.

Sorry if I've missed something - but if you still don't know the date of your surgery then you can't commit to anything in the near future can you?
That is an excellent reason to be unable to promise anything. You have to keep your dates clear.