Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

[TheBolans]

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

Your DP needs to back out as a groomsman.
Tell the friend it's not affordable due to his own wedding costs, another family wedding and planning on taking time off. Go as guests and not part of their wedding.

It's unusual to expect the groomsmen to pay for their own suits, you don't expect bridesmaids to for their dresses so it should be the same.

Maybe your DP could step down from being a groomsman...say you would love to share their special day but due to finances he can't afford to attend the stag do abroad, pay for suits and rooms but he would like to take him out for a pint for a mini stag and he'll step down as groomsman due to being unable to afford the extra costs involved.

I admire the decency of all the people who suggested declining politely with explanations. They are better people than me. I for one would sternly reassess the 'friendship' and start going through the process of breaking off contact.

Congrats on your wedding and all the best with your surgery.

It’s a wedding invitation, not a court summons. He just needs to decline the invitation and decline anything else he doesn’t want to do. If he looses the friend over it, then they aren’t a friend worth having anyway.

It’s an invitation not a summons. Don’t delay or change any of your plans. I’d be grateful that they weren’t getting married 3 weeks before your wedding. You can’t go. If they choose to drop out of your wedding it will save you a few pounds towards your honeymoon.
Congratulations 💖

It’s apparently it is the done thing in America. Crazy to expect the bridal party to pay for the dress.

Your DP needs to tell his "friend" privately why he can't do this, mentioning the financial situation and your surgery.
If the "friend" does not understand this then he is not a friend at all and you can politely decline to attend

i’m going to be honest with you.. I get why you’re disappointed and annoyed. But it really is that kind of anger you should be having in a quiet space as a vent with your partner, knowing it’s not really fair to be angry but you’re only human, getting it off your chest and then moving on.

As a society we have all become way too self absorbed. Your partners friends have done absolutely nothing wrong - they’ve booked a wedding after yours and albeit rather close; it’s not the same weekend. You could still easily do a two week honeymoon and make it back. You also don’t know the reason for their date - their venue might have limited options, clashes with family availability etc.

How much you spend on your mate’s wedding is personal but if he’s your husband to be’s groomsman then really he should mirror it back. I get the stag abroad might be tough, and if your groom is funding his mate’s suit then it should be vice versa.

But all in all they should be able to be excited about their wedding and vice versa. When I got married ten years ago we had six weddings in the run up to ours. It was the age and time friends were getting wed. Since then we’ve all had kids, and there’s constantly clash of availability. It’s just life. Everyone’s life is their own priority, and you’ve to weigh up who/what is impotent to you vs what you can/can’t afford. If you genuinely can’t afford some things honesty is the best policy and they’ll get over it. But if it stems from jealousy in sharing the limelight be careful. We should be able to celebrate our friends and ourselves without competition or comparison.

You partner needs to explain your own wedding plans are being managed based onn your financial situation and he is very sorry that he would love to be part of their wedding party

I declined being bridesmaid at my friends wedding, I went as a guest instead.
Like ye I couldn’t spare the money and this was the easiest way to remove any financial obligation as early as possible.

They are not your friends!

DP’s friend sounds like a twat rather than a friend. DP will just have to tell him he’s too busy with his own wedding and skint given that he’s been so rude and has a complete lack of understanding

You husband hasn't been asked to be the best man so his friend has got other options, and as much as your husband may want to be a groomsmen for his friend, his friends terms and conditions aren't acceptable to you both in your particular circumstances.

So he needs to politely decline for personal financial reasons ( not mentioning the cost of compliance with the friends conditions is too expensive,) due his impending period of unpaid leave , and confirm that you will be delighted to attend as ordinary guests, assuming your surgery doesn't prevent you .

I don’t know how old you are, but for the last few years in my DC friendship groups have been a never ending round of endless weddings and stag/hens. I dread to think what the cost has amounted to. Some of these events have been considerate and low cost and some have been extravagant and bordering on outlandish.

I think you just have to be firm, we would love to attend your wedding, we have saved very hard for our wedding and had to keep it small, we cannot afford to go on the stag or pay for the suit but will come as guests and be there for the day.

Personally, I don’t think any bride or groom should expect their friends to pay for their own bridesmaid/groom costs including outfits and hair/make up. If you want it, you fund it.

You could always charge them now for their outfits and use the money to fund the outfits for theirs.

Weddings are expensive for everyone, even guests, especially if hotels before and or after are required, outfits, gifts etc.

You just need to be firm, they need to understand that it's not financially viable, or just say you can't commit to that as you may have you op then so can't lay out money for hotels etc when you may not even be able to go as yet.

Probably best for your partner to say he can't commit to being a groomsman due to the costs.

When I got married (not that long ago!), I paid for the best man and groomsmen’s suits. Is this not the case anymore? If I were DP, I’d tell the friend to take a hike with the extras as well. I did my stag the night before wedding (destination wedding) as well. Kept costs down, and was no less fun plus I got to invite those I’d not normally have invited to a stag.

Yes this

You can’t magic up money you don’t have so 🤷‍♀️ and if the friend falls out with your partner, so be it, he’s a prick anyway

Yes, the friends are entitled to do what they want with their own wedding but the expectation on OP and her DH-to-be are ludicrous and crass.

Saying these guys could just honeymoon for 2 weeks... Why should they potentially feel bound to cut their own honeymoon short for someone else's wedding?

The issue isn't the other wedding being 3 weeks later, it's the expectation of the OP and her DH-to-be. The "friend" needs to accept with grace the OP / DH-to-be's reasons for not attending or not throwing a shit tonne of money at someone else's celebration.

I think your message is pretty hypocritical - the OP and her DH-to-be shouldn't make things all about themselves but the other couple are allowed to? Very strange take.

No one's forcing you to go just decline the invite

You've got lots of valid reasons to have the wedding you want. And you have decided to kindly pay for some stuff.

The same way they have chosen their wedding to suit them.

If your DP can't fit into their plans HE needs to explain this to them. Its not your discussion as they are his friends.

It's totally unreasonable to ask someone to be part of your wedding party, put loads of demands on them and expect them to pay for it. Your DH's friend is being unreasonable here. The groom pays for his groomsmen's suits or is flexible on what they wear. If they want them to stay in a particular hotel, they pay for it otherwise they let them make their own arrangements that are within their budget. It's really basic common sense and basic manners.
The idea that you can dictate to people how much money they spend on your wedding is ridiculous. This man is no friend if he can't understand that your DH just doesn't have the budget to do this.

DP just has to be honest and say he simply can't afford to buy a suit (what's wrong with the one he has bought for his own wedding?) aor a stag do abroad, or a night at the venue- sorry but I just don't have the money for any of it, end of.
Booking so close there werew bound to be clashes and problems of affordability- your DP's friend must be a bit dim or very entitled not to realise that.

Missing the point a little bit, but can't your husband wear the same suit he wore at his own wedding?

My DH just has one morning suit, that has been trotted out to every wedding for the last 30 years. Including his own!