Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

[TheBolans]

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

A message based around this would be good.

The reality is, he is not a good friend to be acting like this, so don't worry about the repercussions!

This. Fucking groomzilla. What is it about weddings that turns some people into selfish entitled monsters?

Your DH needs to tell him he can’t afford any of it. That he needs to take unpaid leave to look after you after heart surgery so groomzilla needs to be considerate. He shouldn’t even need telling! I think open heart surgery just slightly trumps his wanky wedding in the order of priorities in the universe.

I'm confused as to why you're referring to these people as your 'friends'.

These people sound awful. They know you have a lot going on and that you can’t afford this kind of money on your own wedding so why would they think you’d magic it up for theirs? I’d pull out of the whole thing yesterday. Obviously your husbands responsibility to actually do it though.

The backstory is somewhat irrelevant because even if you were wealthy it's unreasonable for them to expect you to shrll out for all that.

Making someone a groomsman or bridesmaid shouldn't effectively be a fine for being a closer friend. It should be recognition that they are special in your life and to show it they will be treated as if they are a priority, which should not mean the "special" person incurs additional expenses and chores and demands on their time. If you end up in a worse position than the remotest cousin or friend from work, how is that any sign of appreciation of them?

Weddings have gone stark staring mad, with people being coerced into 'proving their friendship' by paying for things and going to places which are impractical and unaffordable. In this situation I would tell your friends that because you can't afford to do what is expected DP can't be a groomsman, but you will be there on the day wishing them all the very best. Then leave it.

All that is needed is for your partner to tell his friend he cannot be a groomsman. That removes the need to pay for the stag do, suit and overnight stay. It doesn’t have to be done in anything but a good natured way. The sooner the better so they can make other arrangements. These large American style wedding parties are a choice. I imagine it might result in a reciprocal pull out from your wedding party.

If that results in further acrimony between them, then your partner needs to evaluate the friendship.

Assuming the friendship survives you need to decide if you want to attend and commit to it in so much as you can.

A lot of money and grief would be saved if you all opted to have one bridesmaid and a best man.

Who on earth are the 16% who've voted you are being unreasonable? I can only assume that either they took bridezillering to Olympic heights or they've voted on the thread title without reading the context. It's not the fact of them booking their wedding three weeks later, it's the reason OP and partner can't meet their demands to spend, spend, spend. Although I think what they're asking would be ridiculous and unreasonable at any time.

OP what does your soon-to-be DH think abut it? Is he trying to find away to afford it all or is he saying no way?

In a fantasy world I'd change the date of your wedding to the same day as theirs. You can't possibly do both!

In the real world, no to being groomsman, no to any expensive overnights or stags or whatever, and good luck with your own wedding and surgery.

It's pretty rich of him to call you cheap while asking his groomsmen to cover suits and extra nights at the wedding venue. It would be customary for this stuff to come out of the wedding budget. If he can't afford the cost of groomsmen, he doesn't need to have them

I don’t think you should be telling the friend anything. Your DP needs to explain the financial situation and maybe ask to be a guest rather than a groomsman.

I bloody hate it when other peoples wedding ends up costing other people! I’d be telling him either you can’t commit due to heart surgery, so just count me and DW in for wedding guests.

Honestly, I think all your energy should be put into getting married and concentrating on your upcoming heart surgery. Anything else is just background noise and not really worth the upset. Withdraw from the friends wedding and here’s to a lovely life with your husband to be.

That doesn't sound like a friend to me.

I can beat you, my little sister is getting married 2 weeks after me in June, in Ireland(we're in England)so means we can't go/very expensive for everyone! 😭😅

I think they're super entitled and need telling.

But...

"AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?"

Yes YABU because your husband can speak for himself!

True friends don’t behave like that. I’d just say you’re unable to go and wish them well. If they are true friends, they would respect your decision with no argument.

Being honest, that simply can't afford it should be enough for his friend. If he wants to keep arguing and being crappy about it - he's no friend. That's the bottom line. Sorry to say. He can book his wedding when he wants but you have no obligation to go for any reasons you like.

Oh, and I hate people who book stag and hen do's overseas, it is tone deaf. Some people simply can't afford to do this. It's expensive enough as it is going out drinking all night, cabs, meal out etc.

Good luck with the surgery OP, hope not too long to wait after all and wish you a speedy recovery after.

What rubbish friends. They are being extraordinarily tone deaf.
Stand your ground and make sure you and DP are on the same page. Let DP do the talking as it's his friend.
If there's a fallout and the friendship ends, I honestly don't think it's any great loss.

There probably will be a fall out, but he doesn't sound very nice, and you probably don't need that when you are about to have heart surgery. I'd be absolutely firm, state your point, then don't re-engage. He's not a good friend.

DP just needs an honest conversation with his friend and say that financially he's completely unable to commit to any more expenses.

Oh, Op, if this makes you feel any better. A lovely lovely neighbour is getting married and their wedding is one I'd actually like to go to because they are totally ace people. But I have turned it down - we are in the middle of two homes at the moment and don't know if will be an hour away or 3 but the reason is I have a very needy, nervous and kidney failure cat who throws up/refuses food a lot. Can't put her in a cattery, can't have anyone come in to feed as she will run out the house (she's done this twice already) and not come back for weeks with a stranger in it, making further care impossible. So to leave her for an entire day or possibly overnight is a no. I did feel guilty, but what can I do?

So I've turned down a wedding invite because of my cat. I think you can say no because of funds! :-)

Not a very nice crowd he mixes with.
In this day and age there is absolutely no shame in saying 'We can't afford'.
So, 2 choices -1) Tell them that, straight after your own wedding, you can't afford to go along with all this madness (ok, don't say the last bit!) or 2) if you don't want to be so blunt, as per a PP, unbeknown to you family have clubbed together and booked a honeymoon weekend for you and unfortunately the dates clash.
They will never change, people fundamentally don't, so have a long, hard thing about whether, going forward, their values align with yours but that's for another day.
Best wishes for your wedding and surgery.

He can book his wedding for whenever he wants but he can't demand your dp pays for a night in a hotel or goes overseas on a stag do. Your DP needs to tell him he can't be a groomsman as he doesn't have the funds. Just attend as guests for the day.

It is so crass to invite someone to a wedding and then present them with a bill for this crap or make demands of them like this. What has happened to people? Focus on your wedding and honeymoon OP, do not consider his timelines.