Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

[TheBolans]

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

You are not being unreasonable but your partners friend certainly is

I don't know you and even I can tell from what you've said that you can't afford it. And this person is supposed to be a 'friend'. No real friend puts you in that kind of position. Neither does any normal person say 'don't book your honeymoon after your wedding so you can do something for me'. Just say no to their nonsense and if I were your OH I'd be rethinking the 'friendship'. I hope you have a lovely wedding and that your surgery goes well.

Well your DP obviously needs to tell him. He can book his wedding for any date he wishes but he can’t expect your DP to afford to attend when he has his own wedding to fork out for around the same time.

The cheap wedding is the one where CFs expect their friends to pay for it.
OP yours is the generous wedding, because you aren't expecting your friends to stump up for it.
It's a shame you didn't put the CF straight at the restaurant, it would have served him right. Still needs to be done. Personally I'd be crossing them off my Christmas card list anyway after that selfish behaviour.

My ex husband fell out with his best mate over exactly this issue. His mate was very insistent on having loads of money thrown and it and overseas travel etc , but as we were raising a young family we simply didn’t have the money to do it, coupled with the fact that we were living overseas at the time too, so it would have been doubly expensive. When he explained this, his mate was rude and stroppy and told him he was no longer needed as groomsman, and their relationship ended ( despite the fact we all travelled to the wedding anyway)
this attitude people have regarding their weddings really pisses me off, they become utterly selfish attention seekers and very presumptuous about other people’s financial situations, they should be bloody lucky to have friends that are willing to be guests! Never mind the drama when they can’t keep up with their OTT celebrations.
you have enough on your plate ,do exactly as you please and avoid all the stress they are causing by stupidly booking the wedding so close to yours.

Bollocks to that. A partner of mine was asked to buy a particular suit and stay at the wedding venue. He said no, if you really want that stuff you will have to pay for it, so they relented.

I would try to find the money for the stag do though.

Just dump them. You cant start having major financial stress because of them, and especially if you are having surgery. If they dont sympathise with your sotuation they are not friends. Get rid of them. They dont care about you.

Modern life is so full of waste and profligacy. This spending of money on wedding clothes is insane. You could trim costs of your wedding by not paying for groomsmen's suits and specifying on the invitation to wear suit, tie and polished shoes; does it matter if they don't exactly match? Men can wear any normal dark grey suit, shirt and tie. Then your DP can wear the same outfit to their wedding.

This post nails it for me. The OP and partner and deliberately having a small, lowest cost they can design for their wedding. They do not want to then spend a shedload on someone else's wedding.

OP's partner needs to spell it out to his friend.

Why would you "try to find the money for the stag do"? It's all just expense that this couple are trying to avoid and are trimming down their own costs as a result.

YABU to say that they can get married 'whenever' and that your marriage and situation should dictate their wedding date.

However, YANBU for the rest of it. I think, as PP have said, it's not unreasonable for your DP to bow out of his friend's wedding plans. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and sending best wishes for the surgery and recovery.

They’re very selfish. They knew when yours was and that you’re on a budget.

just say that you’re on a budget, would love to attend but can’t be part of the show as such. They’ll just have to get over it. If they’re good fiends they’ll understand. If not then they’re not great friends at all.

saying that yours is cheap so you can spend on theirs is mad - yours is cheap because it’s all you can afford!!

Just have the argument @TheBolans

people like this “friend” get away with this utter batshittery because people allow them too

”No mate, we can’t afford a stag abroad and even if we could @TheBolans might be recovering from surgery or whatever, I’m taking unpaid leave and we have our own wedding to pay for. So, no to the stag, no to the suit, to the night before. We don’t have the money or the capacity to agree to anything atm”

Ah, the groomzilla. Most men in the past had zero interest apart from the stag do you which was usually just a glorified night out.
I love a wedding, I love a stylish wedding, but at the end of the day it’s the people who matter. It’s really about the bride and groom.
All these resort destination parties and 30k weddings - apart from people with real money, how is everyone affording them?!

Did his friend also have an opinion and instructions on the timing of your surgery? Tell them to fuck off.

Honestly I think it’s easier to book your honeymoon during their wedding and explain you’ll be away.

No to the stag do
Book your honeymoon for when their wedding is so it clashes and say someone treated you to it and booked it
send them a card

draw a line under the whole drama!

You have a lot going on you don’t need this aswell.

You don’t need friends like that.

It should be that if it's important for someone to be stood by your side as a bridesmaid or groomsman that you pay for their dress/suit and nothing more is expected of them other than wearing it and standing by your side on the day.

Maybe he could send a message saying he is really happy for them, would love to attend but can't afford all the extras and if that's a problem for them you will just attend as guests and totally understand that with no hard feelings.

They can't force him to spend hundreds of pounds on THEIR wedding celebrations. 🙄🤦

Really the timing isn't relevant, people shouldn't expect this level of spending regardless. It's very self involved and entitled of them and seems to be happening more and more.

I feel sorry for the guy's wife to be. Is he bullying her too?

I'd say you've booked the honeymoon - you don't have to actually book it now, you can see how things go nearer the time.

You have absolutely no need to stress yourself over this. One of my best & oldest friends from school booked her wedding for the day after my close cousins wedding. I politely declined the invitation which is exactly what I would do in your circumstances. Given your situation OP if you do decline the invitation & this friend takes umbridge at your decision then sadly he is not the friend your partner thinks he is.

Why do you think the OP & fiance should change their wedding plans to accommodate someone else's wedding?

They can do whatever they want.

But your DP needs to say no.

Interesting that they’re getting a good deal on their wedding by making the bridal party pay for everything where you, who is being careful, are making sure no one is out of pocket. Speaks volumes about the type of people you both are.

is it quite last minute for them to be booking?

I’d say you need to get a solid budget for it and see if you can make it work. Go on the stag do for a shorter period, rent a suit etc. at the end of the day, he’s not much of a friend if he’s going to fall out with your DP over it.

It’s a refreshing change to have a groomzilla story!