Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

[TheBolans]

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

Just book a honeymoon that clashes with the wedding (even if it’s in the uk). Say it’s a gift and that’s the only date possible and you can’t change it or afford anything else. Win win.

Yeah this is a good idea..

They aren’t spending any money on ours, we are paying for the bridesmaid dresses and groomsmen suits ourselves. We don’t have an open bar so they’ll just need to spend money on getting there and back (it’s about a 45 min drive from them) and drinks when they’re there

I think the crucial information missing here is are you asking them to pay for anything related to your wedding? Eg stag/hen. [Crossposted!]

If not then you’re going to have to have an honest conversation about finances… it sounds like they don’t fully understand that - hopefully they’ll be decent when it’s explained!!

'Don't book your honeymoon after the wedding because I'm getting married' WTAF ? Jog right off with that one chummy.
OP your wedding is your priority and what YOU want to do, everyone else will have to suck it up that you might not be able to attend others weddings. If they refuse to go to yours as a result, then so what?
The most important people on the day are you and your p. Anyone else is a bonus and not essential.

TBH I think that you do t need friends like these.
I hope your partner sticks to his guns - his friend is being very selfish and even if they promise to pay for this, that and the other don’t fall for it - I do t believe they will cough up in the end!

I'd say our wedding is 'cheap' because we don't expect our invited guests and bridal party to shoulder the cost

This is nothing to do with their wedding date and everything to do with their selfish and unreasonable expectations around other people spending for their day

The reason you have a cheap wedding is because you can't afford a more expensive one not because you're tight!

You've got some strong reasons why DP can't afford all those things (not least because he's paying for his groomsmen's suits!) so I would suggest DP gives his friend a choice. He would love to be a guest at the wedding and even more so love to be a groomsman but if there's a cost to it he'll have to step down to just being a guest.

“We already booked our honeymoon for after our wedding so I am sorry we can’t attend, have an amazing day”. Ok you haven’t booked it but he doesn’t need to know that!

Why they think their wedding should be of any importance to you is baffling.

You definitely aren’t being unreasonable then.

If their wedding date was different then we probably would be able to afford it. We will not have money left over for anything else so close to our own wedding. That’s why I mentioned the date

" Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?"

Yes, there is. Just tell them. Be completely honest.

Completely missing the point of the post, but is travelling to Greece whilst waiting for cardiac surgery a great idea? Have you explored the cost of travel insurance for that?

Just be crystal clear on what you can spend. It does not need to be a drama or falling out. It is what it is.

I agree with this. Prioritise your health above everything and your husband should gracefully withdraw to nip all of this in the bud. They don’t sound like very good friends at all.

Well they aren't going to book and plan their wedding around your wedding any more than you would their's. You don't have to attend their wedding if you can't afford to, nor does your husband have to attend a stag do abroad. You simply join in or not whatever you want to/can afford to. It isn't like it's a siblings wedding or something, a friend's wedding isn't going to end a friendship (if it's a true friendship) not attending, I missed one of my best friend's weddings we were away on holiday, it was one we had rescheduled 4 times because of covid, it'd already cost a fortune and there was so much hassle to move it again, I just said to my friend I couldn't make it. I went on the hen do, just missed the wedding. I mean it was her second wedding I did go to her first one 10 years before so I had seen her get married once 😆.

Not attending hasn't made any difference to our friendship though. Some people missed our wedding due to holidays, it really wasn't an issue, the world doesn't stop spinning because you are getting married.

Unless this friend was meant to be an integral part of your wedding with the associated costs etc the demands are unreasonable.

It would be different if he was paying out for your wedding and then you were refusing to reciprocate but obvs that isn't the case.

This ^ I like

They can plan their wedding whenever. You don't have to go if you're on honeymoon. You've said you're not on honeymoon - so that's fine.

Your DP doesn't have to pay for anything he can't afford. He can't afford a stag abroad? He doesn't have to go. Can't he wear the suit he's getting married in? If they are telling him to wear something specific, they have to pay IMO. Whoever pays gets a say in what's worn.

I think yabu to think that a close friend shouldn't book their wedding at a certain time because your wedding has been booked at a similar time.

However, yanbu to be on a budget . Yanbu to have other big things also going in life . Yanbu to prioritise your wedding and honeymoon over theirs .

I could imagine a reverse thread where a friend booked their wedding mere weeks prior.

The date is fine (YABU). Asking your wedding party to pay for their clothes and accommodation is not fine. If you can’t afford to look after the attendants properly then don’t have any (YANBU).

Yeah, my step brother is aware we may not be able to go if my surgery is before that, because I’ll be recovering. But if it’s afterwards, it will be fine. I went on holiday last October and all was fine, the insurance is expensive though

OMG some people are so entitled.

@TheBolans thirty years ago, we borrowed £500 from the bank and arranged our whole wedding for that cost. There was no hen night (shudder) and stag dos abroad weren't a thing then. In any case, he didn't like the idea of going out and getting drunk.

My mum paid for my dress (which was hired) and my sister let us use her house and garden for the reception. Her friend did the catering.

We loved our wedding. I don't think it's a good idea to spend a whole lot of money on a wedding, unless you're well-off to start with. It doesn't sound like you are, and there's no shame in that.

We spent a great deal of time writing our wedding service and vows, and discussing what hymns and music we wanted - those were the things which were important to us.

I hope you have a lovely day and that your surgery goes well.