Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

[TheBolans]

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

You are not being unreasonable but your partner needs to handle this as it's his friend.

Op, somebody else may have already suggested this, the stand out to me is that you could combine your Honeymoon with the trip to Greece. Go early and finish you trip at the wedding, or the wedding is the start of it.

On other matters the friend who’s the groom should be paying any groomsman related things. Like staying the night before. Could DP where his own wedding suite as a groomsman?

@TheBolans if your partners friends wants certain things to happen & people to stay where & when he wants, then he pays for it. You can't tell people they have to stay the night before the wedding in his chosen accommodation and then tell them to pay for it! Your partner needs to tell him your reasons why your wedding is on the cheaper side, and it's not so you can spend more at his wedding

Just tell DP to message his friend "Sorry mate, we will be stretched then due to our own wedding, my wifes' surgery etc. so buying a new suit and staying the night before won't work. I would still love to be there if I can come in a suit I already own and join you in the morning of the wedding day. Also for obvious reasons I cannot afford to go abroad on a stag do a month before my own wedding, sorry!"
It's really not that much of a big deal to suggest this, I think asking them to pay for the room is a bit much tbh...
When we got married, we didn't get bothered or upset if anyone couldn't afford the hen/stag do or to go to the wedding - we totally understood it is not always viable!

Your fiance needs to put his foot down and set a firm budget with the groom that is comfortably within your means. This includes both money and time. He need feel no guilt for being a responsible adult.

tldr: the groom is not being a good friend.

How do they know you have a ‘cheap’ wedding? Number of guests? Location?

I have to say my answer to ‘as you have a heap wedding you can afford to pay fur ours’ would have been somethimg along the lines of ‘we’re having a wedding that fits our means wo needing groomsmen to pay for it’

I mean, if they need the ‘bridal party’ to pay for their costumes, dresses, the night before at the hotel etc…then they can’t afford the wedding they are having.

The 3 weeks later is fine. Our friends did the same no issues at all.

Money expectations are not fine. He should stand down as a groomsmen and just go as a guest. Or scrap them as friends altogether as he sounds like an a hole

I agree. Make it clear that you wish them all the best, but your wedding is the only big expense you can afford next year.

Also, you don’t need a load of stress when you’re waiting for heart surgery or have just had the operation. I hope your friends will have enough empathy to avoid making any demands on you or DH.

Best of luck with the surgery, and I hope it transforms your life for the better, as it has for several people I know xx

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July”
I would have told him it's already booked. Purely because I don't like being told what to do.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.
This is so ridiculous. If people want more than their family and friend's presence at the wedding and pre-wedding events, they need to pay for all the extras themselves - not expect/demand that guests put their hand in their pocket. It's so rude to plan an event for your own ego and satisfaction, and then demand that the people you invite should be out of pocket for the dumb things YOU want. I'm sorry, but if I'm expected to do more than turn up at the wedding dressed up nicely with a gift, and also pay for all the extras, I'm just going to decline all of it. No, thank you.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument.
He's not much of a friend, is he? After being told that his wants are unaffordable, instead of thinking, "maybe I'm asking for too much", he starts and arguement. To Hell with that.

The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding.
"I already told you we can't do this. Why are you asking me to drain my finances for you? This is the last time I'll be telling you, I can't and won't spend money on X, Y and Z. I'll happily come to your wedding, but beyond that, you're frankly asking for a bit too much".

I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.
It's not drama to calmly set boundaries when people try to cross them. I wouldn't have bitten my tongue, I would have told them straight that we won't be paying for the things they are asking.

But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.
Even if you had all the money in the world, you don't plan parties and events and expect your family and friends to pay for your whims and wants. If you want a stag do abroad, you pay for it. If you want people to wear a certain type of clothes, you pay for the clothes. Otherwise, let people come as they are, and choose activities that are reasonable. And for God's sake, don't ask your guests to pay.

You're not being unreasonable and your DH will just have to tell his friend 'no.' Because you just can't afford it and that's that.

I also think this trend of expecting wedding guests to pay for expensive hen/stag dos and matching outfits and hotels etc etc is nuts. I wouldn't do it. If they care that much they can pay for it themselves.

I also think that people who are so keen on making their wedding into some kind of mad narcissistic show haven't got a hope in hell of the marriage actually lasting, but maybe that's just me!

I think your DP needs to pull out of being a groomsman completely. He is being treated really badly by this friend and I doubt you'll be able to negotiate anything here so pull out.

Usually a groomsman would pay for their own suit and also for themselves to go on a Bucks weekend.
Fact is that your DP needs to be honest about surgery commitments etc and reneg on an overseas Bucks weekend and being a groomsman.

As a regular wedding guest you will still need to save for the accommodation and to dress yourselves.

They can book their wedding when they want. Ours was the first of 9 we went to the year I got married. I was bridesmaid 6 weeks later, husband was best man 2 months after that.
Luckily hen and stag dos weren’t anywhere near the extravaganzas they are now, but sometimes you just need to suck it up.

Op you DP just needs to be straight with the friend and tell him the truth, friend can find another friend to be his best man

just let you boyfriend deal with it

First the ‘friend’ tells you not to book your honeymoon because of HIS wedding, then he comes out with a list of costs he expects you to pay, then he goes back on his word to cover his own costs for HIS wedding, insisting that given your wedding is more frugal, you can afterall, afford to subsidise HIS wedding. And in the background you are awaiting open heart surgery.

And this guy is a “friend”?

On what basis? Is this what true friends do?

Definately not being unreasonable! And if his friends get upset when he tells them, then they really are not friends.

I actually think it is a tad selfish of them to book a wedding so close after yours to be honest.

I chose to excuse myself from my own sisters bridal party and away hendo as I couldn't afford it. I would never expect my bridal party to pay for things either - but to that end I just wouldn't have them.

What a Groomzilla!
”Sorry mate, non of that works for us. Enjoy your day.”

If people want to have a fancy matching wedding then that’s wonderful, it will be an amazing experience and the photos will look awesome.

But to make financial requirements of family and friends you have invited to watch you get married is unbelievably tacky and unwelcome.

I see it happen again and again. If I was invited to one of these type of weddings I don’t think I’d want to go.

“All fur coat and no knickers” 🤣

I've never known anyone to have to pay for their own wedding clothes in the UK, think it's more common in the US though.

I find the whole ‘save your money so you can be at your friends event staying where they told you to, wearing what they told you to, taking as many days off as they told you to, paying as much as they told you to’ so off putting. That’s not friendship.

“Sorry Dave, we have nit got the money to spend. I’d love to come to your wedding but all the expenses I can’t do, so I’d love to come just as a guest (not a groomsman) for the wedding and won’t be staying over. If that’s a problem then I’m sorry.”

And if it is a problem, then he just doesn’t go and Dave is a twat of the highest calibre.

YADNBU, OP. But I mostly wanted to say don't let their pathetic "cheap wedding" comments or any comparisons with their wedding and yours get under your skin.

Earlier this summer I attended a friend's sister's very small wedding (her sister and I were childhood friends and so I have always looked on the bride as being an extended extra sibling). There were about 25 guests, after the registry office we all went back to the brides family home where her parents hosted a BBQ for everyone, had drinks and danced the night away on her dad's newly laid decking.

It was without doubt one of the best weddings I've ever gone to because it was so small and intimate and I was privileged to be there. I much preferred it to the big Instagram hullabaloo your partner's mates are planning.

You're right, but a lot of people seem to be demanding much more from friends these days just because they're getting married. Less than a decade ago, people who insisted their guests dressed in certain colours/went on expensive stag/hens/spent their own money on special outfits were seen as weird bride/grromzillas.
Now some people act like they're royalty/slebs, but without the budget. Totally not ok to demand you spend, OP, or to tell you when to honeymoon.

I’ve seen people have to wear a specific colour scheme, and that sometimes involves buying a new outfit. Insane. Or having to buy your own bridesmaid dress, or the accessories like shoes, hair with the bride, tan as requested, and so on.

My idea of a wedding is put on your nicest frock and turn up and be bloody nice to everyone, complement the bride and groom and all the mothers in law, all the elderly relatives, smile, don’t vomit, and say ‘wasn’t your wedding lovely?’ at various points in the future.