AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

Why would they start legal proceeding over a house that belongs to their brother in its entirety. They were aware of this years before their father passed and came to an agreement regarding their fathers will. They also know about him declining offers it’s not s family secret it’s his house. I hate that it’s solely his to be honest.

Your DH is obviously dealing with complicated grief which is blocking him from dealing with the sale of his dad's house rationally. However, he is able to behave in a way that does seem quite self-indulgent because he can afford to do so. If he couldn't afford to pay to maintain the house and garden and pay bills, home insurance and (soon to be double) council tax, he would need to be more pragmatic and less emotional through sheer necessity.

Then if it’s causing him, and you by extension, this much drama, why don’t you suggest keeping it until he deals with his raw grief?

KF have given warnings to anyone interested in viewing that the owner is there during the viewings and essentially will run most of the viewings, ie give more information on the house etc with the help of the sales negotiator. Any potential viewer is given information on this it is not a secret that he or the agents are keeping from potential buyers.

If it's with Knight Frank it's going to be well over a million then isn't it? Tbh if buyers get a whiff of what he's like they'll back away anyway. We are just about to complete on a house with a divorcing couple - never again. They have been completely unreasonable and Batshit. At first I thought it was because they were stressed - nope she is just mental. If it's been on over a year your pool of buyers is ever decreasing in this climate. You might end up.with less money and a dead weight with angry brothers.

I know some have mentioned renting over selling, just a thought that if he is being very picky and struggling to find the 'right' people to sell to, could it be harder for him as a landlord with more regular involvement?

Landlords can definitely be a nightmare for tenants if they want to visit lots, comment on what they do in the property etc. If he is already being picky, he may not be ready to have the involvement with another family living there.

Obviously you guys will know best. He may not be ready to sell yet, but a clean break might be better (when he is ready), rather than keeping the involvement. Or at least try and ensure the day to day management is with an agent rather than by himself.

I am just frustrated. It is taking up all his time analysing these families,, its all a bit much. Wants agent to ask the buyers their source of income in its entirety as in what they do for work, where they are from, why they are wanting to move, what ties do they have in the area. To be quite honest everyone within the area knows one another and they too keep asking about the house sale and telling dh to make sure he picks 'the right person'

I would get his siblings on-side and get them to have a much firmer dialogue with him now - we have received offers that you have declined, it’s time now to stop this and we have to actively move forwards, it’s the right time to take the next offer. We don’t have the funds or inclination to pay over the coming winter months for council tax, house insurance, water, gas, electric and be taking risks with possible pipes freezing, risk of internal damage, the house degrading while unoccupied, maintenance, the garden, drainage, the roof (add more to this list).

Maybe Knight Frank can contact some of the recent people who made offers…

I do just want this house out of my life. He has had over 10 offer quite a lot above asking price, even the sales negotiator makes faces anytime my husband speaks but his boss likes dh so I think he is just putting up with it for the sake of KF having this house under their belt as there's others like Savills etc who are in competition.

Its not even just the offers its the interest in the viewings, some viewings he just declines based on the information given. I have never known him to be this excessive

the op's husband owns the house outright RTFT

This is ridiculous behaviour. He needs some psychological support to let go. He should not be involved with viewings. Maddening for everyone. It’s either for sale or it isn’t.

I can totally sympathise with his feelings of grief because I’ve lost both of my parents too. It’s truly awful.
However, unless he rents the house out, or can afford to maintain it from his own money, he can’t just leave it to slowly rot away over time.
I lost my mum when I was 35 and my dad when I was 51 and the thought of having to sell our childhood home was so incredibly upsetting. We were in a slightly different position because the house sale was to be shared between myself and my two siblings. They were keen to sell asap. Me, not so much.
The thought that got me through the whole emotional rollercoaster, was the fact that I was comforted by the thought of another couple moving in and raising a family in a happy home, just like I was.
Hopefully soon, your DH will feel a similar way.
Dismissing people for wearing the wrong shoes though, isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour. I’m glad that he’s having counselling and I hope this will make him realise this.

So sorry I didn't read all your updates and that was rude of me.
Regarding grief - he's had his parents at least until his 40s if he's coming up to 50 now. That is very very lucky. Yes it's the norm in upper middle class society due to socio.economic health but it's not the norm for everyone. So he definitely needs some understanding but also it sounds like the grief counselling is very much needed. Being an 'orphan' leaves you feeling adrift.
It sounds like there's enough money to keep it for 8 years or so until the kids are through school and then make a decision. If so then keep it as the family holiday home. He's not ready at all and if there isn't a money issue or tax issue then it's ok to wait a bit.

I know a family where the wife's family died and their house was just left to go to rack and ruin. The wife has now died too and still the house remains unsold. It was her husband who would not permit a sale even though the parents were not his.

Empty houses generally do not increase in value because they start to deteriorate. And meanwhile the estate is having to pay property tax, utilities etc.

If you take it off the market that takes that pressure of him to find right people to sell to.

He's clearly feeling pressure about finding a family to sell to and not someone who may then sell to a developer.

Honestly refuse to engage with any nitpicking about potenial sellers - have a set of phrases - well it's up to you - or maybe it's a sign to leave it for a bit - or perhaps it will all become clearer in time - well renting is still an option - then wander off.

He clearly has much to unpick with grief counselling and no family or monetray pressure to actually sell.

Perhaps the issue here is your attitude - you want it done and dusted when he wants to take his time and perhaps doesn't want to sell at all. Perhaps you need to reframe it as PP suggests as his hobby for now for him and just keep .your emotional distance.

I was your DH in a similar situation, but to a lesser extent I think. Also the eldest, I wanted to put covenants on the house preventing future residents from taking down the apple tree and installing fake grass as I was fretting constantly about the wildlife in the garden. I hated everyone who viewed or made offers on the house although I never met any of them as the estate agents did all the viewings. My co-executors were very kind to me about it and I always knew in the back of my mind that all my hostility was part of my grief and complexities to do with my childhood challenges and the safety that I’d found in this house that had been in the family for two generations ( it had never been my home but I spent a lot of time there). I struggled to accept that it wasn’t the time or the place for me to take it on (similar issue with schools and areas) but stepped back in the end and let another family member deal with the bulk of the selling tasks. It’s sold now and although I still feel sad about it, since the sale went through I feel I’ve moved on a bit with my grief.

I hope my sharing this helps you to have gentle conversations with your DH about moving on. Maybe grief counseling would help, I wish I had done it.

The DH owns it outright and there money left for property upkeep and OP DH has inhertited money he could spend.

What he is doing is wasting viewers and estate agents time and winding OP up fretting about potential buyers.

I think op DH is in a very lucky position than most people who are under financial and familial pressure to get sales done - he has none of that.

What he does have is pressure of a promise made to his late father to pick a nice family and to try and ensure no undue development - which TBH is a huge ask as he has no control over what buyers do.

I lost my Dad when 18 and then my Mum when I was 30. Of course people here have lost parents! And it's not a case of dealing with it "better", I deal with it every day of my life still and I'm 55. But you don't seem to be listening to people that your DH seems very mentally unwell, as well as grieving.

He needs to see a counsellor.

Exactly this, we have spoken about it, he seems to not think how privileged he is to be in this position. It has made me realise how bratty he is after 26 years together he has managed to keep that under wraps for so long I am impressed then again I am trying to sympathise with the grief of losing someone he was very close to, not many people get a good father son relation and there's I can truly say was one of the best father son's relationships, he respects his father a lot and wants to make sure his house is still in tact for at least 5 years and not just turned into a hmo in a years time by anyone who is enticed by cash.

The agents too are just yes men, he has them wrapped around his finger, I am not sure for how long but he knows the sales negotiators manager who is a partner at KF so the agents and negotiators are willing to just roll their eyes and do whatever my husband says which isn't helping to be honest. I hope we never have to sell our house because fucking hell he will never let the sale go through for silly reasons

Well he is in counselling, I am willing to let a middle aged man in his 40s have emotions, in the years I have known him I have not seen him cry the way he did when his father passed. Its has not yet been a year, lets let the professionals diagnose him first. Maybe he is mentally unwell I do not know I am not his doctor he has been in touch with professionals regarding his grief, it is not yet a red alert for them.

Given all the pressure your DH is putting on himself, and the fairly obsessive nature of his thinking about the house, I would probably suggest taking the house off the market for the next few months. It can't help that the neighbours are so heavily invested as well, it's clearly become a huge responsibility. He needs to carry on with the grief counselling and focus on that until he feels ready to let go of the house emotionally.

Thank you so much for this. I am really trying to support him in letting the house go, he's even said it has too much emotion for us to move in even if the children were not in school. I think he needs to stop attending the viewings which is something I will discuss with him because its making it much harder for him to accept that the house needs to be sold.

I will likely be in the position of inheriting a hard-to-sell old character property in a few years.

It was my childhood home, and is in a beautiful location.

Our plan is that we basically enjoy the house for 12-18m, and treat the extra council tax etc as a charge on the (significant) inheritance. Let friends and family use it, maybe one last Christmas. Then sell it and let it go.

Do you think it's too late to consider that as an option? If he's been selling for a year, has he really had time to grieve/celebrate? It sounds like the money wouldn't be an issue.

(If the market is anywhere like here it will have certainly lost money in this period!)