AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

As I said in my post, it's clear that this situation has exacerbated existing traits in him. Grief counselling will help some perhaps, but if he is generally someone who seeks high levels of control, that also needs to be addressed. This sounds beyond a grief reaction, which can make it hard to let go of things, but rather an underlying belief which has been brought into sharp relief. But since those beliefs and tendencies have probably helped in his career, I think he will struggle with this.

He’s got his own finances for the house.

That is the main thing. Plus his brothers are OK. So all is OK.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that he will NOT be dipping into the children's savings or your joint finances to fund this house.

Apart from that, leave him to it. Give your support if he asks for it, but otherwise leave him to get on with his counselling and grieving.

I agree.

The people in the area have been so nosy as not many houses within the area ever go for sale often they are just passed down through family so this is a big deal. When his father passed away in hospital and we went to the house a couple of days after, people in the area had come together and put lots of flowers, letters and posters with things they remember about DH's father, some had put pictures some of the pictures were of his parents when they were young before they married as his mother is from the area as well, pictures of DH and his siblings playing with the various children in the area etc it was quite emotional for him he got all teary, understandable it was too much for him. They meant well but it really hit him that his father was gone.

The more you write, the more I can sympathise with him OP, I can see where he's coming from kind of.

He sounds like a very loyal person.

If money's not an issue, then there's no rush really, he'll get there.x

He will not be dipping into the children's savings, most of their savings are within bare trusts, it would be a lot of hassle to even access and the trusts are legally binding plus the children are under 18 so neither of us can ever really access their money, we can only top up the different trust accounts.

In a way it’s a shame his brothers aren’t interested. When my DB and I had to sell my mum and dad’s house, we both wobbled a bit at some point but the other one stepped in and pointed out that selling was what DF and DM had wanted, so another family could love like we all had. Having it empty was anathema to all of us.

Could they maybe help your DH more?

Could you point out to him that whoever buys it could just sell it again relatively quickly and he has absolutely no control over it.

Someone wearing perfectly acceptable shoes during viewings may turn up on moving day in crocs.

Explain that a good price and nice family that wants to make it a family home and make their own memories there is literally the most you can hope for.

He may be struggling to process his grief following his parent's death and the house has become the only thing left of them and he can't bear to let it go. Some bereavement counselling could help him. He does have to stop this though.

That doesn't sound right - I think you need to double check it. My mum died in June and as soon as the council found out via the Tell Us once service I got a revised council tax bill for zero, and a refund for the part month that she had paid before she died.

Assuming the house is in England, was owned by him and and became unoccupied on his death then an exemption should apply until probate has been obtained (and potentially for a further six months afterwards) or until the property becomes occupied

See the 'When you do not pay council tax' section on this page
How Council Tax works: Second homes and empty properties - GOV.UK

While I agree his behaviour sounds quite extreme @NiftyRubyGoose I do wish our neighbours children had vetted the buyers a little more. We are now overlooked in our back garden and directly in to our windows 😕 feels like a goldfish bowl. I know nothing is guaranteed but we bought our house due to the privacy. We are fortunate enough to be able to move though.

I would gently suggest he takes it off the market, carries on attending counselling and revisits selling in 6 months/a year or so.

Fair enough if they were happy and you were happy; but I still think it's extremely odd, and rather controlling actually, to make people send you what is effectively a begging letter in order to be able to BUY something from you at the market rate or above.

It's subjective, and not common. I do, however, understand how it's extremely difficult to let go of a home you have had for 60 years. If a buyer can make someone struggling feel better about the sale, then I think that's a nice thing to do as a human.

Ah, I misunderstood you about the warnings from KF. It's far from uncommon for the actual seller to conduct or be present at viewings of their property and, whilst potentially slightly more awkward from a pov of freedom to say what you honestly think of the place, I don't think many people would object.

I thought you meant they were warning potential buyers that he didn't really want to sell and/or was effectively interviewing them, according to his extremely exacting criteria, as to their perceived 'suitability' for him to accept them as buyers.

Normally, all thing being equal, unless you give off red flags or are in a very disadvantageous position in being ready to buy, you would tend to expect that the person who makes the highest (serious, genuine) offer will probably be successful in being able to buy the house.

@NiftyRubyGoose renting the property is a really bad idea. He’s too emotionally attached to be a landlord.

Your husband is grieving and he’s attaching a lot of his grief to his family home. He has not yet begun the process of detaching from the house, hence a his obsession with finding the ‘right’ people.

he needs to take it off the market and explore this in counselling.

It sounds like he’s lost the plot a bit poor man. He should just take it off the market, get through his grief and do a lot more counselling and then when he’s ready put it on again.

My husband lost both his parents over a short time, his Dad passing last year.

He’s really, really dragging his heels about putting the house on the market or up for auction. Thankfully his siblings are clueless and had a fair amount of money already so aren’t asking questions yet. But it really needs to go on soon.

I’m now going to make sure he’s not there for any viewings because I can totally see him acting like your husband.

Grief does strange things to people. I think he needs to take a rest from the whole thing.

I see where you're coming from; but it just puts me in mind of the people on Dickinson's Real Deal, who push the dealers really hard, emotionally persuasively, for the very top price based on the fact that what they're selling belonged to and was treasured by their dear deceased loved ones... yet the items aren't so precious to them that they actually want to keep them in the first place, even when they're only worth a relatively very small amount!

From bitter experience I know that some buyers will put on a great facade during negotiations to come across as the most thoughtful and committed people. I sold my DMs house to apparently very motivated buyers and 4 years on, 5 architects later, the house is still a building site and the neighbours are suing their builders. It's simply not possible to fully vet your buyers.
Whenever the house is sold, I would advise that your DH stays well away from any news about the new owners, it will be too difficult to process.

I agree with this. I think a great many people in similar positions have it in their heads that they can keep the house exactly as it is, but with somebody 'borrowing' it from them (at full market price, mind) - and living the owner's/owner's family's life there rather than their own.

I think that's different to a family home that you don't actually want to leave, but must sell. It's much more heartbreaking than choosing to sell an object which you can keep if you want to.

In my and my SIL's sales, they weren't pushing for a top price. They just wanted some comfort in who their house was going to.

TBH I would get him to rent it out through and agent so he has no dealings with tenants and then if it’s somewhere you’d both like to move into one day, move when your kids are out of school.
Hes obviously going through it at the moment and it’s great he’s agreed to see someone to talk through things, but if a home has been in the family for generations it holds a lot of sentimental value so it would be a big wrench to let it go.
Our family have been through similar with grandparents houses, beautiful houses but no one could do buy out the others or were in a position to move at that time so they were pragmatically sold.
My DH still talks about his Grandmothers house on the countryside and it was awful to see it sold.

He is not pushing for the highest price, he is willing to drop the price on someone he likes its just a matter of who if he will even like any of the families

He can't just hang on to the house if it's jointly owned with his siblings. One of them needs to become the main contact for the agent. Poor DH is clearly struggling and perhaps needs therapy to work on letting go.

I will try to speak to them to get them more involved they do love the house it’s also sentimental to them. It’s hard because their father even before he got ill has always maintained that DH will get the house and decide what happens with it. This goes back to even DH was 15/16 that’s always been the plan so they’re over it and they’re not the type of fight over their fathers request.

It his house in its entirety none of the brothers own the house.

Point out to him that he could hold out for the perfect buyer, but they could then put it on the market the next day and sell to whoever they want. There is just no point doing what he is doing, he cannot keep control over who lives in that house.