AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

Let him get on with it unless it impacts on family finances. Don't show an interest . Eventually this will pass

I agree, which means that insurance, repairs, etc will all be more costly in proportion to its size and age. If the house bursts a mains pipe in the loft while it's sitting empty... I hope the insurance doesn't think that someone's living in it at the moment and could therefore refuse to pay out if something went wrong.

Having lived for quite a few years in a huge listed property, luckily one for which I wasn't footing the bills, just normal running costs were enormous. We are now living in more of a 3 bed in Basingstoke situation and I wouldn't go back to the grand and draughty pile! Fun for a while, but I shudder remembering the cost and trouble when things went wrong.

A house is bricks and mortar
a home is where your family is (as in your current home)
Good on the agents for saying something it sounds utterly ridiculous. Does he suffer with mental health issues.

If he’s that attached to it could selling your house and then buying siblings out and you all move in there instead? Would that be an option???

But as a sidenote I’d be really concerned for his wellbeing as this sort of behaviour isn’t normal.

He either needs to let go (would counseling help??) or you need to buy it and move in. It does seem a shame to have it leave the family after generations but honestly if it needs to be sold that’s that

I lost both my parents in a very short space of time and the family home, which had been the hub of everything for over 50 years, had to be sold. It was incredibly painful and hugely stressful, so I do get it. Unfortunately what your husband appears to be failing to take on board is that while he can control who buys the house this time, there is no way he can control who buys it after that, or the time after that.
He's clearly not ready to let go, but he should stop wasting everybody's time until he is, and then deal with the consequences of that inaction, whether they are positive (market increase) or negative (squatters and/or financial cost of upkeep). No judgement, just that it sounds like he needs some breathing space.

I think @babyproblems has a good suggestions - would counselling help him to let go? If it worked it would be worth it. Meanwhile YANBU to step back and not be involved in his drama.

At some stage many of us have to sell our parents home. I had to sell my parents home 3 years ago. It went to the guy that offered £5k more than the asking price and I hope he's very happy. We all have to accept that whoever buys it will take it and make it their own and of course they have every right to do so. Definitely he should not be present when there are viewings, (for the peace of mind of the viewers if nothing else - he sounds unhinged about it).

Meanwhile in Scotland, we seem to have to pay thousands over the home report before even getting a look in. Never mind your shoes. God help us all

Then case closed. What is the point in this thread?

On both instances it's been buying a family home that has been in one family for many decade. Both my house, and my SIL and BIL's house was sold to them from elderly couples in their late 80s, who had been in the house for 60 years.

Whether buyers agree with it or not, or whether someone personally gets attached to bricks and mortar or not, I don't think it's that strange for someone who has been in their home for 60 years to want to feel assured it's going to a nice family.

No doubt he will sell or let it when he is ready.

Does he need some grief counselling ? It sounds like the death of his father has knocked him off his feet.

Yes, as I said – I don't agree with the extent that OP's DH is going to.

We were asked (very politely) to write a letter as our house vendors were in their late 80s and 90s. I had no problem doing so, and it was a nice way to communicate with them about how much we loved the house and our family. They had been in the house since their 20s and raised three children and several grandchildren here, the husband was terminally ill at the point that they were selling. We also received a lovely letter from them back.

Losing both parents is hard, especially if the losses are close together, but plenty of people lose them at a younger age than your DH, I'm afraid. My youngest sister had lost both parents by the time she was 25 and even I as the eldest was only 36. I do hope the bereavement counselling your DH has started will help him to come to terms with his emotions and learn to move on with his own life. I don't think his parents would have wanted him to get trapped by his grief.

Glad he’s getting counselling and I hope that helps. If he’s a solicitor he will be used to trying to foresee all possibilities and eliminate potential problems. That might work in his job but life doesnt fit well with that. As he’s come to something very meaningful to him - his parents house - that expectation and approach won’t work - ultimately once you sell a house you have no further control. You might have a pang when the new people make changes, but you have to live with that, and it’s that uncertainty he is struggling with.

edited to reverse stupid autocorrect which turned potential into potent.

If house is entirely his and there no push to sell from family I suspect this could go on some time.

Renting an option but I suspect there will be issues there as well.

Frankly I'd sit down and say clearly you do not want to sell or rent then this is what the house will cost to keep stable - building isnurance , heating in winter council tax and this will have to be met somehow by him without impacting you and the kids adversly and then he has all the time in the world to work out what he does want to do with the house.

but wearing the wrong shoes?????

pretty much what I saisd, treat it as his hobby and apply the normal hobby "rules"

I made it abundantly clear in two of my three posts that I don't agree with the extent the OP's DH is going to – like, read them?

He needs grief counselling. Your husband is stuck and he needs to get himself unstuck. I wonder what is sticking him - there is a lot of stuff grief reveals.

OP I think you've done the right thing removing yourself. I would continue to do that. in the end of the day the house will deteriorate because it is unoccupied and your dh will have to deal - or not deal - with that. I feel sorry for his old neighbours too but if he is not affecting his brothers then he gets to play out his dysfunctional response to the ending of an era/his parents' death as he wants.

My sister and I went through exactly what your dh is going through. Probably slightly added to in my case as I live in another country so when I went back "home" which I did regularly - this was where I went. once it was sold I no longer had a home in my homeplace. We grew up in the house my mother had grown up in. A very happy home and all our cousins/aunts/uncles felt a connection there too. My mum loved that house. When she died we sold it. The house deserved that and my mum and dad deserved better than having their house go to wrack and ruin because it wasn't lived in or have my sister and I spend our money preserving a museum to our family. We didn't need a family museum - we had our own children with lovely memories of the house, lovely stories with our cousins, lovely photos. Yes it was sad saying goodbye but our memories of that home are not in the house but in the stories and memories. We moved on, felt thankful to our parents for the money that house realised and eventually I bought my own place back home - my mum would have loved that.

I wonder if he's being totally honest with himself about wanting to live in the house. He could have somewhere in the back of his mind that when the children age out of their current education you could move there? The "wrong people" excuses are just a smoke screen.

He needs therapy to deal with the grief. Its a house, he doesn't have to like the person who buys it. His behaviour is beyond irrational - grief can do that - but he needs help.

My dh is in his early 40s and lost his remaining parent during covid. He still cant bring himself to sort our spare room which has a lot of her boxes of stuff. Its still very raw to him. I bet your dh sees the house as a firm link to his parents and childhood and thats very hard to give up.

All those things have been thought of pretty much. He does he gardening, I have been helping him as well his father's gardener still come and does the gardening often. He has thought about what he will do to keep the house in good condition its the house he was born in of course he will maintain it. The practicalities have been thought of, he has quite a big inheritance and has split the other parts of his inheritance with our children, what he decides to do with his own money is not up to me. His father left some money for the upkeep of the place, they did discuss this years before he passed, his father wanted the house to go to a family that will at least live in the property and not turn it into some sort of development or HMO. There's acres and acres of land around the property, developers have been in touch multiple times to try to get him to sell to build some houses but DH refuses, even the council has been in touch regarding this but DH does not want newbuilds anywhere near the house.

He is in counselling so I hope that will help him come to terms with the loss of his parents. I just don't like how much he is nit-picking everything he doesn't want it to go to people who will sell the land around it to developers etc to build houses.

He is in counselling. Sadly it doesn't work that quickly

This

He needs to let his brothers or an estate agent just get on with it. Tell him to get therapy if he's struggling with losing his parents.