AIBU to think DH needs to step back from being so involved in the selling family home?

[NiftyRubyGoose]

AIBU for thinking DH needs to let go of the house?

DH has been trying to sell his parents’ house for just under a year now. It’s been in his family for generations and it’s his childhood home, so I do understand why it’s incredibly sentimental to him. His younger brothers aren’t as attached to it and basically just want it sold but DH is the eldest and since his dad passed away last year he’s pretty much taken control of everything to do with the finances.
We’ve had 12 offers, some even above the price so far but he has found a reason not to like pretty much every person who has viewed it.

I’ve actually removed myself from the whole situation now because I just can’t deal with the drama. We’ve had some genuinely lovely families come to view it but DH picks up on the smallest things.One man was wearing the “wrong shoes” with his corduroy trousers. Another family didn’t take their shoes off until DH asked them to. He just seems to decide that certain people aren’t the “right sort of people” for his parents’ house. Another man apparently couldn’t control his kids and they were badly behaved and that was off putting to my husband

He even started asking people to write letters explaining why they wanted the house and why they would be good people to have it.
Knight Frank have now had to speak to him about his behaviour and have asked him not to be there during viewings. He’s absolutely furious about this because he wants to see every person who comes through the door. He doesn’t want to just sell his parents’ house to anyone.

And I do understand that. I really do. This house has been in the family for a long time he grew up there and his dad only passed away last year so I can appreciate that selling it must be incredibly emotional for him.But at the same time, we’ve been trying to sell for nearly a year. His brothers just want it sold and I think DH has got himself into a position where he feels responsible for deciding who is “good enough” to take over the house.

I’ve told him that once you decide to sell a house you have to accept that you don’t get to choose the buyer based on whether you like their shoes, how they dress or whether they immediately take their shoes off or just things of that sort.

Hi father grew up in the house with 5 siblings, his fathers father grew up in that house too. It has been passed down for a long time and it’s time for it to to to another family. No point in us moving into it, our children are in primary and secondary school they’re settled in we’d have to move to a different area, find schools etc so essentially it can’t really be kept within the family. The same issue with his brothers, all of them have children who are in school can’t just up and move ti a new area.

AIBU for thinking he needs to step back and let the sales negotiators do their job, or should I be more understanding given the history of the house and everything that’s happened over the last year?

Are his brothers in a luxurious financial position not to sell to the highest bidder? Is he deciding that for all of them?

Reality check: at some point, someone will figure out what the problem is. and the 'right' person/family will buy the house. And then flip it to the council or a developer.

Who do you want to make the most money for the house/property at the end of the day .... ? Your family and his brother and their families, or someone who will end up playing your husband to get the land.

its his house, his brothers have no interest.

Maybe but knowing him almost 30 years I doubt it considering our children's education is top priority. Maybe if the eldest was younger. Our eldest is very settled in school, moving him would be tough, he has friends, into hockey, plays in matches every week during the school terms etc. He is 12 we want him to have consistent education till 16 at least.

OP’s DH owns the house, not his brothers.

I think all you can do is let it go for now and be patient. Mourning will take its own time sadly

I don't think money is an issue for any of them.
X

Does he want to keep it so he can leave it to his children?

Unless the grief of losing your parents one after the other is a mental health issue then no. I am concerned which is why he is in counselling

Its not that money is not an issue but his father did think of everything years before he passed as he knew none of the children would live in the house. It was passed down to him after a lot of battle within the family

his father wanted the house to go to a family that will at least live in the property and not turn it into some sort of development or HMO.

Maybe that's part of the problem. He wants to sell to the right kind of family, who will live in it themselves and appreciate it, but there are no guarantees. This "right family" could develop it themselves, or sell in a couple of years to developers, and once he's sold he can't prevent this. Unless he's going to rent it out he has to accept that risk.

I don't think you said whether he has cleared the house of his father's/parents' belongings? If they are still there it will make it seem like his father's house still, so perhaps clearing it is the first stage to letting go.

My DM's process of selling DGP home after their death was similar but not so extreme. In a financial sense, she should have put the house on the market as it was, but she insisted on doing repairs and renovations to get it into what she saw as a saleable condition. I don't think they increased the value by as much as she spent, certainly not when you factor in her time. But I think caring for the house and putting it right was a proxy for things that she couldn't put right with my DGP themselves: DGM particularly had a very difficult final few years after being injured in an accident.

Probably a lot of things are going on here. He doesn't really want to sell the house. Controlling who buys it is a way of compensating for the lack of control over his parents' deaths. He perhaps feels that he let them down somehow (regardless of if this is true) and he has to do this last thing for them correctly. Maybe he'll unpick this, or perhaps eventually it'll feel worse to have the house than to not have it, and he'll suddenly sell. Breaking with the estate agents might be a useful step in all this.

He is BU, but I think you're right to step back, while also being honest about e.g. the financial impact on your family if e.g. Council Tax bills start to hit.

a practical thing popped into my head - is the insurance valid if it’s empty? A lot of them have clauses in them if unoccupied for 30 days or more… could he look at renting it as an Airbnb ? Then it’s earning something to cover costs and what about you all using it as a weekend home so he can almost accept his parents aren’t living there anymore.

I was born in my parents house and I do dread having to empty it as it will stir up emotions dealing with all of the memories associated with things. It does sound like a grieving thing. It’s probably best he takes it off the market for now as refusing to sell based on the wrong shoes is really just making any excuse. It doesn’t seem like there is an urgency and it’s good he’s getting counselling. Letting go of the house may feel like he’s letting go of his family history.. I’d step back but encourage him to take it off the market and give himself some time and space.

He is aware of that which is why he wants a family that will at least use a bit of the land etc, he is fine with the new owners developing or changing the house but at least live there.

The house has been cleared, there's not much there apart from a few things which KF told us to leave in there for the viewings but nothing sentimental is in the house. DH and his brothers spent quite a long time going through everything and deciding what to keep and going through who gets what.

It definitely sounds like he’s not ready to let go. Should definitely take it off the market and lessen the stress all round. Only he can resolve the conundrum in his head of keeping it forever and it being a mausoleum, or selling it to the “right” people and then having no control whatsoever over what happens to it in the future. Because even the “right” people could be tempted by a developer waving cash at them for a slice of those acres.

He obviously isn't ready to sell the house.
Can he/you afford to keep it for a while while paying council tax and keeping it properly maintained/aired etc to make sure it doesn't get neglected.
Could you stay in it during the weekends/school holidays or let it out for short term lets? I can see it might not be a good idea at the moment to rent it out to a long term tenant but from what you have said it sounds like a lovely big house. Would it be suitable for short term let's? Would your husband accept that?

Actually doing holiday lets and you using it for weekends and holidays is an excellent idea.

Unfortunately even if he likes the new owners there is nothing to stop them selling off some of the land for development.

He sounds like a massive time waster.

Thousands of people have to deal with this and they grit their teeth and get on with it. My parents both died when I was in my early 30/‘s but mr and my brother just got on with selling the house, both because we knew my mum wouldn’t have wanted it standing empty and falling into disrepair and also because we knew we had to try to move on with our lives. What your DH is doing is not normal, even for people who are working through grief.

Not only is your DH wasting the time of the estate agents (who only get paid on commission) but it’s downright cruel to get people’s hopes up who look around and then turn down above asking price offers. I know how awful it is to try to juggle house viewings with young kids and work, it’s a nightmare.

Honestly I think he should just take it off the market until he’s ready to sell to just a normal person who makes an offer.

Does he realise that anyone he sells it to could themselves sell it within a couple of months to whoever makes the highest offer? Even if someone passes his vetting, what about when they sell it?

I assume so. He helped his mother sell her fathers house going back 12 or so yrs ago that was on the market for a long time. Lots of back and fourth with the agents and the sales negotiators as again they were all obsessed with finding the “good family”. They did find the perfect family. The agents were happy they got their percentage and the family still live in the house are yet to sell it off. At this point if they did sell I do not think the family would really care. It went to a family who offered below the the sale price but DH thought they were a “good family” instead of selling to those who offered above or asking price.

grief is one thing - I’m not talking about that or underestimating how upsetting it can be, but stating people have the wrong shoes on, naughty kids, or just don’t like the look of them and making them write letters as to why they should he “considered” to buy the house (especially in the current financial climate!!) is far from normal behaviour. If I viewed a house and the seller was like this it would put me right off which is potentially why it hasn’t sold - that is what I meant.

All those things have been thought of pretty much. He does he gardening, I have been helping him as well his father's gardener still come and does the gardening often. He has thought about what he will do to keep the house in good condition its the house he was born in of course he will maintain it. The practicalities have been thought of, he has quite a big inheritance and has split the other parts of his inheritance with our children, what he decides to do with his own money is not up to me. His father left some money for the upkeep of the place, they did discuss this years before he passed, his father wanted the house to go to a family that will at least live in the property and not turn it into some sort of development or HMO.

Honestly if there money for upkeep and a plan and a promise not to sell to anyone who will develop - then frankly not sure what the issues is.

I'd tell him take it off the market - see how much work it is next 12 months then see if he wants to sell after that or rent out to cover maintance costs.

Good for the thousands of people. I cannot speak on the grief of losing parents I have not experienced it all I can do is take myself from the house situation as its not my house, I did not grow up in the house and it hasn't been in my direct family for generations. I will just have to support him as best as I can, he is in counselling and know he is struggling to process if father's death so hopefully he can find better coping mechanisms. I mean I would be devasted if I lost my mother or dad It would take me a long time to really process.

potential buyers are going to know of the house and not bother with it if this is his carry on.
no you’re not being unreasonable and his siblings will be well within their rights to start legal proceedings if they find out about him declining all those offers.

The issue is the obsession and the nit picking so what the guy wore the “wrong shoes” with his trousers, so what the children weren’t behaved correctly. These are very small things

This. I’d be furious if I was his siblings. Even if he is the executor, he is failing at the task, and this could very well end up in court and lead to family estrangement.