AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

I wouldn't think there would be a great deal of "sitting on a sofa" while in charge of a 2, 2, and 4 year old.

There are some frankly incredible pre school wranglers on this thread!

It sounded like they’d be in bed sleeping before they left. OK that’s a bit different, all depends on how well they listen I suppose, in my experience grandkids don’t play up for grandparents like they do for us.

I think it's because keeping our kids alive and supporting and loving them is/should be bare minimum. Supporting them as adults and being there for their parenting struggles is above and beyond. And I say that as someone who doesn't have it, my mum dies before I had my children.

I think when you decide to have children you take on the responsibility of loving and supporting them through their whole lives. That includes giving the tool when they are young to be independent and make good choices as adults. And stepping in when they’ve done the best they can but they need help. If you’ve genuinely done a great job, even when they are grown up, you will still WANT to help them because they are respectful and as adults what the best for you back.

People are not as great parents as they think quite often. And bad parenting leads to entitled adult kids and crappy grandparents.

having kids is a lifelong commitment.

It’s not bare minimum that most of us gave.

It's the bare minimum a child should be able to expect. A child should be able to expect your absolute best efforts at absolutely all times when they are a child. That's bare minimum. The sacrifices etc parents make to raise children is an expected effort. I'm not saying you make bare minimum effort I'm saying your absolute best effort is the bare minimum your child should expect

parenting struggles? They just want to play tennis. OP already covers childcare for a break and ad hoc for work etc.

I wasn't specifically talking about op, I was addressing the person who originally said there's no regard for the efforts made in looking after your own children if you don't then look after grandchildren. Looking after your own children is bare minimum, what accolades are required?

Well exactly. I know very few if any DPs that enjoyed joint weekly hobbies when they had young DCs.

Get a grip. Absurdity.

It’s laughable to me that this couple even feel entitled to ask for childcare so they can do a regular activity together on a Sunday night.

They just “asked”. That doesn’t make them entitled.

In the same way the OP has asked for lifts to hospital (where she could have got cabs) or to have her lawn cut (get a local gardener). And her daughter and SIL could rightly said no.

She’s carrying the guilt of saying no now. Who on earth has kids and thinks they can do a regular Sunday night activity as a couple together 😂? No one I know, it’s laughable. I wouldn’t have even asked. It’s entirely for their own pleasure at OP’s detriment. You’re tired at 62, just working is tiring. Everyone I know has a chilled Sunday, especially at that age, it’s called Monday fear for a reason, it’s not made up for goodness sake. iMO it’s completely entitled to ask and in your opinion it isn’t.

There's people and there's people. I expected that I and DH would massively reduce our couple and hobby time post kids. However one of my DMs good friends got stuck with her near newborn grandchild when her DD expected to be able to continue to go for a planned anniversary spa break. This poor woman did two days and was up the entire night between with a baby that didn't settle. Me and DM thought it was entitled as fuck though.

This thread is peak Mumsnet. The entirely reasonable op has amicably and happily sorted this with her entirely reasonable DD 4 days ago.

And yet it's still rumbling on very dramatically 10 pages later with people putting their own crazy spin on the situation and jumping to all kinds of daft conclusions about the op and/or her daughter.

It's crazy that such a normal and mundane family interaction has inspired such over the top reactions from some.

You don't know that she asked rather than them offering.

It's a rural place in a thinly populated part of the UK. It's probably much quicker to get to the hospital

I wouldn't ask my mum to do a regular babysitting gig for social reasons!

I agree it's peak Mumsnet but it has also shown the really significant number of posters who don't think mums/grans are people in their own right. It's so easy to volunteer other people's time.

It's been interesting to watch it evolve tbh.

When are you starting this Op?

It’s not entitled to ask, it’s entitled to expect. Have we really reached a stage where it’s entitled just to ask for help?

Playing tennis isn’t the same at all as hospital appointments.

They take OP to hospital appointments and OP already offers ad hoc childcare for work purposes.

I can’t even believe that so many people think a woman in her 60’s who has raised her children and still works should give up her relaxing time so someone can do an activity with their spouse. How about they consider alone time before having 3 kids. I would have cut the grass with my teeth to get alone time every week!

Not someone, her daughter. Who helps the op out taking to appointments as she doesn't drive. Bit of give and take always a good idea.

But OP already helps her daughter. Or should it always be held over OP’s head that she needs lifts to her hospital appointments?

Not held over her head but lifts do tend to be an ongoing thing not the odd one off. She's only 62 if she needs assistance now I'd guess will be more in 10 years so best to get in some good deeds imo.

Which sounds exactly like holding it over her head.