AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

Even much younger parents have health issues.
So must everyone conform exactly to your ideas of who and who is capable of doing what?

She is not 'only taking'; the brass neck of you saying that! She provides childcare already.

Incredibly little childcare. And her daughter does lots for her- I expect her daughter is more exhausted with 3 kids, working & looking after her mother & grandmother.
I know on MN though the consensus is boomers should have it all their way with everyone running ragged around them

Old! She’s 62! I’m 42 and currently I can’t claim neither my nhs nor state pension till I’m 68 (and been advised this will likely rise to 70 by the time I ‘hopefully’ get there

@Bobibbsleigh Some specifics please:

What does her daughter do for exactly?

Where does it say the daughter works?

Either I’ve completely missed certain details or you’re stating things that aren’t quite true.

@Bobibbsleigh oh and what does the daughter do for the OP’s mother? Again I’ve missed that.

I thought it was a reasonable question.

Over 70% of England is in drought (so where most of the population is) and the whole of Wales. We didn't know where the poster was.

And gosh it's not like men ever claim DIY and gardening take ages to dodge bedtime is it 😂?

The OP has said nothing about the mum's care needs, if any, or if she does, or did, any childcare.

My own mum used to have a fridge magnet that said "Guilt trips? My mother owns the agency..."

Yet @Bobibbsleigh is saying the OP’s daughter does a lot for the OP’s mother… As well as for the OP… as well as working…

So I’d aporeciate knowing where @Bobibbsleigh got all that from.

You can be in bed by 10pm and up at 6 - you
might be slightly tired on a Monday every so often! I think it’s mean to not even trial run it - sounds like they do a lot for you and while they don’t expect anything in return , it’s nice to payback. It’s 2 hours every other weekend!!

You could always try it for a couple of months and see how it works for you? You might actually enjoy it, spending that one on one time with the eldest. Then if you’re finding it doesn’t work for you, then at least you’ve tried. It sounds like they do a lot for you because they love you. It would be nice if you could do that for them twice a month, just to help them spend some time as a married couple.

Grass only really needs cut in the spring/summer though and she has the kids over night so that's probably at least 12 if not 24 hours every time. I must be living in a parallel universe because if I got my kids looked after over night every couple of months I would be loving life 😂. Also they are 2 year old twins and a 4 year old, that's a lot for someone with health problems. She also makes dinner or treats them to a takeaway every Friday. She sounds like a fab granny to me and I think it's unfair how posters are guilting her into this for couples tennis! 😂🙈 First world problems.

Age doesn’t matter when it comes to health and mobility issues, my mum can run rings around me in her late 60s and had way more energy than what I do in her 40s, not everyone is the same

Of course you're not unreasonable. So, you don't get to relax for the Sunday, no sitting down after dinner in your PJs and preparing yourself for Monday but you have to go out and stay up late (and yep, it is late for you, no matter what anyone else thinks) and run around after young kids when you're working the next day?

Nah. They can just hire a babysitter, you already do plenty.

Are all the grandparents refusing to help with looking after their grandchild expecting their own children to give up their sunday evenings to take care of them when theyre 80?

Is that not usually because they’re your parents and they brought you up? Should you help at any cost to your own mental and physical health?

I'd trial it. 👍🏼

Of course it's a lot for someone who works and also has health issues. OP does support them.

OP does look after them already. Why isn't that good enough?

Based on this I think you are being selfish - it’s hardly a late night

it’s hardly a late night
It is for the OP. You know people have different needs and preferences about sleep, right?

Yes and I’m sure her DD and SIL have a lot of other things going on when they continually reschedule their lives to take her to appointments and cut her grass etc. it’s all about give and take really isn’t it. Everyone is sacrificing something

I'm sure when she asks them to take her to her hospital appointments they don't think up excuses as to why they can't do it, it's very unlikely that they really want to do it,

Hospital appointments are a necessity though.

They just want to play tennis. OP IS there for them for ad hoc childcare which I'm assuming also includes emergencies.

I'm sure they would be lost without that too.

I would hate to do Sunday evenings I won’t lie.

For some reason only the stuff you do for your grandchildren counts, not the graft you put in for your kids.