AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

She’s not sleeping over!

Oh sorry, I have obviously read too cursorily! I thought the girls were being dropped to OP's house for some reason.

Yes, in that case Op my suggestion would not be much help! (Though could you stay over? I'd do it for payment of breakfast in bed!)

I’m sure the daughter and son in law have better things to do than help her out, but they do.
Let’s not make out she’s being asked to fight the kraken here.

and OP already helps them out.

She has work at 8am the next day.

Would that matter? Is the dd's house further from the office?

Yes, it is. HTH.

Oh so now she's to give up a peaceful Sunday, knowing the whole day she will have to drive late at night (yep, it is late at night for her, you don't get to decide its not), she no longer gets to relax after dinner of settle in for the night on Sunday before work on Monday, she has to give up her own bed, getting ready in her own home at her own pace the next morning and all so her daughter doesn't have to pay a babysitter for a couple of hours.

You sound mental.

ffs she's got to be up for work, man! rtft!

Why would you assume the DD lives as near to the OP's work?!

'fight the Kraken' 😂😂

If it were me, I would do it.

But the tone of the early replies was that she has to do it.

She doesn't! As people on here are so willing to say for other situations, no is a complete sentence.

The OP has raised her children and still works. It's not just the time and work involved; it's the regularity and the expectation, and needing to plan around it rather than keeping the time free for spontaneity.

If she chooses to do it, that's all well and good. But I thought it was unfair on her for there to be moral pressure.

Yeah and they've got 3 young bairns, they can't play doubles every weekend on top of all the other free time they get. My heart aches for them.

If you read what the OP actually put about the grass cutting, her SIL volunteered to do that and sets aside a day where he cuts his own grass, the OP's, his mother's, and the OP's mothers.

That's hardly 'rescheduling his life'. It's one day every few weeks which he chooses to do, and since he manages to cut the grass in four households in one day, it doesn't seem than any of them have really big lawns. For all we know, the OP's takes under 10 mins.

So I am a parent not a grandparent, so it’s a different view and my views may change as I age, but personally I would agree to do it on a trial basis - as the daughter, I would suggest why don’t you come over earlier, enjoy Sunday dinner as a family and then already be there when the children are going to bed; they’ve got the excitement over with a couple of hours earlier, and you aren’t just there for babysitting duty, you are there to spend some lovely time as a family and enjoy a meal first.

My mother however would absolutely not do it! She has always vowed never to commit to a set day (her own mother did and she believes she resented it) - and to be honest that laid out the stall for us. They have babysat during the day once in 11 years when I was in hospital… we never even ask. My mother in law would as long as it was in summer with light nights, and not too late, and not on a night before work.

I'm not assuming! That's why the question...

Honestly, they were mere suggestions. Some people on here are coiled like uptight springs.

No big deal if she can't.

I'm not sure. I'd assume so since OP says it's only a 10 minute walk from hers.

Wow! Really and truly, if such a trivial discussion is getting you this wound up, you need to think about your health.

The OP posted because, I assume, she felt bad saying no. They were suggestions she could consider - and, who knows, one of the might have caused her to say "Oh , actually, that could work." No-one has written to the DD and committed her; there really isn't a need for this off the scale aggression over it.

"Mental"? Really? 🙄

It’s not really trivial when people are suggesting any older woman who works with health issues doesn’t commit is selfish, shouldn’t expect any support in later life and also may be cut off from family, it is mental tbh

If all you are doing otherwise is being at home then I think it is an absolute shame that you won't do this for them. You live nearby, they will drive you back and forth and you will get to spend time with your grandchildren.

But it is up to you.

What a lot you will miss out on while they are young. They will as they grow get to the stage when they don't need you, so don't be surprised if they end up thinking you don't want to be with them.

I'd do it without hesitation.

Yes, I suppose that has some truth in it.

I wasn't really seeing it that way, as I only said she was maybe being a bit inflexible and there might have been ways to make it work better for her; I don't think it is selfish.

I certainly don't think it deserves being cut off from the family.

Yep, you’re being selfish.

Why, @MumsTheWordYouKnow? OP is working and has health issues, so why is she selfish?

She’s being asked to sit on a sofa for a couple of hours a couple of times a month. They live very nearby. She’d be in bed by 9:30. Sheesh. Health issues don’t prevent that.