AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

The OP has health issues.
I would struggle to get to work by 10 or 11 o'clock because of health problems, and I'm only 62.
You don't know the exact details, so just because you can manage it stop thinking the rest of us can too.

You’re very self centred.
And son in law seems to spend half his life cutting grass.

Give it a go ... tell DD you will see how it gies

Op already decided this yesterday afternoon!

you strange person

Yes you are being selfish. Most people in their 60s have some health issues and i’m assuming yours are not too bad since you have a job. I don’t think sitting at your daughters for 2 hours while they’re almost in bed is asking too much. Give your head a wobble

Have you put two-year-old twin toddlers and a four-year-old year to bed (even just the final stage) on your own?

I guessing you don’t have a chronic health condition.

As you have already agreed to give it a go I would trial it. If it doesn't work for you I would say no and not feel bad about it. Having to work the next day is an extremely valid reason and I would not put myself out for regular social tennis for my adult kids. If it would be a work situation or a medical situation they could not make work any other way then I would try and step up but not for tennis they are already playing once a week. They are also already getting regular date nights on Saturdays and can go to social doubles tennis every other week - how much time do they want together as a couple with small children without having to pay for it? I'd feel terrible inconveniencing my elderly mum for such a reason on a regular basis.

People want a village but don’t want to be part of a village.
Your daughter/son in law seem to help you out a lot. Helping every other Sunday for two hours isn’t going to kill you.

The OPs daughter isn’t being unreasonable but I think for a hobby ( tennis ) is quite different to work for example.
People often have to work shifts or have to work just to make ends meet nowadays.
Tennis is a hobby. Yes it’s fine they want to do something together, but they are relying on childcare to facilitate it.

Sundays evenings is generally quite an anti social time anyway, but I get it’s not the fault of the daughter or son in law.

When you have small children ( 3 kids all under 5) you have to accept that you have to sometimes sacrifice hobbies.

It may not kill her, no. But it may harm her health when she has existing health including mobility issues. Wrestling with two 2 year olds and a 4 year old is not easy even without health issues, a major point which you - as well as many others - seem to be blithely glossing over.

Yes, someone with health conditions at 62 is not going to be full of zip, pep and go. And certainly not have the energy levels of a 42 year old.

But the children’s parents will find out when they are asked by their children to look after their grandchildren in turn.

I've been in a similar position but the request was for a longer period of time.I live alone and I'm responsible for 1 elderly dog and 10 cats so I refused.
Sunday evenings are important for some of us in terms of preparing for the week and getting into the right mindset.Tbe OP could trial the arrangement if possible but 3 children are challenging if you have health problems.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

Can your mum do it instead of you? That seems like the ideal solution.

(And of course it's not selfish or unreasonable to decline to make a commitment you don't feel you can successfully carry through!!!)

I think they would always have been supportive but I can't imagine my relationship with all my kids would have been as good .

You sound mean. It’s only 2 hours once a fortnight. They do lots for you despite looking after 3 little ones. You are only 62- not old! If you expect more help as you get older- babysitting 2 hours twice a month is the least you can do

It's good to think these things over properly and get other views, especially if a regular committment.

I don't think this sounds like an unreasonable ask from your daughter and that she has thought about how to make it as least onerous as possible, in theory at least! She sounds considerate.

It also sounds like you have a nice family dynamic, seeing each other regularly and helping out. So I'd just talk to your daughter about your concerns and if, it were me, I'd offer to trial it for a couple of months, accepting the first couple of times might be a bit trickier due to kids' excitement of the new routine, but should settle after that.

Then if it works great. If it's too much, you cld drop to once a month or entirely if really not working.

OP is already part of the village. She already does some childcare and this would be on top of that.

You are only 62- not old!
With health issues.

YABU, 2 hours twice a month when you live 10 minutes away is nothing.

It's not that though is it.. I'm sure when she asks them to take her to her hospital appointments they don't think up excuses as to why they can't do it, it's very unlikely that they really want to do it, they just do it, because they love her and don't want to see her struggle when they are perfectly capable of helping her.. it's what family means to most people.

Her daughter has already said if it doesn't work out they will only go every other week when MIL is available to pop and have the kids. Why would they have a stranger in their house looking after 3 kids under 4 when the easiest option is to just not go. They aren't demanding or imposing penalties or bad feeling if OP doesn't do it, they are just asking her a favour, like she asks them, she either does it or she doesn't.

It's only OPs mum that has said she should do it, given everything they do for her.

Even much younger parents have health issues. She’s well enough to work - it’s literally 2 hours with 2 kids already in bed. Families are about helping each other out - not only taking

Her daughter & SiL already seem to do a lot more for her despite them working & looking after 3 young children. It’s not a lot to support with when as families we should be supporting each other.

Jesus are you aware the uk is quite big and doesn’t just mean England.
Up here we haven’t had one heatwave, it has been warm and damp, perfect grass growing weather. I’ve had to cut mine weekly.
Why would you question the op on this?