AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

I would help. It’s a really tough phase of life, and they probably really need a break.

They are doing a lot for you- and sounds like they are likely to need to do more in the future. Not sure why you can’t go to bed a bit later twice a month.

Wow. You are projecting too much. If your parents gave you good childhood, took care of your needs, gave you love and affection and emotional support, they did their job. Black
mailing grandparents that your kids won’t have relationship with them unless they do bath times or other childcare is wrong.

Why can’t she find a babysitter? Don’t any of the tennis club have teenagers who want some money? We had a babysitter who was the daughter of a friend. I may do it but it is an open house nded committment and would make me dread Sundays.

How is OP’s daughter in a tough phase of life. Most likely she is in 40s and fit enough play single’s tennis and now wanting playing doubles in addition.

Old age is also tough, may be you don’t know because you never had time to pay attention to people of that age group. Body is weaker than in younger age, a lot of people have joint issues or arthritis, a lot of old people are lonely. Old people have no value as humans in this country. My impression from what I read on mumsnet is that young or middle age people are only interested in them as long as they have something to benefit from them. I am not from OP’s age group but I find it really sad to see mumsnet’s attitude to old people whether it’s a topic of them earning their pensions or wanting to not do childcare in old age. Shameful attitude in the society, when everyone will get old one day.

Op don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You are as much human as your children. Going to tennis for both single and double is not a necessity and it does not trump your mobility issue and sleep habits.

A lot people go to bed around 9 and don’t fall asleep right away. Do what you can and don’t feel guilty if you can’t. My 80 your old neighbour who lives alone is a pianist and practise daily. God forbid if you had hobby like that clashing with your child’s.

I would love to know where on the west coast is £275 for a family membership! We are £720 at Prestwick 🙄.

This. Just give a helpful hand. There is nothing to stop you from doing this. I think that you are being unreasonable tbh. And if you have to feel that you have to 'get back' what you have done and be repaid for it? I would look at yourself and what you give to humanity.

JDFI.

Having 3 young children is a tough phase of life. Don’t you think so?

I have sympathy for older people- not sure why my post merited a lecture

How much childcare did your own mother do for you? By all means don’t do it, but I wouldn’t bother helping with odd jobs like mowing the lawn anymore if you were my mum. It doesn’t sound like they ask you for a lot anyway

Crikey, so much pressure on the OP to be a 'good girl'.

I would probably offer to do once a month. But I'm not the OP. Why can't the daughter book a babysitter?

If they do a lot for you I would. Otherwise they may be less inclined to put themselves out. When you are older and have even greater needs it will be an awful lot to ask your kids to help and what if they decide that actually no they want to be in bed by 9/up at a certain hour and it's just too inconvenient to help you out?

Of course there is nothing requiring you to and plenty of commenters on these sorts of post often like to remind of that. But personally I find it so odd that mums aren't willing to help their kids out like this. It's genuinely such a minor ask. Not every week, not for long, and most of the actual childcare is done.

Early 60s isn't old age though surely? I see lots of people online acting like its super old but is it, really? Most people I know that age are living life to the full.

It's genuinely such a minor ask

@Newmumatlast How on earth is looking after two 2-year-olds and a 4-year-old and putting them all to bed at the same time “such a minor ask”??

You are being selfish ..who goes to bed at 8pm as an adult..think this post may be made up

You’re getting 10 hours of sleep before work? Can you not manage going to bed at 10 and getting 8 hours every other week on a Sunday? Unless you have health problems of course?

1. Being “in bed” at 8pm doesn’t mean going to sleep at 8.
2. The OP does have health problems, she said so in her first post.

Do you have chronic health issues too?

I guess maybe I just come from a family where we all do a lot for one another such that it feels that way to me

Have you ever put twin 2 year olds and a 4 year old to bed on your own?

IMO YANBU. Although I’d probably do it myself, I don’t see it as being unreasonable to want to get a good nights sleep. and 3 young children IS a big ask of someone not in the best of health, who has, frankly never looked after 3 young children.

I do, when I can.

Edit: this was meant to be a reply to a post that said more than 8 hours of sleep wasn’t healthy.

what a load of crap. between 7 and 9 hours a night is the recommended amount for a HEALTHY adult. OP has health conditions which can often mean needing more sleep than average.

OP i think you are getting a shit time here. I know what it’s like to struggle with health problems that can often make you tired and that’s not an excuse it’s a valid reason. All the replies are likely coming from people without chronic health issues.

Maybe trial it for a few weeks but on the understanding if you can’t manage it to stop then.

Fast forward ten years and it will be the same person moaning the family are distant from me .. what a privilege to be in this position and yet you can’t see how lucky you are! Don’t waste this precious time because you can’t be a little bit flexible

The OP has work 8am Monday

So do I.
Alarm at 6.30. Out the house at 7.20. OP has a shorter commute.

Id have no social life or downtime if I went to bed at 9 every night.