AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

[Mumin40s]

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

Are you somewhere where you could go and do something/see something rather than just be on sun loungers all day? Because unless you’re happy reading a book that does sound a bit pants.

I think you need to let the negativity wash over you to some extent, apart from quietly trying to jolly things along I guess. She could be well out her comfort zone and struggling. She doesn’t have to drink and if she wants to spend 2 hours getting ready and no photos to be taken of her that’s up to her. Does she think she’s ND? Can you support her getting a diagnosis when she’s home?

leaving the hotel to walk around would be even hotter, she knows it was all inclusive from the start so going out would also mean spending money!

She has allergies, she didn’t pack any antihistamines so has spent the whole trip with the allergies.

I don’t even mind reading a book or having fun or going out I don’t care but she’s not even fun chatting or having any kind of interactions. It’s just a long stretch of time in a lot of silence or complaining

Shes of an age that you don’t have to be Siamese twins , go out for the day, market nice lunch boat ride , get some time away .

You must have known she was like that? Her personality can't be a surprise to you?

It does sound draining but is this a change of personality for her? Surely youve been on holiday with her before?

I was just about to say the same thing. It almost reads as if you've never met her before!

Defo not what my 17 and 21 year old dds are like. Just don't go with her again but in the meantime, she certainely wouldnt be telling me what I could or couldn't do. That would be made very clear.

Is she fun and positive at home?

This is one to chalk down to experience. Soak it up, preserve the relationship and then never go on holiday with her again.

I have two daughters in their twenties and neither is remotely like this. But surely you know your own daughter. Is this behaviour typical of her?

You sound like you're tip toeing around her as to not upset her. Crazy!
Sounds like your daughter has a confidence issue somewhat. Why not try to get her out and about? Perhaps new sights will make her forget her moaning.

Also, things like antihistamines, can you not get some from local pharmacy? One less thing to complain about. Anywhere to buy a book in English?

For all those saying supremely unhelpful things like 'surely you know what she was like before you went' ... I have a daughter who is horrible to go on holiday with. I think it's something about being outside her comfort zone, lack of control, being around me 24/7! She's basically fine at home, if a bit sensitive. Just get through the trip and never again.

Funnily enough, the couple of trips with her that were truly horrendous she remembers fondly now years later, so who knows!

You needed to teach her tolerance, engagement and independence a long long time before now. And as others have said you seem to not even know her?

My 23 year old DD is nothing like this either, sorry OP. I agree with PP this cannot be a new thing but maybe exaggerated now you are away? Sounds pretty bloody miserable. How would she take it if you discussed this with her?

How long do you have left? If you’ve only just arrived then maybe she needs more time to get used it. Just pick things that you want to go do and do it, tell her she can come or not. If the holiday is nearly over then I would just tolerate it and never go again.

It's like it's the first time youve met her!

I'm sorry. One of my daughters is like this. She is diagnosed autistic too. She is an adult and if we try to do anything with her, she acts exactly you have described. I tried something again last week, just a day trip, with my husband and her sister, she moaned about everything, wouldn't join in. It's like walking on egg shells the whole time with her.

But afterwards she will always say what a great time she had!

I don't pick her up on anything any more. I largely just leave her to her stewing and the rest of us do what we want.

I wouldn't do a 1 on 1 trip with her. She would find it too much and she would withdraw. We did go away a few years ago for a couple of days and on the last day she just slept as a way of coping.

So I really understand. All I can suggest is not doing such an intense 1 to 1 in future and for now, just leave her to it x

I’d be telling her pretty sharpish she doesn’t get to dictate how I spend my holiday and she can either join in or carry on being miserable on her own.

This sounds hard, @Mumin40s .

Go out and leave her to it. She's mid-20s. She will manage.

I mean there are plenty of people who worry a lot about what they look like and take ages to get ready and wear make up.

some of these people are ND and some are NT.

i’m not like that and neither is my daughter but I know several people who are,

what is unsuitable about her clothes and shoes? I find it hard to imagine clothes unsuitable for sun loungers unless we are talking walking trousers and and anorak

Is she late 20s?

She sounds more like a 15 yr old than a 20 something

She has always been quirky but not quite this bad. @Arran2024 is probably right I think she has ASD and this is the explanation

Why are people replying with ' well my DDs are nothing like this ' ? Good for you , how is that helpful to the OP