AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

[Mumin40s]

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

Mine too. She had planned a three week trip to Japan with her boyfriend but she went alone after they split up and said it was the best thing she had ever done. Found an app to find friends along the way. Having said that I probably wouldn’t go away with her as I would probably cramp her style 😊

We actually went to a music event, I was playing the same music the next day. The SAME. She complained.

I did explain about clothes and she made her own choices anyway.

I only explained that I am body confident as I do think she isn’t and I feel bad for her about this. It’s a shame in your 20’s to spend so much time worrying

This.

Even day by day do you not have a chat about what you want to do?

I went on holiday with DD (21) last year and it wasn't AI but planned to be a chill out holiday. We were both studying so each morning we had a chat over breakfast and made a rough plan - usually back to room for an hour or two of studying, walk into town for mooching and lunch, back to hotel for pool and reading, nap, freshen up and head out again for dinner.

Still very low key but a bit of structure.

I think OP was just explaining she's happy to throw on swimwear without worrying how she looks. She didn't actually say anything about her own appearance, just that she's confident in her own skin. Her daughter sounds the opposite.

Quite.

I'd just ditch her and go out alone. She's an adult. She can stay in the hotel room all day.

I wouldn't DARE have dictated to my mum (or maw should i say) how to behave on a holiday she paid for. She would've put me in my place quick sharp.

Perhaps daughter feels inferior to mum. And hoped the holiday would be something different to an assessment about who looks best.

When my Dd was 19 and just been diagnosed with ADHD we went to York for 5 days. After the first day she spent the next 4 sleeping all day and went on her phone at night. I don't think she really enjoyed being with me all the time which was fine, she was very tired and she just wanted to chat with her friends at night.
I went off and did the touristy things and decided we wouldn't try this again.
We work well with afternoons out, 2 hours max then home to rest and recover!
She holidays with her ND friends now and has a great time.

My DSis is ND and after going on a resort holiday with her last year I said never again. She sounds a lot like your daughter and although she can't help it, I also want to enjoy my holiday.

If you're near the end of your trip I think I'd just chalk this one up to experience and never, ever go on holiday with her again.

Holidays can be a prison, especially all-inclusive, sun lounger holidays where you have no clear, shared sense of what you want to do together. It sounds like this was the wrong holiday for the pair of you, and also that you are the wrong companions for one another. Relationships that are ok most of the time don't necessarily make for a good fit in situations like this.

Mentioning possible neurodiversity seems completely redundant. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, but everyone, always, seems to leap to this possibility these days, and being unhappy on holiday together isn't grounds for speculating.

Go off on your own, not in a huff but in a friendly way. Do your own thing.

I think people often behave differently on holiday - more intense versions of themselves. And there you are with the same person 24/7 and that's not usual either. I think you both need your own space - sharing a room is tough. At least go for a walk - have a coffee alone, do something by yourself everyday.

I wonder if the young woman has depression. The negativity and complaints certainly sound that way. One has to love one's kids, but as Einstein probably didn't say, "Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution."

Edit to add: No, YANBU. Either she needs to change her attitude, or this should be the final time.

I definitely would be doing this, jesus @Mumin40s your daughter sounds like very hard work, hope things improve 🍹

Can I just put it out there that not all people with ASD/ND are like this, because it's starting to sound like it... I recently went on holiday with my niece, both of us with autism and ADHD, and we had a bloomin blast. I'd also find it very frustrating being on holiday with OP's DD! (My DS also has autism and is great on holidays, he loves travelling and never moans about things that aren't quite his cup of tea.)

If I were you @Mumin40s I would go out and leave her to it. She should not get to dictate what your holiday is like, so make sure you get some time by yourself to do the things YOU want to do. You're not footing the whole bill just to have a miserable time, your holiday matters too.

I’m autistic as are all my family.

I would totally respect her wish to not have photos of her taken .

nothing would stop me taking photos of myself or my surroundings.

meet her at the pool or bar if she wants to take that long to get ready.

do what you want to do! She will ! Tell her : I’m going on a boat trip or a walk to town do you wish to join me ? If she says no meet her at 5pm

she may need time alone or to decompress but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun.

my autistic daughter and I have lovely beach holidays together . A lot of time we are together but in our own worlds reading or listening to podcast as we lounge but also enjoy the pool and eating and chatting together.

maybe she’s just not a beach holiday type of girl?

ask her if she would like to stay in the room maybe or round the pool and you go out-? maybe the lack of personal space is getting to her - my son who at 28 is lovely and has mild ADHD and medication controlled wasa moody critical nightmare in his mid teens and we only went away when we could afford 2 separate rooms or apartments with 2 separate bedrooms it used to piss my H off if he wouldn’t get up for breakfast etc and sometimes preferred to sit scrolling in apartment - so we let him do it . We never went AI either after the 1st time, because he was a fussy eater but loves good food and found the AIs ‘not to his taste’ and we were not at that IKOS level !! Luckily he’s mellowed a lot these days and to be frank would just appreciate a free holiday - still likes great food though on a lemonade budget.

honestly OP don’t let her spoil your holiday - do your own thing if necessary, ask if she would like to get some magazines, see if hotel has a library shelf of left books if she’s interested - let her fannyaround with hair and make up on her own and take your book and cocktail to the bar and chat to others - I’ve read some great books from this scenario of hotel book shelves - last holiday I enjoyed 2 Lisa Jewell’s without forking out a penny.chat to others, take photos, if she wants to be miserable , just leave her to it - and don’t take her again -!!! you can take me, I’m all for a free holiday, good company, like a cocktail or two ( well wine) and you sound lovely - I feel your frustration

She sounds draining, needy demanding and pretty overwhelming as a personality. I think you are going to have to challenge some of her behaviour for your sanity. The constant moaning is where I’d start oh and I definitely would not be giving her control over my holiday to soothe her anxiety. I’d be going out by myself.

Where did you get the who looks best vibe from? I think you are overthinking this!

I don't think I'd have done well on a holiday with my mum at that age. It's best to just go with friends once you're over 18, unless you're in a big family/friend group, as it's natural that you'll be so different. Once I'd got older and had kids, it was good to holiday with her again, both so she could enjoy a holiday and some time with us, so she could babysit sometimes-she was very happy to- and once I had my husband and others to socialise with. It would have been too intense for just the 2 of us together once I was an adult.

Even inside your own accommodation? That’s ridiculous.

In hindsight I was moody and ungrateful on a wonderful holiday my mum took me on in my early 20s. I was also very insecure at the time. That age can be tough for some. I became much nicer to be around and we had some lovely holidays together a few years later. I’d just try to let it wash over you, take yourself off for a bit, accept it may be because she is a bit unhappy in herself and take solace that it may well be diffetent in the future. For now, I think you can be loving and understanding but also no need to tiptoe around her.

Do we have the same maw?? 😂😂

It’s one reason I don’t go to holidays that are big resort hotels with no proper town very close by - I like time on my own , and I’m sure I’m not ND. A bit quirky maybe- my H feels the same - on city breaks he’s often for a couple of hours round vintage bits and bobs places and record shops, and I’m appreciating a huge C&A and a cafe on my own looking at mumsnet- lol!! And in resorts, I don’t like swimming much so am often on the town looking at nicknaks, checking out supermarkets and he’s snorkelling - I think some people love tge24/7 together- but others like me find it a bit claustrophobic - I don’t work from home for same reason as H does, even though I could -

Hi OP.

If she's autistic (as you suspect she is) she will be very overwhelmed at being holiday - she's out of her routine, in a hot country (which causes sensory issues) with unfamiliar food and, if you're sharing a hotel room, without her own space where she can go and decompress.

I managed travelling fine as a little kid when my parents were in charge and we had a set routine everyday, but once I hit my teens and I had more autonomy, I really struggled.

I would suggest going out for the day on your own and giving her a day in the room where she can decompress, shower, sit in silence or whatever, and then try and make a plan with her for the next few days so she knows what to expect and when.

I mean it's not just about the money it's bloody rude to be constantly complaining & telling someone what they can & can't do even if it doesn't affect you & also not want to be let alone!

Is that to the extent that you have to stay with her whilst she's getting ready Op?