AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

[Mumin40s]

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

Could you pop to the pharmacy for some antihistamines?

Can you ask her (gently) what her hopes or thoughts had been for the holiday?

I have the best and closest relationship with DD, now 29, but even we don't do more than five days or we begin to get on each others nerves. We have, after many holidays together as a family and few just us two, settled into liking the same things. A bit of culture, a bit of doing nothing, a lot of good food and many cocktails, in bed for 9, awake at 6, then home again before we fall out.

Maybe shorten the breaks together and you will find some common ground.

I got it from the OP’s post.
She talks about how she looks good, not a supermodel she concedes.
She takes no time at all to get ready but then explains further on how many hours her daughter does. But only to say it is pointless as any makeup comes off. She says it in a very disparaging way.

Then she goes into a grumble about her daughter’s appearance. How her skin is bad and this clearly has been talked about.
Mum complains daughter says it is hot. I expect it is. Mum complains she won’t go in the pool. Does mum go in the pool ? Mum complains she doesn’t like music on when they are getting ready.
Mum says she is zero fun.

That is where I got it from. Daughter’s confidence must be on the floor. But I suspect it might have been before they left for the holiday.

OP, what would she do if you told her that she's spoiling your holiday, and so you're going to go out and do your own thing, and she can stay in the room, go out, or do whatever she's comfortable with?

I have this daughter and a different type of one too!
I'm luckily, generically blessed to be healthy and of average looks. Never a super model but that's never bothered me. Normal weight pattern, skinny teen, stressed thin, happy plump, two pregnancies and a shift into middle aged. Still pretty fucking average.

I have modelled super perfect behaviour about body look, confidence and presentation throughout my kids childhood - thank you Mumsnet. My elder, autistic, daughters sadness about her looks, her excessive grooming, her presentation of a perfectly normal, probably blessed genetic outcome makes me really sad.

She worries so much and it comes out as bitterness, jealousy and is often targeted at me. It's like I'm the competition. She is nicer, masks more with others.
I know what having a competitive mum was like (she's fond of telling me how I was too big for her wedding dress at 13, I was 4 inches taller) which is why I was on Mumsnet so much learning to be a better parent.

I think groups are better, because sadly I need her to put on that mask a bit more. We've just had a horrific graduation where it was jeckle &Hyde depending on the witnesses. Perhaps we will always be the safe place but as a consequence get the worst behaviour.

Did you choose the holiday destination together? I feel like this would be my DD if we were at an AI/beach holiday.

Users asking how you didn’t know - my DD wasn’t like that at all, it got much worse with age and as she became more self conscious. We do day trips and long weekends now because I don’t think I’d be able to cope with a long holiday (sadly, because I’d love to).

Don’t discount how difficult it is to live with skin issues. DD also takes an insane amount of time to get ready (by any metric, except maybe if you’re Heidi Klum getting ready for Halloween) and it always stresses everyone out.

Ok, breaking news, not everyone is the same?

Not my daughter, she likes a cocktail with me. Will swim and doesn’t care an awful lot what other people think about what she wears which is pretty tame / sensible anyway. Certainly more so than I wore at her age!

How long has she been like this?
Have you ever made any effort to guide or help I also feel as if you’re talking about someone you don’t know like you went on holiday with a stranger

Go to a pharmacist in nearest town buy some antihistamines take taxi if neccesary make it a day out

Did you ever go on holiday together before?
I mean, if she won’t let you play Music that she listened to the day before then yeah, she’s just being horrible but something about this seems very off

I love my DD very much but she is hard to holiday with (ND too), she gets really homesick, doesn't really like the beach, finds me a a bit cringe, is fussy with food and generally not much fun to be around. At home she's lovely though so we've decided to leave the holidaying alone.

My eldest shares some of these traits - he's a boy though. He once went on holiday with one pair of trousers to last the week and ripped them on the first day in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, buying a replacement was a nightmare, won't wear joggers, won't wear jeans, nothing too tight, too loose. Thank God for Fat Face. Hates the sun, air con too cold. Finds holidays too "people-y".

This must be difficult for you and also a bit sad (I get it). All you can do is say that you’ll be having a few hours to yourself each afternoon and suggested uses that time to shower/get ready for dinner. If she sulks, she sulks. Disappointing but not a lot you can do. Lean in to the total rest.

Just leave her to her hair and makeup and moping and take yourself off for some fun

This - sounds like the holiday from hell.

My DP is autistic and can be like this, we’ve had a few holidays together and I’ve learned how to make it work now.

I get up and go straight to the pool/beach and leave him to get ready himself.
Without any pressure he comes down when he’s ready and if it takes time I know he’ll come when he’s hungry!
Sometimes he sits on the balcony for a couple of hours on his phone just to decompress and I enjoy reading by the pool.

I book trips and plan an itinerary before we go based on what we like and do a timetable for the week, he usually says he doesn’t want to go out on the day but I just insist and say it’s booked and paid for then he always enjoys it.
Sometimes we go to a travel agent when we are on the holiday (or book through a rep) and book a few days in advance and have everything talked through with us so we know what to expect, it’s good with these trips that they usually have a planned timetable for the excursions.

We always go to a hotel with WiFi and make sure he has a roaming package on his phone so he can play on his phone in the room or by the pool when I read because that’s what he enjoys doing and I download films from Netflix onto the iPad as well for flights and evenings.
I’ve happily gone to the bar or entertainment on my own in the evening and left him watching a film.

He also worried about drinking when he couldn’t see where the alcohol was bought and coming from but I showed him the thousands of reviews where people had enjoyed the alcohol with no problems.
I always go to the bar and get him a drink and he usually drinks it in his time and is fine after the first one!

Suitable clothing was a problem on our first holiday when he packed himself, it gave us a good excuse to go on a shopping trip which he didn’t want to do but enjoyed more then anything else in the end.
He struggles to recognise when he’s too hot and has sensory issues with clothes so making him comfortable made a big difference to his mood. Is there a market by the hotel you can buy clothes from just for now?

Meals out were tricky because he didn’t want to go out when we’d paid for AI but I didn’t want to be tied to the hotel. I knew part of why he said that was due to the anxiety of going out so I phrased it like it was as a favour to me to go and said it would make me really happy so he agreed.
We discussed options and looked at reviews and enjoyed some really nice local restaurants.

I just shut down any moaning, put my AirPods in or leave him where he is and go and do something else.
The first couple of days are usually the hardest and he sleeps a lot from the overwhelming travelling, sometimes he would go to the room for peace but when he’s more relaxed he’ll sleep by the pool or on the beach.

This is your holiday too and if your DD isn’t on the same page then give her space and do things on your own.
If you let her take things at her own pace then she might unwind but don’t just go along with things resentfully or try too hard to push her, with things like clothing choices if she won’t budge then just tell her not to complain if she won’t get changed.

It all sounds like hard work but in my experience it’s just about taking charge with some things and being patient and organised and being prepared to do things on my own.
I hope the rest of your holiday is good but it won’t be if you just sit with your DD in silence trying to please her and it won’t encourage her to act differently!

Solidarity OP. She sounds like my daughter in some ways too. I suspect she is ND too. Holidays can be tough, the different setting, changes to routine, sometimes poor sleep, unrealistic expectations and anticipation. It’s hard for you and probably hard for her. My daughter always gets an illness on holiday (uti, chronic constipation, migraine etc etc) which I’m convinced are brought on by being on holiday.

We went for dinner (in her weird outfit) and then I got her to go to the beach, it’s definitely sensory as she was weird about the sand.

She had no issue with sand as a child but this time she was agitated about sand. She did relax and go on the sand as it was sunset and very pretty but now wants a shower as she has sand on her.

I am just not going to book this type of trip with her again

That's the saddest thing I've read today.

You just want to put the boot into OP. Your tone is sneering, accusatory and speculative. It's almost as if you've decided that these important facts don't matter...

no music
no talking to other people
no noise
daughter won't go to the bar alone
daughter won't go in the pool
daughter won't entertain herself with a book
daughter says she's fine when asked

I just said I am not self conscious so it’s not something she had picked up from me, I am not self conscious. Thats all

For goodness sake, give your daughter a break! She’s hot, suffers from (untreated 😱) allergies and from what you say (unlike you, but like many of us) might not be too comfortable with her body or having photos taken, hence the “unsuitable” (maybe covering up) clothes…

Walk to the pharmacy with the poor girl (at a cool time of the day) and buy her some non-sedating antihistamines.

Don’t be encouraging her to drink to “loosen up”! She’s 100% right about adverse effects of alcohol on the liver, Be nice to her - splash about in the pool or sea together - will be cooling & could be fun!

As for her “bad” skin, you can mention that make up (but not suntan lotion) free skin exposed to the sun may be good for her skin.
When you return home, you can (gently!) encourage her to see a nice GP about her skin; there are amazing life-changing treatments available for acne etc.

Never mind criticising and “diagnosing” your daughter… Please just be thoughtful and kind!!! You might well regret it otherwise…

I am so sorry, but I am laughing so hard. Coz, this was me 2 years ago. Took DS, young adult, to Berlin to see a band. (Take That European tour, so disappointing, #takethatlite, very lite). He didn't want to do anything that wasn't car related. He'd had many months to research other things. Didn't want to eat out in the evening. Luckily we were in an aparthotel so had some cooking/fridge facilities. The weather was horrid but thats not the point. I've offered 1 more big trip, and after that we will holiday our separate ways. He does have some ND. But I would rather travel on my own than put up with rudeness. He is lovely and helpful at home. But sorry @OPno solutions.