AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

[Mumin40s]

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

Buy the poor sod some antihistamines.

Head out on your own tomorrow.

I think you might find it helpful to understand female neurodiversity. For example autistic people can struggle with facial expressions - she may look grumpy but might be feeling happy. Autistic people also often have sensory issues so find some music too overstimulating.

Dosent want you to talk to people extremely weird .
Sounds like you both need to talk to other people.
Although would anyone else find her interesting, worthy of a chat?
You don't want to be stuck just talking to her and having no fun all week. It's your holiday too.

A lot of people would talk about good and bad bodies though in that context. Not saying it's right, but it's common.

I’ve heard people talking about ‘good’ bodies; don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say some has a ‘bad’ body, though.

I’ve also had severe acne in the past, I got medical treatment, she knows this but she is scared to take any medication so she won’t get help. I’ve taken her lots of times to the GP, but she’s just in denial about it and very fixed on her view.

She seems to be very fixed on washing a lot, and germs. I didn’t realise she felt like this until now, like she said pools were gross. She’s very particular about her skincare regime but IMO nothing is helping, she needs medical help it’s that bad.

I am going to have to go find a pharmacy tomorrow and looked one up on a map, but she has plenty of medication at home, so it’s frustrating I’ve got to trek out an hour round trip walk in 30 degree heat because she didn’t bother to pack it, she’s an adult, I shouldn’t need to remind her

DD describes her own skin as good and bad. She will say it’s good today or it’s bad today. I am not mentioning her skin to her I wouldn’t comment on it to her face

@Mumin40s why didn’t she go to a Pharmacy herself and there’s a lot of things that don’t make sense here but what you’ve said about the washing yeah I think she needs help

She’s probably a goth. They don’t do well in the heat. OP, if she doesn’t want to go to the Gp for lymecyline or dianette, why don’t you start with offering her a Skin&Me subscription?
I couldn’t have begun to think about holidaying with my parents at that age - they bugged the hell out of me.
Your poor daughter sounds like she’s suffering from cripplingly low self esteem and feels incredibly self-conscious. She can probably sense your disapproval of her and disappointment a mile off. Does she have any positive attributes in your opinion?

I don’t disapprove of her, I just don’t understand her.

The outfits are just not suitable for the location or the weather. She overheats and panics that she looks out of place.

She’s not a goth.

What do you mean you are 'not allowed' to do this or that?? You are both adukts on holiday you need to set boundaries. Make some plans she can either be ready or come with you or she can stay in the room or by the pool on her own for a bit. Of course you are allowed to do things you want, you are noth adults and you paid for it!

This is exactly what I thought too! An air of smugness and superiority about these comments! Dear @Mumin40s solidarity with you, my dd age 19 has recently been diagnosed as ND - disorganisation is one that sticks out to me. Only by understanding how there mind works gives you some comfort. But for now maybe have small breaks from each other while on holiday. When back at home encourage her to get an assessment. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Yes Dianette cleared up the sudden and very extreme cystic acne I developed aged 17. It was awful having never had any issues with my skin before (or luckily- given that I am now 40, since) I couldn’t face going in to class at all- but that pill cured it. I’m not recommending it because I have recently read that it is quite a dangerous medicine but it was what I need at that time, even if that is very superficial.

Also some ND children / adults can be controlling. I know this first hand from my dd and the Psycologist explained it to me. The holiday is magnifying all of this. Of course you love her, she’s your daughter: understanding will take time when you get back but there are lots of place I can sign post you to, maybe when you are back from holiday? Let me know x

Tell her you want to go and do X tomorrow and it will be hot, you understand she’s struggling in the heat would she prefer to stay at the hotel?

I would just get on with things without her, don’t let it ruin your trip. Also if she’s banned the music yesterday, tell her today you are having some, and you need to alternate. She doesn’t get to decide for you both and can put on some headphones!

Has she been abroad before? Maybe she didn't realise how hot it can feel. Still I think booking a different kind of holiday in future might be better. Maybe a schedule of what you're doing will help you both.

Sorry OP but I can’t help but picture you two as Eddie and Saffy in Ab Fab. I hope it gets better!

My DC clearly has something like ASD, doesn't want a diagnosis so we haven't been able to get one but all professionals he has met feel he has. DC hates going on holiday, the unfamiliarity of it makes them feel really uncomfortable. Several things about your story raised red flags - the extreme fear of getting liver damage from alcohol, germs from the pool and wearing inappropriate clothes particularly. In the summer my DC often wears jumpers when its boiling outside, I think they have a heat sensory issue.

I think it's not worth going on holiday with them again, but try to make the best of it. She also sounds very insecure about her looks and that is probably making things more difficult. What does she like to do? Can you find something that she likes doing, even if it means leaving the resort/pool for the day?

Also can you give yourself some time out, leave her in the room if that's where she wants to be, so you can get some enjoyment and she can get some comfort from being alone. Good luck!

Darling, you say she's in her 20s. She is an adult with a job and her own life.

Why are you so hyper focused on her?

Her 'weird' outfit, how she acts around sand, what she prefer to do or not do. What she should do with her skin, you taking her to the GP... her having or not having cocktails.

This would be appropriate if she's 13, not the age you say she is.

For whatever reason, she's currently not doing very well. And you being all over her and judging her every move and every choice makes it much worse. Advising her what to wear etc, telling her x is a better choice.

There's lots of mother-daughter dynamics like this in my family and they just don't work. The DDs are on edge and moody around their mother, and become a completely different person once the mother leaves the room, it's like they light up.

If she wants to do her make-up for 2 hours, let her. If she wants to wear something you wouldn't choose to wear personally, let her. If she doesn't want a book for the pool, let her. She doesn't need to fit the mould that you think she needs to fit. You're not helping, you're making her feel inadequate. Just let her be the person she is, even if you dislike that person. You can't force people to be someone you want them to be.

It sounds like she probably has life/health troubles and some MH concerns. These will get better with age.

Trust me, any issues that you think she has, she knows 10x that she has them. You don't need to point them out and make her feel bad on holiday.

Be patient. If she wants 2h to do makeup, it doesn't stop you from calmly and nicely leaving the room to go poolside so she can do what she needs.

The best thing you can do is do your own thing and give her some space. If you're bored, go off and do something. In situations like this, absence genuinely makes the heart go founder. 7 days constant mother-daughter time is emotionally really intense and exhausting, unless you have an absolutely fantastic relationship, and if you aren't getting on anyway, it can really escalate.

If she had heat sensitivity then why agreed to the holiday?

Some people with autistic traits can acquire OCD habits
plus some ND / autistic people find that their sensitivity to sensory experiences become a great deal more heightened when they’re stressed or in unfamiliar places

would she like to listen to audible / can you find a few books for her to read?
knitting / crochet etc

i wouldn’t ask her if she wants those things if she’s very self conscious just buy them and say theyre there if she wants them

is she stressed by work at home - if she’s finding life generally difficult might be hard for her to switch off on holiday

She may already be very self conscious and aware that you don’t find her fun, think she’s too shy, cannot understand why she doesn’t want to swim etc. I agree with previous posters about giving her space. Can she come and find you once she’s ready?

also it is quite difficult I think, in a lot of mother daughter relationships if the mother wants to help their daughter if the daughter isn’t specifically asking for that help. It’s better received if it comes from another source.

do you think there could be neurodivergent traits on her paternal side?

She’s old enough to walk to a pharmacy by herself? I wouldn’t be going! My daughter is ten years younger than her and would know to pack meds like that.

At that age I was travelling round the world with a friend and off to uni. If she has packed unsuitable clothes and gets too hot that’s her fault. She’ll just have to go buy some shorts or something.

googling the cocktails- hasn’t she had alcohol when out with friends?!

There is no world where I would start a thread bitching about my daughter and actively encouraging posters to basically join me in bitching about her @Mumin40s

I wouldn’t allow any sort of dictatorship on how I spent my holiday, if you want to read a book, have a drink, talk to other people just do it.

She sounds a lot like my ND dd and I wouldn’t put up with this.