AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

[Mumin40s]

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

My mum would have given me a cheery ‘Well, bugger you then!’ and gone off to do whatever. You should do the same.

My thoughts exactly….

I mean this is just completely made up surely. Mother is surprised going on holiday with daughter in 20s about ASD behabiours. If you've live and cared for a DC with ASD you could not be surprised. And all this stuff about body confidence is sheer rage bait. Come on MN we are better than responding to this aren't we?

she hasn’t been diagnosed with ASD

I am wondering as she gets older, this gets worse. I obviously brought her up and she was quirky but this is different as she’s older and has more autonomy

I've been surprised by my own behaviour on holiday! Melt downs, unexpectedly homesick, depression, to name a few.
People who you know and love well can dtill surprise you and behave differently when out of their comfort zone, it takes experience to understand it.

People are literally answering this question

Is this kids of today or just my daughter?

that the OP asked in her opening post

Not really sure why you are completely making stuff up.

This hasn't been said anywhere through this thread.

This is 100% how a holiday with my eldest would go. I have had several incidents this summer of trying to get her to dress appropriately for the weather, reminded her that her make up will melt, and it all goes exactly how I say it will and I still get moaned at. I think to an extent being wrong is just the lot in life of the mother of a young adult woman! She just tends to choose to stay at home now, which is a shame in some ways but it's where she's comfortable.

I never ever diagnose on here but she does sound like she could be ND,
My DD worries about what people think of her constantly. She’s a tiny bit better on Holiday . I’ve found that going back to the same place helps her -she feels ‘safe’tyere and it’s not unknown anymore.
She (first year we went) used to be full on make up.
Now she’s “brush my hair, squirt of deodorant, smear of lipgloss -I’m ready”

Shes struggling -she brought all the ‘wrong’ stuff, she knows this but won’t admit it. She would feel like a failure and useless if she asked you to help her pack (in her mind). Shes out of her safe space.
Yes it’s fine for her to play music but not you -no I don’t understand it either.
I would tell her that she either perks up a bit or leaves you alone so you can speak to other people, dance, have a drink. I wouldn’t be dictated to her.
I would also do one of those dreadful ‘are you autistic’ tests online and tell her to have a go . I did that with my DH and it was the start of his diagnosis in 2015

She needs you to be understanding but equally she isn’t the boss of you.

Sympathies, you’re not alone, I took my DS who’s 20 away, and every single day was torture.

Well.she literally asked, so there's that

You can buy antihistamines from pharmacies in most countries (cheaper than UK to buy)

These days there us google translate to help you too

Because’s OP’s question in her AIBU is ‘Is this kids of today or just my daughter?‘

You said she has bad skin. This can really undermine self confidence. Been there. It did make me depressed. It can be soul destroying. I ate well, looked after my skin and the damn spots kept coming. Heat made it worse too. Eventually got prescribed Dianette. Skin improved and so did my mood.
I really feel for her and I hope she will go to GP about it....and don't be fobbed off.

Oh so sorry for you when you were looking for some positive one to one time with your daughter on a relaxing holiday. I only ever went abroad AI once with my adult daughter, as the whole thing was so stressful! I was wanting to get up early, get showered and go down for breakfast whilst she was still asleep in bed, and then she spent over 2 hours getting ready to go out, so we lost the mornings! Plus her assumptions that I had brought everything like hairdryer, straighteners, toiletries, suncream and towels whilst she had used her luggage allowance for mountains of clothes! She was the same about photos too. One of the main issues was that we were room sharing and were both used to having our own space, plus I wasn't happy picking up wet towels etc. Probably the only thing we enjoyed doing together was clothes shopping and looking round markets, but it wasnt too hot. Suggest you just accept it is what it is and try to make the best of it. It sounds like your daughter is possibly lacking the confidence which we acquire with age and experience, plus all the fake dream lives shown on social media affect people's feelings about their own self image. If you normally live separately you may not be fully aware of her insecurities, so try not to fall out, just count the days to going home !

came to ask the same thing.
op you sound very patient and doing your best but surely this can’t be new / completely unexpected

Some people do turn into bloody nightmares on holiday. I think you can be great with friends or family at home and just not be compatible at all on holiday. I still remember going on a holiday with my uni flat mates. Bearing in mind we lived together and all got on; one guy was horrendous on holiday. Just pure miser behaviour and he was so easy to live with at home. It was bizarre but we all said we’d never go away with him ever again.

At no point in the OP does OP say she looks good or how good she looks.

She says shes confident in her body, she's no supermodel, and she's quick to get ready to go out.

The reference to her D's bad skin is to explain why she wants to wear so much make up, which is pointless as it melts straight off. There is nothing in the OP's comment there that seems disparaging about either the bad skin or the desire to cover it up, only the fact that lots of heavy make up in hot weather won't work.

Stop trying to invent a situation that doesn't exist, its really very boring.

@Mumin40s Tell her, don't ask her (that piles on pressure) " Today Im doing x, would you like to come with me, if so I am leaving at X, if not ill catch up with you here later'.

Then go do your thing. Grab her some antihistamines if you can whilst you're off doing stuff.

I'm curious, what is weird about her outfit(s)?

Yes it does sounds like she may be ND and sensory issues.
I think it is more obvious when you are together 24/7.
My dd is 20 and has some issues you mention. Eg she won’t have photos, was so upset in an outfit she had chosen we went back so she could change, insists on full makeup when it’s hot in daytime etc. There’s no point saying you like nice or you don’t need your hoodie it’s 32 degrees.
We manage by me leaving her to it, I go for breakfast and an hour late she emerges. I go off on own sometimes.
I’d leave her to it. Do your own thing. Don’t let her stop you enjoying yourself she’ll be miserable whatever you may as well do what you like.

Some of the things you mention could be sensory and down to her maybe being ND. I think she is going to moan whatever so I would carve out some time for yourself and go and chill out by the pool or on the beach and leave her in the room if that is what she wants to do. Try and tune out the negative stuff she comes out with and maybe use earphones to listen to music.

She’s out of her comfort zone and this is impacting badly on what is both of your holidays.
You were really generous to pay for this as your daughter is in her 20’s, presumably working and earning her own money and is not behaving with good grace. Even if she doesn’t want to do everything together it’s rude that she’s being off with you for trying to talk to anyone else. If she’s not talking to you it’s fine for you to make conversation elsewhere.
I’d find this a very difficult situation indeed.
I guess your options are to
a) bring this up as a conversation to explain what impact this is having on you, or
b) just carry on as you are

I’d be vowing to not repeat this experience again though.

A young woman in her 20s is old and mature enough to be left on her own. If you want to lounge by the pool with a book and not venture out fine. Let her make her own arrangements,

I never went on holiday with my parents after age 16. We were different social classes with completely different interests. I later stopped going on holiday with a companion of any sort. I would warn them beforehand I will be going out for some me time tomorrow and you are free to do whatever you want. The result was accusations of abandoning them. Thereafter I travelled alone.

Just a note about saying she has ‘bad’ skin. This has always been a bugbear of mine, as someone who grew up with skin issues. The word ‘bad’ in and of itself is so unhelpful and disparaging. Would you say about someone who was fat that they had a ‘bad’ body? No, you wouldn’t. I can’t think of any other instances - apart from the silly ‘bad hair day’ where someone would describe something about another person as ‘bad’. Something they can’t help, too.

OK. Bad breath but that can be dealt with quite easily unlike skin problems. Other than that, nothing.

As for your daughter, no idea if she’s ND but I grew up extremely self conscious because of my skin. She may just be really self critical/hyper aware of how she looks. In my case, it was down to chronic body dysmorphia which was diagnosed in later life.