AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

[Mumin40s]

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

@Octavia64 jeans and closed in shoes with socks

OP asked: "Is this kids of today or just my daughter?"

Tbf that’s standard on MNs

Just go and do your own thing

If she's happiest in the room, sack her off and do your own thing. She can complain all she wants. She's 20 odd, not 5.

Sounds like she’s overwhelmed and hasn’t prepared very well for the holiday. I have 2 ND DDs so I feel you. Don’t wait around whilst she gets ready. Tell her to meet you at the pool when she’s ready. If she is happier chilling in the room give her some space. If she has really under packed then you could offer a shopping trip if you can bear it. Has she got headphones so she can listen to music or podcasts if she isn’t a book reader? With my two they respond better to me being clear about my plans and being given the option to chill on their own to decompress if they don’t want accompany me.

No, it's not "kids of today" at all.

I've been away with both my dds in their 20s (separately - 2 different occasions) and neither of them are like this.

I'm with the other asking if this is a sudden personality transplant for the first time on this holiday ? Surely you would know she is like this?

I'd leave her to it and read my book / listen to music / chat with other people and let her waste he own time. I wouldn't be dancing around her.
Why does her wish to not have any music on trump your wish to do so ?

Has she done a hot holiday before, on her own?

You seem to have assumed that as she’s an adult she doesn’t need help with packing and personal organisation. If I’d taken DS, I’d have reminded him about medication and suggested sun screen/sun proof shirt and numbers/types of clothes he’d need. Because I know he’s inexperienced AND that it will impact me if he isn’t properly equipped.

I’m not going to suggest ways of managing her behaviour though- you know her best. In my house it would be, ‘I’m not sitting in silence of the lounger tomorrow. I might [x, y, z). What will you do?’.

And to be honest, it’s courteous now to use EarPods if you want to listen to music. No one wants to listen to other people’s.

Because the OP specifically asked in her last paragraph if this was “the kids of today or just my daughter”

Thats why!

They sell antihistamines in other countries too, head to a pharmacy.
Tell her a time you are going to the pool/out and tell her to be ready by then, or she’ll have to make her own way down. Use the WiFi to download kindle or equivalent on her phone to read books. Tell her you are taking photos whether she likes it or not. Set some boundaries and expectations.

I absolutely hear you and you have my total sympathy! My dd is same age and also ND. We go on hols still as a family of 4 and my god we've had some spectacular rows! I cope with it by drinking more wine, trying to let it going over my head but most importantly letting her do her own thing and not what I think she should do. For you being on your own with her it's doubly hard. I would carry on drinking cocktails. Stay calm (easier said than done) and let her do what she wants and you do what you want. It might be nice if you could do something together but not always practical. Good luck!

I am suspected on the spectrum... and I'd say please don't play your music in the room... it is very intense for the other person who is forced to listen. It feels like someone kicking the back of my chair in terms of the rising rage it causes.

I struggle with holidays with endless days without a plan. I do better with a leave by time and an activity. Could you plan some things and give plenty of notice and reminders?

If I am taking ages to leave a room it's because the extra time allows doubts to creep in and I start reconsidering my options. I work much better with time pressure.

Hi 👋 OP. I would just like to say it is not only your DD. I have a child like this, far too old to be behaving in this way. There is ASD involved. It’s fucking hard work, depressing and leaves you resentful. I will now not go on holiday with them - they’re a mood hoover and I will not spend my money on it.

You need thick skin to get through the rest of the holiday. Have another cocktail and zone out. 💪

How would she react if you gently point out that she doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself? Ask if there’s anything that would make the holiday better and if she can’t think of anything suggest that she spends some time relaxing in the room during the day rather than sitting by the pool which she clearly doesn’t enjoy.

You could at least get some time alone away from the negativity and have a bit more of an enjoyable time. I find being around someone in a bad mood completely draining and I don’t think I’d be able to ignore it unless I could get some time away.

I’d then just read, swim and tan. You and DD can the go for dinner together

This is just one holiday. If her version of getting the most from the holiday is lounging by the pool, let her. Not worth falling out about, just go at her pace this time.

She's not a kid and she doesn't get to dictate what happens.
You paid for the holiday, if you want to play music, play music. If you want to talk to people, talk to them.
Tomorrow morning just get yourself ready and then go out, don't sit around and wait for her, just go and get on with your holiday and take lots of pictures too!

What’s wrong with jeans and socks and closed shoes?

I’ve been on sun loungers in everything from bikinis to full on tracksuits (felt the cold that holiday)

She wouldn’t take advice about packing 😂

I don’t mind what she wants to do but she is moody 24/7.

I do think she’s out of her comfort zone.

As for playing music.. it’s ok for her to do it 😂

It’s 32 degrees in an AI resort with a dress code

This. Just except that this is what it is and dont go on holiday with her again

I was always obsessed with what people thought of me and would mess around with make up etc. I am adhd maybe autistic - it was anxiety I think (though never heard of that when I was young) also terribly self conscious. I would try to get her some counselling when you get back - such a waste of life and time to be constantly worried what people think. Also in her own environment she possibly masks her way through life but in a different environment maybe she feels she hasn't had a chance to get that in place so worries.
Can she have a glass of wine?

Very strange.
Did you not talk to each other about the holiday, what you might do, pack, whether you were buying anything new ?
What were you both looking forward to doing ?

Why do you refer to how you look in a swimsuit as well ? I don’t see how that is relevant.

ND family here and lots of holidays (some more successful than others)

• buy antihistamines locally. Hotel shop may even have some under the counter (not illegal just literally not on display)
• do not for the love of god play your music without headphones. Ask if there’s any music she’d like to listen to and if not : silence. She’s decompressing from the new environment
• is there any excursion you’d like to do? Eg boat trip? Visit some Roman ruins? Research it, present it to her and if she’d like to go great, if not you go solo and enjoy
• meet her at the pool etc . Don’t wait
• talk through the plan for the next day over dinner (only one day at a time). I literally write it down for the family, right down to indicative timings for swim, lunch etc. this is a good opportunity to seek her feedback

next (?) holiday:

• talk through the hotel and destination with her, get her to watch tik tok walk throughs etc : all of this will help her prepare mentally . See what’s on at the destination and get her to think what she’d like to do. It might be just sitting on a lounger : and that’s her look out!
• do a WhatsApp packing list and help think things through. My 50 year old DH needs help packing as he can’t visualise what’s out of the routine. He’s a partner in an accounting firm and not stupid. If she’s had some packing fails (wrong clothes, no meds) learn from it

It sounds like you've taken my Dd on holiday, she's autistic too.
Try and do some things on your own if you can, and other than that tune out, and read your book/drink a lot!