Page 10 | AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

pastadish · 19/08/2026 14:25

This sounds like my dd was when she was unmedicated with ocd, anxiety disorder, a mood disorder etc. it was incredibly hard to manage but she was also like that at home so if we went on holiday I would have some idea of what to expect and how to handle it. She’s had a huge amount of help over the years so is actually not like that now in the slightest and is good company and good fun to be around even though she still has her ‘quirks’ they are not really noticeable but this could be that we are used to it and know how to handle it, for example if we were on holiday we know before we go that she does not have to do anything she doesn’t want to do she can stay by the pool and we will go and do these things ourselves, which makes her relaxed (I say that to all my dcs so not just her). I also think she is adhd although no one has ever picked up on any type of ND in the 19 years she has been seen by various professionals from when she was a child even though I did question it myself (but that’s a whole other story)!!
I’m not sure if any of this fits your daughter although ocd does fit with the taking 2 hours to get ready/ worrying about what to wear, also it does sound like ND.
Just get on with the holiday as best as you can, if she’s doing this she can’t help it but it’s still hard to manage and be around, get yourself a book.
And go the pharmacy and get the antihistamines for her, forget that she’s in her 20s sometimes people need a bit of help.

Corianda · 19/08/2026 15:55

What was the huge amount of help she’s had over the years - briefly if you don’t mind saying

ThatBliddyWoman · 19/08/2026 16:42

WhatsUpWithGene · 18/08/2026 19:56

My DP is autistic and can be like this, we’ve had a few holidays together and I’ve learned how to make it work now.

I get up and go straight to the pool/beach and leave him to get ready himself.
Without any pressure he comes down when he’s ready and if it takes time I know he’ll come when he’s hungry!
Sometimes he sits on the balcony for a couple of hours on his phone just to decompress and I enjoy reading by the pool.

I book trips and plan an itinerary before we go based on what we like and do a timetable for the week, he usually says he doesn’t want to go out on the day but I just insist and say it’s booked and paid for then he always enjoys it.
Sometimes we go to a travel agent when we are on the holiday (or book through a rep) and book a few days in advance and have everything talked through with us so we know what to expect, it’s good with these trips that they usually have a planned timetable for the excursions.

We always go to a hotel with WiFi and make sure he has a roaming package on his phone so he can play on his phone in the room or by the pool when I read because that’s what he enjoys doing and I download films from Netflix onto the iPad as well for flights and evenings.
I’ve happily gone to the bar or entertainment on my own in the evening and left him watching a film.

He also worried about drinking when he couldn’t see where the alcohol was bought and coming from but I showed him the thousands of reviews where people had enjoyed the alcohol with no problems.
I always go to the bar and get him a drink and he usually drinks it in his time and is fine after the first one!

Suitable clothing was a problem on our first holiday when he packed himself, it gave us a good excuse to go on a shopping trip which he didn’t want to do but enjoyed more then anything else in the end.
He struggles to recognise when he’s too hot and has sensory issues with clothes so making him comfortable made a big difference to his mood. Is there a market by the hotel you can buy clothes from just for now?

Meals out were tricky because he didn’t want to go out when we’d paid for AI but I didn’t want to be tied to the hotel. I knew part of why he said that was due to the anxiety of going out so I phrased it like it was as a favour to me to go and said it would make me really happy so he agreed.
We discussed options and looked at reviews and enjoyed some really nice local restaurants.

I just shut down any moaning, put my AirPods in or leave him where he is and go and do something else.
The first couple of days are usually the hardest and he sleeps a lot from the overwhelming travelling, sometimes he would go to the room for peace but when he’s more relaxed he’ll sleep by the pool or on the beach.

This is your holiday too and if your DD isn’t on the same page then give her space and do things on your own.
If you let her take things at her own pace then she might unwind but don’t just go along with things resentfully or try too hard to push her, with things like clothing choices if she won’t budge then just tell her not to complain if she won’t get changed.

It all sounds like hard work but in my experience it’s just about taking charge with some things and being patient and organised and being prepared to do things on my own.
I hope the rest of your holiday is good but it won’t be if you just sit with your DD in silence trying to please her and it won’t encourage her to act differently!

Lord you've more patience than me! That sounds like a nightmare!

MaddestGranny · 19/08/2026 19:25

Arran2024 · 18/08/2026 18:12

I'm sorry. One of my daughters is like this. She is diagnosed autistic too. She is an adult and if we try to do anything with her, she acts exactly you have described. I tried something again last week, just a day trip, with my husband and her sister, she moaned about everything, wouldn't join in. It's like walking on egg shells the whole time with her.

But afterwards she will always say what a great time she had!

I don't pick her up on anything any more. I largely just leave her to her stewing and the rest of us do what we want.

I wouldn't do a 1 on 1 trip with her. She would find it too much and she would withdraw. We did go away a few years ago for a couple of days and on the last day she just slept as a way of coping.

So I really understand. All I can suggest is not doing such an intense 1 to 1 in future and for now, just leave her to it x

..and don't share a room. You each need your own. I know it's more expensive.

Stressedoutmum79 · 19/08/2026 19:59

Sounds very much like my autistic 16 yr old, we went on holiday after the GCSEs this year and never again, waste of money, kept asking to go home then night before we were going home didn't want too 😂 think she was finally settling into the holiday. It was hard work and everything such a compromise on her terms or huge meltdowns, mine struggled with the noise in the ai dining restaurant, the heat, taking 2 plus hours to get ready every morning and night, sensory with the sand, suncream etc.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2026 20:22

Mumin40s · 19/08/2026 13:59

@TorroFerney look I said DD there is a dress code for the à la carte and I would like to eat there once. Just once. I sent her the link to it and the dress code. She wore baggy jeans and trainers. It’s 32 degrees. They did let us in but I was stressed they wouldn’t.

She’s in a bikini by the pool so I think she’s feeling a bit more confident. I actually feel sorry for her she looks great. I’ve had 2 kids and have more weight and wobble on me than she does, she’s a little size 8 I think she looks cracking but I appreciate girls can feel self conscious I just feel bad for her in that way.

We have had a better day, going home tomorrow

So Glad you had a better day!’

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2026 20:24

ginasevern · 19/08/2026 11:52

Next time take me OP. I love a cocktail or three and I don't wear any make-up.

I’m sorry I beat you to it lower down the thread!!

Sickoffamilydrama · 19/08/2026 20:51

I could see DD being a bit like this if she was stressed and not well regulated.

We've just come back from a week away and she really struggled with some aspects. We are all ND and struggle in our own ways but she was noticeably worse.

She was getting overwhelmed when we went into the main very historic town centre and was getting too hot but then wouldn't sit down and have a drink or rest she just seemed to want to get in and out. Problem was everyone else wanted to explore but she wouldn't stay behind at the hotel.

Next time we'll talk before hand and maybe go with more family or friends so if some want to stay behind they can or run through expectations and solutions if she feels overwhelmed.

I think her own room might have helped her DD spends a fair amount of time decompressing in her own room at home but shared with her sister on holiday.

I recognise the wearing too hot items she's started to learn not too but there are still times I suggest to her to take her jumper off and she might feel better.

Can you talk to her about her behaviour? I'm able to with DD and have asked her to think about what would work next time but she is diagnosed with Autism so can't deny she is ND.

Genevieve29 · 19/08/2026 22:34

Mumin40s · 18/08/2026 17:47

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

Just a quick note about your daughter's skin. Try Norse Organics (online). They're not cheap, but oh boy do they work well and quite quickly on acne. And no, Im not paid to endorse them, but have not long discovered their products, and they work like magic!

Festivfrenzy · 20/08/2026 06:26

Monty36 · 18/08/2026 19:29

I got it from the OP’s post.
She talks about how she looks good, not a supermodel she concedes.
She takes no time at all to get ready but then explains further on how many hours her daughter does. But only to say it is pointless as any makeup comes off. She says it in a very disparaging way.

Then she goes into a grumble about her daughter’s appearance. How her skin is bad and this clearly has been talked about.
Mum complains daughter says it is hot. I expect it is. Mum complains she won’t go in the pool. Does mum go in the pool ? Mum complains she doesn’t like music on when they are getting ready.
Mum says she is zero fun.

That is where I got it from. Daughter’s confidence must be on the floor. But I suspect it might have been before they left for the holiday.

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I agree tbh - not that OP has done anything wrong but this age can be super paranoid and just her and mum together could very well be highlighting how different she feels and how uncomfortable and unprepared she is.
@InheritNowtis helpful too - it does sound like she’s ND and the relevance of this is she can’t help it - it’s not rude or ungrateful it’s just how she is. I would be feeling sorry for her and trying to help her settle not grumbling about/to her. She will likely have picked up on this and feeling worse as a result.
Tbh as her mum to not have noticed any of these behaviours before now seems strange, and at the risk of inciting MN rage I would say such a lack of awareness, empathy and understanding of your own daughter, coupled with surprise at what clothes she’s brought and her sensory sensitivity about music and craving silence also sounds like OP might be ND.
Can she borrow any of your clothes OP? Can you go shopping or get something for her to feel more comfortable in? Presumably you’ll be leaving soon anyway but I’d just try to make the best of it - let her do what she wants, give her the peace and quiet she needs and try to be supportive rather than irritated. This is a learning experience for you both and you could still make it a positive one if you think about it differently.

thetinsoldier · 20/08/2026 06:30

RoseField1 · 18/08/2026 18:00

You must have known she was like that? Her personality can't be a surprise to you?

This…

ginasevern · 20/08/2026 11:34

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2026 20:24

I’m sorry I beat you to it lower down the thread!!

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Story of my life!

Original poster

Mumin40s · 20/08/2026 15:19

I already said I was aware of some things but age has magnified this.

When she was a CHILD we did CHILD RELATED ACTIVITIES. So it was less noticeable, because they were often things she wanted to do, tailored around her, the struggle now is we are doing adult things out of her comfort zone.

When she was a child she may choose slightly different clothing than another child but it wasn’t that noticeable. Everyone has their own little routines and preferences. When a child we didn’t eat in posh restaurants as often. I didn’t take her to lots of hot places.

Not all families go on 4 holidays a year, some families are lucky if they can afford a UK caravan break. I earn more now so can afford more than I did when she was little and we are having different experiences. I don’t know why this is so challenging for people to understand

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumin40s · 20/08/2026 15:27

@Festivfrenzy I really think this is ignorant and shows a real lack of life experiences that you cannot differentiate between being comfortable in a routine at home in your own house and being away in a hot strange country and being uncomfortable and out of your comfort zone. How does this relate to me having a lack of empathy? She’s always been a little quirky but it’s more pronounced now she’s older. News flash - children mature and grow into adults and people adapt over time. How my DD is in her 20’s is unlikely to be how she was at 12 is it?

Jesus Christ I think people just get a thrill out of being a bit of a knob here tbh and sticking a boot in

OP posts:

Goditsmemargaret · 20/08/2026 15:47

Monty36 · 18/08/2026 19:29

I got it from the OP’s post.
She talks about how she looks good, not a supermodel she concedes.
She takes no time at all to get ready but then explains further on how many hours her daughter does. But only to say it is pointless as any makeup comes off. She says it in a very disparaging way.

Then she goes into a grumble about her daughter’s appearance. How her skin is bad and this clearly has been talked about.
Mum complains daughter says it is hot. I expect it is. Mum complains she won’t go in the pool. Does mum go in the pool ? Mum complains she doesn’t like music on when they are getting ready.
Mum says she is zero fun.

That is where I got it from. Daughter’s confidence must be on the floor. But I suspect it might have been before they left for the holiday.

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Bur I got none of this from the OP. I got the impression of a woman who was genuinely confident and happy in her own skin..

This is me and has been me most of my life. I've been all sizes, I've been 'in shape' and definitely not and really I just don't care what other people may or may not be thinking about my body, that's their business.

When you genuinely feel like this it is hard to relate to people making nonstop fuss about their appearance and creating obstacles for themselves.

It's not a competition at all. Most of my life has been spent surrounded by women who arguably have 'better' bodies than me.

Wingingit73 · 20/08/2026 16:11

Book yourself on some excursions and leave her to it. Dont holiday together again. Probably nd but still dont have to sacrifice your joy for her.

category12 · 20/08/2026 16:33

It's a bit extreme to say never holiday together again.

This could be a learning curve for both. No reason they can't holiday together amiably with a reset of expectations.

Pigginbeautiful · 20/08/2026 17:28

Mumin40s · 19/08/2026 13:59

@TorroFerney look I said DD there is a dress code for the à la carte and I would like to eat there once. Just once. I sent her the link to it and the dress code. She wore baggy jeans and trainers. It’s 32 degrees. They did let us in but I was stressed they wouldn’t.

She’s in a bikini by the pool so I think she’s feeling a bit more confident. I actually feel sorry for her she looks great. I’ve had 2 kids and have more weight and wobble on me than she does, she’s a little size 8 I think she looks cracking but I appreciate girls can feel self conscious I just feel bad for her in that way.

We have had a better day, going home tomorrow

Alls well that ends well. Glad you both had a good last day.

ForeverTheOptomist · 20/08/2026 17:44

Mumin40s · 19/08/2026 06:50

Tbh I think that’s exactly how she sees it 😂
Slightly drunk, skimpy dressed, noisy embarrassing mum

I do let her do her make up for 2 hours. I don’t have any other choice. I don’t complain about it just my own secret eye roll when she complains the heat has made it all slide off. If I go out without her I think it makes her feel anxious but if she’s asleep then I do go.

She isn’t always particularly polite to me, it’s always been an issue she would come out of school and unleash all her rage on me, she can be like this with work too. I am her safe space so I can’t be that bad 😂 she doesn’t have many friends so I do think I’m probably the person she is closest to in the world and I love her

Look I’ve taken her on holiday of my own free will, I could have taken someone else, and I’m venting on mumsnet, not to her, I’m not telling her I think her outfit is weird or that she’s not much fun. I’m telling strangers.

Edited

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Next time go on your own! I'm just about to embark to half way around the world on my own. I'm terrified!! But - I'll report back.

Lentilcakes · 20/08/2026 17:50

Def not kids of today, my DD is nothing like this and is on the ADHD diagnosis pathway (although won’t see GP re bad skin - that’s up to her though at 24).

However, DD doesn’t like coming away w me as she says it’s stressful - so we don’t 😂 we get on well at home and for days out but being away is different. She and I are both anxious in different ways so it’s not a great combo.

Festivfrenzy · 20/08/2026 18:59

Mumin40s · 20/08/2026 15:27

@Festivfrenzy I really think this is ignorant and shows a real lack of life experiences that you cannot differentiate between being comfortable in a routine at home in your own house and being away in a hot strange country and being uncomfortable and out of your comfort zone. How does this relate to me having a lack of empathy? She’s always been a little quirky but it’s more pronounced now she’s older. News flash - children mature and grow into adults and people adapt over time. How my DD is in her 20’s is unlikely to be how she was at 12 is it?

Jesus Christ I think people just get a thrill out of being a bit of a knob here tbh and sticking a boot in

I just thought you lacked empathy and seemed surprised by how she was behaving/ feeling- I don’t think it’s putting the boot in or insulting you to suggest neurodivergence, it’s just opening up suggestions for you that might explain how both of you are feeling.
I’m glad you’ve had a better day today though and hopefully the experience has brought you together.

Billender · Yesterday 08:45

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Mloclam · Today 19:02

Not sure what I can add as a male who has never been on hols with a son. It wouldn't occur to me.

TheUsernameChecksOut · Today 19:16

A bit of expectation management here to be performed.

"This is my holiday and you've come with me. I'll be doing what I want, and when. Your an adult and you'll have to fill your own time".

I actually thought it would have been a nightmare because she was having her cheeks clapped every night