AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

Friday isn’t working so would changing swapping day work

sun evening for example so then they are in the right house for school thr next day

will mum go back to work so what will happen in 6/9mths time

One who has her own young child to consider.

What kind of mother is the ex who can’t be arsed to do the 20 minute trip twice a month or pay for a taxi or ask their step dad to pick them up?

I quite agree @Happyd.

What kind of mum wont pick up her own children and expects someone else to do it?

Imagine asking that when the reason it’s come up is because the mum doesn’t want to put herself out driving 20 minutes up the road twice a month.

What tit for tat? You need to account for capacity and the cost of that time. I work full time and my youngest is 4. Taking that time I have with her at the end of the week to ferry teens around so another woman who is their mum doesn’t have to… that’s a big cost personally, my 4yo gets little enough time with 2 big brothers and for myself I get pretty much none. Giving that up to be the bigger person is also to be the worse mum, and I’d say no to that without feeling bad for a moment.

Maybe I’m a soft touch but I’d do it. My own teenagers are those ages, and sure, they’re quite grown up and capable, but they also work hard at school and are knackered come Friday, they are full of emotions, and if they were in your step kids’ position they’d be struggling with a new baby and a change in family dynamics. As are you I’m sure - but you’re the adult and how you handle things is an example to them, and none of this situation is their fault. Setting boundaries can be a good thing, but so also can being the bigger person and being generous - for their sakes, not their mum’s. I’d be planning something nice to sweeten up the 4yo for the journey - find a nice play park or cafe near the ex’s house to take her to when you’ve dropped the step kids off maybe. You presumably have time alone with your 4yo all weekend if the step kids are at their mum’s, so in the greater scheme of things an hour or so driving (especially if you break it up a bit) isn’t the end of the world.

One that knows her boundaries, sticks to them, puts her own child first and knows her SC already have 2 fully grown adults to sort the problems out.

So in answer to your question - a good one

The teenagers are their mums biological children...their own mum won't put herself out once every 2 weeks to pick her own kids up.

In your own words....she won't put herself out twice a month to drive them 20 minutes up the road..what kind of mum is she?

It's not tit for tat, though? It's personal responsibility (imo anyway), which both the parents seem to lack in this scenario.

In your own words....she won't put herself out twice a month to drive them 20 minutes up the road.. what kind of mum is she?

There's nothing to say she "won't" she has asked if her ex can do it while her baby is small.. he has obviously agreed, but now wants OP to do it.

I actually think her DH is the one in the wrong here, he shouldn't have agreed to do it if he couldn't personally do it himself, but the SC mum isn't wrong to ask the question of her co-parent if she needs the extra bit of help temporarily.

It's not her fault he sees it as OPs job to do it.

I can see the issue from the ex's perspective, 5 pm is a shit time to put a baby in a car seat or a pram, they'll just scream the entire time. I've had the same issue with my 2nd and now 3rd child when picking up the older ones from the childminder.

That's not really your problem though, they (ex and partner) need to find an alternative solution. If she's on mat leave then I don't understand why she can't pick up earlier, particularly during the school holidays. That's what I do.
Or the kids can be asked to pack less stuff for a few months, it won't last that long.
Or, get them large travel backpack and they can walk with their stuff!

No, I dont think you are unreasonable to say no especially as it doesn't sound like a one off request. Do you talk to your husband's ex and is there a way you three can discuss this together reasonably to come up with a solution and a timeframe for that to work?

Surely the road works are not permanent and at some point the journey will go back to being 20 minutes each way which is a bit better than 40. The children are 13 and 16 has your husband spoken to them about what they're thoughts are about the future, what would they say about his worries they might not want to come to his house in the same pattern that they have been? I dont know how long the week about arrangement has been in place but often these are put in place when children are much younger and don't get much say about things but at 13 & 16 perhaps its time their parents did give them some choice, hard though it may be it shouldn't be all on the children to name the possibility that they dont always want that. I know I wouldn't want to live that schedule, parents sometimes have to be a little brave and open the conversation. These arrangements are usually put in place to ensure children have a relationship with each of their parents, but as they get older the amount of time spent at each household becomes less of a measure of the relationship and it moves into the quality of the relationship - that might mean more calls, texts, dinners, days out that physical counting of days in each home. Does your husband worry it doesn't have that type of relationship and the impact of not being at your house for a week will be really significant? If so maybe he needs to think about what type of relationship he wants when they are off wherever they want to be at 18 plus.

A new born won't remain a new born and if the children's mother's partner joins her household maybe she will have more child care support. So there may be a solution in a reasonable amount of time this is why talking it through could be helpful. I do think you are right to avoid being the solution to the driving dilemma and my thoughts are that there is a bigger conversation needed which is directly to do with the older children their mum and their dad.

Perfect.

Could DH change the day he works late? What would he do if he didn't have you?

Can't your DH just drop their stuff off later on in the car after he's finished work and your 4yo is in bed?

I've been in a similar situation with teenage DC between two houses. He gets himself to and from school with his school bag, the stuff gets ferried too-and-fro separately.

I don't think it's fair to the teenage DCs to make them lug all their stuff around when they go out with friends etc after school. That's an important part of being a teenager and their lives matter too.

I also think it's hard having a baby to take out at the wrong time, and that you should have time with your 4yo.

So separate the stuff from the kids. Someone drives it over later on when the younger children are asleep.

Your husband should just drop the stuff over to their house when he finishes work or the mum will just have to bring baby out. Do you feel mum is just taking advantage ? But not your money stand your ground

Yes. You are unreasonable. She just had a baby and is probably exhausted. I wouldn’t do it forever, but I’d certainly say I would be happy to do it until she’s in a routine and feels more comfortable bringing a newborn out.

Hardly 'newborn'

The baby was 2 months old at the start of the thread and we are talking about the Autumn Term.

Yes, when I had dc3, my dc1's friend's Mum offered to bring him back from school for a few days (as she was passing the door anyway), but not for 3 months.

Before you choose to have a 2nd, or 3rd child, perhaps you need to go into that decision with a slightly different mindset than 'I can't possibly collect my two other children twice a month and I am not willing to get my new partner to step up and support me'.

Even though there are lots of potential solutions, this really isn't the OP's problem to solve.

No, she isn't unreasonable. It's not her problem to solve.

The ex chose to have another baby knowing she had existing children she was responsible for getting about on their schedules, too. OP has a 4 year old of her own, and understandably doesn't want to cart her about at the end of a long week, stuck in her own car and carseat, for an extra 80 minutes a day (due to roadworks) because the ex doesn't want to.