AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

Could you please signpost us to the post where OP was posting on a Friday evening at pickup time?

Yanbu, a simple no that won't work for (you) from him to her, is all he needs to say. She's on maternity and you're still working, there's absolutely no reason she can't do it. Plenty of us with other children need to do that trip daily to get the other kids to school with a new baby.

I’d say no.
They are old enough to use public transport/walk.
Their mother will have to pick them up, or ask her partner to pick them up. Or ops dh can do it.

And yet there is apparently nothing better you could have spent your own time doing than following this post from the start.

My 4yo is asleep at the moment, so I hope you don't mind me posting.

their mother should pick them up
their noses will be put out of joint having a new baby for a start

DH, his ex and the kids need to sit down and make a new plan. Just because this is the way it’s always been done, doesn’t mean it has to stay this way. The kids are old enough to have a say and in a year or two one will be driving.

Really this is on the children’s mum to make it work, I get it’s a pain to take a baby out, but surely she doesn’t never go out?! Is it the current timing of collection that doesn’t work? Baby always awake at that time? In which case is there a time that works better?

Feel sorry for the children, being treated like an inconvenience by their Mum

As in working to FEED them, clothe them and keep a roof over their head?

It’s not for DH to sort something because his ex has had another baby. It’s her part of the arrangement that has an issue, it’s for her to sort out not pass the buck.

So it’s just once a week. Mums with babies and older kids have to get to school for drop off and pick up twice a day. I would just say no.

good point

I may have missed it, but as your DH works Saturday mornings, would it be possible to change handover to Sunday evening? Then the kids are in the right place for school on Monday but Dad is available to do the drop off?
I don't think it's fair to expect you to turn out with your child when Mum doesn't want to turn out with hers, but equally if Dad can facilitate this for a bit without it inconveniencing the older kids I'd be looking to do that.

This is a good point.

It’s once every 2 weeks that ExW needs to pick up her own kids. It’s not like she trying to fit it round her baby everyday. And where is the baby’s father in this, that he can’t watch his child for an hour once a fortnight?

I think the posters suggesting that the DC take public transport with a weeks worth of belongings are being a bit unfair. It’s not down to them that they are in this split-home situation, which must already be hard to deal with.

You win the internet today for the most moronic post 😁

Still waiting for OP to answer how the kids get to her house from school on a Friday?

She says she works so can't pick them up and we know DH is at work, because that is what is causing the issue. They've never been on bus in their lives.

So how do they get there?

I don’t think she said that they didn’t get the bus to her house. Just that buses from her house to their mum’s house involved going into and out of town.

ETA oh, she did say not been on a bus. Soz.

Glad you found it, but this is the part I don't get!

The reason they don't go to mums straight from school is because they bring so much stuff between the two houses that can't be taken to school, mainly things like gaming equipment, favourite clothes etc...

We also annoyingly aren't on the same bus route so a bus would mean getting it into another town and changing.

No one really moved away from anyone. They both lived in town X which is roughly in the middle of where they both are now, same as SCs school.

They do tend to get chauffeured a lot. I don't think they've ever been on a bus to be honest!

I work so I can't drop stuff off at school at 3:15pm.

So how are they getting home from school which is at least 10-20 minutes drive away? Something is not adding up here?

If the only reason they can't go to their mums straight from school is their stuff, then they could go straight to their mums and the stuff could be collected at the mums convenience? or dropped off at the dad's convenience?

But how do they get to OPs in the first place?

They don't get here from school, DH picks them up from their mum's on the Friday when his time starts.

I've said numerous times they both (H and ex) pick up at the start of their time.

Unless you mean how do they get home from school during the week when they are with us?

DH either picks up if he's here or they walk. They often go out with mates after school and end up back here about the same time we get home from work. Assume it's the same when with mum but I don't know.

The reason they get collected in the car when contact swaps over on a Friday is because of all their stuff they bring.

Hi @LarryParker

I think the PP took this as teens go to and from your house to school in their week with you, and then Mum gets them from your house after work on a Friday (pre baby)

Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

So the question was how do they get to and from school in the week with you?

Or is it only 50:50 in the holidays?

ETA - x-post!

They usually walk (or DH will collect from school if he's around).

But they don't have a load of stuff to carry during the week which is why contact swap days are difficult (and mums is further than school is from us).

Could you put them in an Uber?

No Ubers - only taxis - taxis too expensive