AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

Maybe the sperm donnor who created a child he can't properly take care off should be blamed for this mess? Why should the OP (who already has a lot in her plate) have to take care of this mans responsability? He has his own children apparently, well so does she...

Under the circumstances, I don't think I'd have an issue with this as long as it didn't set a precedent. If I was available on a Friday evening a 40 minute drive twice a month isn't really anything. I certainly wouldn't be happy sitting at home making the step kids take two busses just because of the principle of it. I'd probably combine it with doing something with the 4 year old seeing as her DH is working till late, so would not be beholden to a certain time.

If ex wanted it to be a permanent thing, which is probably where it is heading, I'd expect DH to come up with a better solution, like changing contact days.. they probably should do that anyway now.

Being a step mum doesn't mean having to inconvenience yourself just so that their actual mum doesn't have to inconvenience herself.

This isn't a favour for the children or something they need that mum genuinely cannot do and needs help with(in which case you'd expect the dad to help and step mum to pitch in if it was important/an emergency). This is just a woman who'd prefer not to put her baby in the car - that's not dad's problem to fix and def not step mums!

If the baby or mum was ill, then it would be right to help out on a temp basis but not indefinitely

Getting the bus home from school once a week when you are 13 or 16 doesn't sound like "poor kids" territory to me.
Many, many thousands of 11 - 18 yr old get the bus home from school every day (also younger ones in rural communities).

It's not the teens' fault that they live between two homes, so making them do an awkward bus journey or be without the things they want because they can't lug a games console on the bus, seems unfair to me.
Mum should just stop being a lazy cow and should pick up her kids.
When I had my first child I had to return to work when he was 2 months old. Mum is only having to put her baby in the car!

At those ages, can’t his kids make their own way?

Being a step mum doesn't mean having to inconvenience yourself just so that their actual mum doesn't have to inconvenience herself.

I agree @Aiming4Optimistic but a lot of MN won't (having the temerity to be a step mum is a sin).

Absolutely @Aiming4Optimistic

This is just a woman who doesn’t want to do a thing and wants someone else to do it for her. If her leg was broken or her car was being repaired, different matter, but this is a want not a need.

Plus popping a baby in a car for an hour or so round trip through roadworks is probably easier than putting a four year old in the car for the same.

We don't know that it is "an awkward bus journey" at all.

My thinking is that their Mum could come and collect their stuff (if it really needs to be transported) at a time that suits her and the baby better, rather than it having to be at a time she finds inconvenient. The teens can just go home directly on the bus, without lugging half the contents of their rooms with them which seems an odd way to do things anyway, as an aside

OP says they'd have to take 2 buses. That sounds awkward to me @JustGiveMeReason. Would take longer than their mum just picking them up, like she's supposed to.

Their are four parents the additional parent is a Bio father of the new baby.

Agreed. But the whole thing of their parents not making the effort to take them from one house to another will make them feel like parcels. Not saying the OP should do it. Just empathising with the DC having been a passed from pillar to post kid myself. That unwanted, uncared for feeling never leaves you.

OP says they'd have to take 2 buses.

I read that as they had to take 2 buses / have an awkward journey if they came to OP's house first, rather than if they went directly from school ?
Either way, it really isn't a big deal to have to change buses on one mid-afternoon journey once a fortnight.

I was just responding to the "poor kids" comment being put about them having to get a bus once a fortnight. Let's get it in perspective.
I still think it sounds like it might make sense to swap the changeover day, but they have so many options, including their Mum actually not making her dc feel pushed out by not being able to do anything for them because she now has a new baby.

This really needs to be for their Mum to sort out one of the many alternatives and not the OP and her 4 yr old.

To be fair to the mum of the teens, she may well have no idea that her exH has asked OP!

Either DH drops them off after he gets home from work or they get themselves to Mums from school (or she picks them up) and their belongings get picked up/ dropped off when someone is passing?

You might be right @JustGiveMeReason

I do think the kids will feel a bit pushed out if mum makes them travel on the bus instead of getting them from their dad's. Even in non blended families, the arrival of a new baby has to be handled carefully.

Life isn't always fair. Perhaps you could help your husband's ex out every now and again, particularly given that she has such a young baby? It wouldn't be the end of the world to say do alternate visits and do the lift once a month each would it?

But OP doesn’t want to. And she’s told her husband so it’s done now.

So you think OP should dance attendance on the ex simply because she’s chosen to have another child? Do you think the ex would be likely to do the same thing for OP if the tables were turned? Personally I doubt it. Having another baby was her choice, and it’s on her to sort the practicalities. I think she’s got a cheek asking OP to do this.

It sounds like your DH needs to work something out with his employer because his kids are his responsibility he seems to want all the women to work around his schedule. Is he actually spending that much time with his children when they're with him or is he just off doing other things

@ruethewhirl she hasn’t asked OP, she has asked her ex, the father of the teens.

Did you read my posts at all before you spouted this nonsense?

DH and his ex do one pick up each, he picks up at the start of his week and ex picks up at the start of hers. How is that him expecting all the women to dance around him? He does exactly the same as his ex does, one week with the kids and one pick up. She's the one wanting to drop her pick up, not him.

I’ve followed this post from the start and can only add that this has rumbled on at times you should be spending with your 4 year old, you could easily have done that trip there and back in the time you’ve been on your phone.

What a ridiculous thing to say! The OP obviously hasn’t been on her phone continuously the whole time - she’s made a handful of posts, most of which would have probably been after the 4 year olds bed time and the rest probably while the 4 year old was happily playing. Thats very different to loading the child in the car and driving continuously for at least 40min