AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

Relying on collecting/fetching from the other parent is a recipe for problems. Better to set in place ways that the kids move themselves, such as being collected from school or other activity.

. Wrong thread

If they are not happy with arrangements they can suggest alternatives which don’t involve the OP changing her own work and childcare arrangements.

This! She can't unilaterally decide that the OP needs to do driving she doesn't want to. Yes it's a hassle, but she's chosen to have three kids so ferrying kids around is part of that.

Yeah...their mum sticking to the original plan.

So definitely not your problem but options available-
go back Thursday
go back Saturday
change the day for handover to a more convenient one
taxi
bus

Suck it up buttercup.
You are with a man who has children. As long as there isn't a huge backstory involving CFery and nastiness then just do them both a favour and drop the kids to hers..

Why should she?
OP and her DH have kept their side of the deal. It’s the ex that’s had another child and now doesn’t want to do her half of the pick ups.
Its not the OP’s responsibility to “suck it up”

Absolutely this! I don't understand why the OP's DH doesn't get this! Or maybe he does ...... and like a lot of men, prefers to keep the first wife happy at the expense of the second.

This is what I was going to suggest.

They go home from school to their mum's and then their dad drops their belongings around later when he's back from work.

That's a good idea

You have 3 irresponsable adults who should be taking care of this problem (because it's THEIR problem not yours). Your husbands ex shouldn't be having more children if she can't take proper care of her actual kids, her partner (the baby of the child)... where is he? Why is he not taking care of HIS family? As per your husband ... so he's working long hours... but so are you plus you have a child. I would tell these irresponsable bunch to take care of their OWN problems. It's one thing to pick up his kids on an emergency situation (and thats ok) but having you as a free nanny is not, specially if you work and have a child.

But why should he add an extra 40 minute round trip onto his already late finish work day, when he is perfectly happy with and unholding his side of the current arrangement?

This is the mum's problem to sort out. Not have op, kids or the dad inconvenienced.

Sounds like mum wants to lessen her own workload by passing it onto everyone else, when it isn't their responsibility. They do their fair share already

Yes, he and his ex have children. The ex seems to have moved the goal posts. The parents need to sort it. Absolutely no ‘sucking up’ to be done! How on earth these things always seem to end up being the step parents responsibility is beyond me.

They live 20 minutes apart, I don’t think anyone moved away from anyone. I’m thinking of moving house in the same area and will likely end up 20 mins from my house and using the same supermarket, train station, town centre etc that I do now.

Taxi surely is the easiest solution - even if it’s expensive it’s one trip every two weeks and maybe the two families can share the cost in the best interest of the children. It will be for a limited time until the baby is older and more manageable for car journeys.

I sympathise with the ex to some extent being in the trenches with a 2mo who perhaps hates the car the way mine did, so I would do anything not to drive.

YANBU but I think your partner should be stepping up while she’s got such a small baby. Either he finishes earlier or he drops them off later.

If you are at work, DH is at work, How do they get from school to your house to then wait and be picked up by their mum usually?

In fairness, the 'easiest' solution is for you to take them home, you are at home on a Friday evening with a 4 year old, your DH is at work and the ex has a small baby, so I can see why it has been floated, but it doesn't mean you have to do it.

I think I would if it was for a limited time, but it's a risky precedent to set, you are better to say no to stop it becoming a permanent thing .. but it doesn't sound like the current setup is working, he finishes early one friday and works late the next .. why not just do the handover on a Saturday afternoon or Sunday instead? He doesn't ever get to see them on the last day of their visit anyway, because they leave while he is at work.. so it's not the best solution as it is anyway!

This is never going to become more convenient for her now she has a baby, so it's time to change things up!

Why should he step up because his ex has had a baby with her new partner? Its not his baby!

"Sounds like mum wants to lessen her own workload by passing it onto everyone else, when it isn't their responsibility. They do their fair share already."

Of course she does and why wouldn't she? Why shouldn't she? She's got a newborn, fgs. 🤦‍♀️

The dad needs to be decent and work put how to get their two daughter's back home to help out his ExW.
I wonder how the girls are feeling? What about staying with OP and their dad a bit more for a while?

The reality is that babies are going to have to make 20 minute car journeys. This is family life. My 2nd did a 20 minute car journey twice a day 5 days a week for the school run!

Mum is presumably on mat leave and not working. She can make that drive at any time. She needs to time it with baby’s sleep and feeding schedule. Come at 3:30 right when they finish school so it’s not late. Or come collect them first thing Friday morning, all their stuff can go in the car and she drops them to school.

I know I am driving my teen around to friends and sports training and her job up to 9:30pm several nights a week. That baby is going to need to slot into family life with 2 teenagers, not the other way around.

I think some of these replies have been really unkind, and OP you sound not very nice , these children have been in your life since they were young I’m guessing as you have a 4 year old, and you have show no care towards them at all , its 2 nights out of a month , you and your husband are a team and his children are part of that ,, I hope your husband takes a good hard look at want kind of women you are

Seriously??

It’s up to mum and dad to come up with a new system.

The obvious one is changing pick up /drop off day or time so both are available for driving as neither will pay for a taxi which is the other obvious solution. Mum isn’t unreasonable to ask for a change because of the baby but it shouldn’t be for OP to sort because she has her own child to sort in the evenings too.

When I had 4 year olds, they were eating dinner at 5:30pm and tired from the school day so at high risk of dozing in the car and not wanting to sleep later. Doesn’t the 4 year old matter?

The kids are quite old so there are lots of compromises that can be made here like a change of day or pick up time.