AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

How about the ex's new partner who is also the FATHER of the newborn, get his arse moving and help out the mother of HIS baby and either do the pick up for her, or go to her place to look after HIS baby so his partner can do the pick-up.

Ex chose to have a baby with a new partner she doesn't live with, it's up to her to sort it out.

Where do you pull this fantasy from?
Here goes: "You sound not very nice". How? what did the OP say?
"I'm guessing" ..Yes you are, stop making shit up.

Oh, dear. 🤦‍♀️

This. Why are these teens being babied and driven around when most teens get the bus? Suggest the bus to her or she pays for an Uber if she wants the convenience of not going out with her baby to collect them.

Batshit response. There is literally nothing suggesting the op isn’t very nice.. Jeezo

@echt she had said in her opening OP she can’t be bothered , She knew her husband had two children when she got with him and I stick by what I’ve said she sounds selfish. I bet she didn’t have to get in a car when her baby was little.

I’d also ask why she can’t leave the baby with her partner for an hour or two, or why her partner can’t be asked. She is the one changing the routine

But OP hasn’t broken up with her partner and had a baby with someone different?

I would argue that the mum of the baby has made those choices (as has her ex) and therefore they shouldn’t rely on OP to sort it out.

I must have missed the memo that your existing responsibilities towards your older children disappear once you have a baby, as I had to continue to do the day to day routine for my older child when I had my newborn, including having to put the baby in the car and drive round to collect/drop them off places.

Any parent with an older child and a baby sometimes has to put the baby in the car at a non-ideal time to collect the older child from something. This is once a fortnight not every day!

I would suggest you have two options

1. An Uber twice a month for a 20 minute journey is not going to break the bank
2. changeover point moved to Sunday evening- around 7 pm.

Poor kids.

You literally have no idea what else does for her SDC or what kind of relationship she has with them.

And your last statement is ridiculous. The ex needs to put the baby in a car seat once a fortnight, not take it to war in a fighter yet.

There is no need for anyone to be getting in a car to drive these children around. They can get themselves to where they need to be, albeit maybe not by the fastest route. Neither of the younger kids (baby or 4yo) should be being disturbed or put out of routine to collect a 13yo and 16yo when there are other options available.

If the kids have so much stuff when transferring between home that they need a car to transport it, then that's what needs to be looked at as surely the 50/50 set-up isn't working very well in that instance. They should be able to slot easily in and out of both homes rather than feeling like they're moving house every week!

I would bet money that things changed short term when OP had a newborn 4 years ago.
They had time to bond.
Was ex helpful then?
Another comment OP made, they won’t want to visit as they get older. I find that strange when they apparently live there 50/50.
I doubt I’ll get a man answer from OP?

You seem very sure as a family they’ll be able to afford driving lessons, a car and insurance for a 17 year old!

Why can’t their actual mother suck it up buttercup? She also had another kid with someone who had kids, she also needs to get on with it.

Errr... this isn't about bonding time - and there's been no intimation that the older kids paused the 50/50 after OP's DC was born.

This is about convenience - the person with the newborn would prefer to have her older kids dropped off than to put the baby in the car to go and get them.

I sympathise with the sentiment - if anyone offered to drop my older one home from nursery when my younger was a baby, I leapt on it gratefully - but let's not pretend that the exW can't bond with her baby because once a fortnight they get into a car for a bit together to collect the older kids.

You might have missed it. The baby's father (exes partner) doesnt live with the ex. He lives some distance away to be near his kids from a previous relationship.

So the ex had a baby with someone she doesn't even live with knowing.He's quite a distance away and caring for his previous children.

Why she had a baby under those circumstances is beyond me.

It would be nice if there was a compromise between the 3 parents, build a relationship, I understand that it is rare for step parents and the ex parent to help each other out, the older girls could bring their little 4 year old brother to their mothers home when he gets a bit older, instead of closing ranks with no compromise, building.a relationship would be nice.

Your DC will wonder who his sisters mother is? The new baby will wonder too, who the sisters dad is, as they get older. The very few people who manage to keep it clean have a good set up.

Why she had a baby under those circumstances is beyond me.
At least he stayed close to his DC to parent them, didn’t move on with the new family and make his children do 50/50 with a new baby and step mother whose interest is her own child obviously. Not great on second child, but loyal in other ways.

It is beyond me why anyone goes on to have a second or third family when it means their first children are in limbo, when both parents do it, it’s just ridiculous to create more half siblings.

Why are these teens being babied and driven around when most teens get the bus?

Well this probably needs a thread all of its own, but in many cases step children are completely infantilised by the visiting rota and travel arrangements - its set up when they're young, gets set in stone, and one day someone will notice its no longer age-appropriate, but it can't be changed "because that's what we've always done."

It’s also positioned to the children (well-intentioned) as - look how many people love and care for you, look at all the running around we do for you. So when you look to reduce or change this slightly years later, it’s seen as a reduction in love and/or interest, and blamed on there being new siblings etc, when this would be a normal part of developing independence in nuclear teen families.

Thinking on this further, it would be easiest if the kids got the bus both ways - they don’t need all their stuff in both houses get them to choose which they want at each house and they can just get the bus off all change overs.

Yes - in a together family, life often changes slightly when a new sibling arrives, there may be changes with bedroom allocations, there could be a little less money to go round, changes of routine etc.

But if anyone suggests changes to the routines of step children, then everyone throws their hands up in horror and says they are being pushed out by the new baby.

Blended families have some very unhealthy dynamics.