AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

[LarryParker]

Husband shares custody with his ex of their two children (13 and 16). They have always worked this where he collects them from hers at the start of his time and she collects them from ours at the start of hers. We live what should be about a 20 min drive from each other.

My husband works longer hours on the day that their mum collects them from ours to cover the time he works slightly shorter hours while they are here. Meaning they usually get home from school (obviously not at the moment) and wait for their mum to get here on her way home from work, usually about half 5ish.

Husband's ex had a baby 2 months ago and she has said she wants DH to drop the kids off with her now so she doesn't have to keep bringing baby out to get them. He is working until later that day so wants me to do it.

I've said no. AIBU?

For context around my no .. I work full time, have a young child of my own who I want to get home and spend time with before it's bath and bed and am just tired and admittedly can't be bothered with another trip out in the opposite direction when I get home. There are also roadworks going on a lot round us at the moment so what should be a 20 min drive each way can sometimes take 40+ minutes.

AIBU to say if DH can't do the drop back to mums then his ex will just have to bring the baby out to do them? Her partner doesn't live with her, although I believe he is moving in at some point when they find a bigger house in case anyone wonders why he isn't being asked.

That is still putting the responsibility of getting their stuff to them, on the OP's dh.

Only if he volunteers for it, which he seems to have done .. his ex has asked him to help her out, it's up to him if he wants to or not, letting the kids go there themselves after school (which they would do anyway during her time) and just arranging to get the stuff separately is a much easier way of arranging things, and it means she may be able to make the trip herself because she isn't limited to a certain day or time, if they want the stuff at their mums house, she will have to find a way to make that happen.

My point is, OP is talking like her taking them on a Friday night is the only logical way to do it, when in fact there are lots of ways of sorting this out that doesn't involve OP at all, her DH should not be transferring responsibility on to her at all.

Surely the most logical move then is they dont bring so much with them. Each parent has what they need at each house and anything that isnt duplicated well tough.

OP has explained that it is about them having their games saved at the correct places - which is an important part of their social life with friends, if my teens are anything to go by.

A lot of the stuff they are taking back and forth was actually bought by DH. I don't have anything against them having one at each house but I think it's to do with saved games on a particular console / computer. I don't really know. I don't know if mum can afford to buy replacements for her house as well, no idea of her financial situation really.

They live equally at both houses and it's not really a "well, tough" thing to say they can only have certain things at one place. DH is not irrational to think that, if more of the things they love are in one home, they will gravitate to spending more time in that home. (He shouldn't then try and make this OP's problem, but that's not my point)

I'm not here to shoot other options down, I have absolutely no problem with them arranging a bus, taxi, different day, picking up stuff later on or any other option, that's for H and his ex to decide. My AIBU was simply asking if I was unreasonable for saying I wouldn't do the trip on a Friday evening as I'd been asked.

I've just explained the reasoning why DH and ex have collected up until this point.

Exactly. You say that doesn't work for me and make yourself completely unavailable until they both get it

I stand corrected, I misremembered what OP had said. But now he's asked her to do it, and she shouldn't be in this position.

Presumably she’s on maternity and if it’s her 3rd child she’ll know disturbing a “routine” isn’t an issue.

Also presumably she has a partner so they can stay with the baby while she comes out.

It’s for her to find a solution her end.

Agree with the first

Re the second, OP has said exW is not currently living with the father of the baby.

I'm not asking OP to dance at all. I'm merely saying that sometimes it's actually quite nice to do something for somebody and take the bitterness out of life. All this tit for tat crap is doing my head in. What goes around comes around.

What “tit for tat crap”?

OP wants to spend the evening after work chilling with her four year old, who will be well aware that Mummy is there doing nice things with her. The exW spends all day with her baby and doesn’t want to hop in a car for an hour or so once a fortnight.

It's not about tit for tat imo, it's about realistic versus unrealistic expectations.

Well, I don’t think it was unreasonable for exW to ask the children’s dad if this would be possible and I don’t think it was unreasonable for their dad to ask her.

The only thing that would be unreasonable would be if either pushed back against her no, and there’s no indication that they have. So I don’t think she’s been put in any position, really.

Perhaps OP helping out this lady once a month would teach her child that positive actions are the kind thing to do.

Completely agree. The ex-wife has a baby to contend with, I would extend a bit of kindness here. Should OP "have to"? Not at all. As is so often parroted here on MN, "not her circus..." etc. But I would do it. It won't be forgotten.

Will no one “extend a bit of kindness” to the four year old missing out on quality time with her mum, which is time constrained to after work and school/nursery?

Anyway, no one is going to change their minds, so I will leave it there. Perhaps the BeKinds should message OP to see if they live close enough to do these lifts themselves,

She collects them herself or they stop lugging so much stuff about. I wouldn’t do it. TBH, I don’t think your DH should either. She is responsible for navigating the changes in her life.

It’s a 20 min drive , twice a month, and why is one child more important then another

Because the baby isnt op’s child

20 mins each way, currently extended to up to. 40mins each way with roadworks,

That’s quite a big chunk of the after work time for the four year old and OP, but a smaller chunk of the baby’s day with the exW.

All the “it’s twice a month” arguments apply to the exW. And, as others have proposed, if it happens that pick up time is an especially bad time for the baby, timings could be moved.

Feel free to offer your “kind” services driving the teens if you happen to be local.

Hiding the thread now.

and?

So: OP has a 4 yr old and works full time.

ExW has had a baby, and doesn’t want to put baby in the car once a fortnight to collect her own kids. (Why?).
So it has been suggested OP puts her 4 yr old in the car every 2 weeks to collect take the kids to their own mother instead.

Is Ex W even working? Does she never take the baby anywhere in the car? What’s her problem? Taking a baby in a car anywhere is not unusual.

Why should OP have to put her 4 year old in the car after a day’s work to take the kids? Is the car journey more comfortable, easy and peaceful with and for a 4 year old than a baby?

Who is responsible ultimately? If I change my life in some way, I have to be responsible. I see no reason why OP should get involved with this. It’s not a big deal for the mother to put her baby in the car to collect her kids. Plenty of parents do this as part of a school run, but also have a baby.

The compromise is that the teens don’t take so much stuff, so that they don’t need a lift. But this change will be because of their mother’s choices. Crikey, it’s twice a week, and all the mother has to do is put baby in the car.

I think it's twice a month, not twice a week!

Ah yes, so what is mum’s problem putting baby in the car then? Strange, it’s her responsibility.

No but the Teenagers are her stepchildren.. and if you won’t put herself out twice a month to drive them 20 minutes up the road what kind of step Mum is she?