To tell DS it's up to him now.

[hotsocks27]

Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

If DH thinks DS needs help, why doesn't he help him?

Have you said to DH:
'Part of the reason we are in this mess is because i've been doing things for him in order to keep you calm, so he's never learnt to do it himself. Your anxiety has led me to making the wrong decisions for our son, I can see that now, so you need to stop it, FOR HIM'

Your husband needs to learn to parent. Bit late now, mind you...
I would be tempted to step right back, although I also have an example of my 21 y/o cousin who does bugger all and lives on full board provided by his parents since his mum took a similar approach and his dad didn't pick up the parenting slack. So I really don't know what's the best option here.

Sorry not the point of the thread but stress farting? Was that a typo or is DH farting constantly from stress?

anyway YANBU and I firmly believe we don’t help kids by doing everything for them. DS needs to begin to take responsibility for his own life as he is entering into adulthood. Obviously you can support him but as you’ve found out, doing the heavy lifting for him isn’t going to work.

Stress farting? LTB, the dirty pig.

Is your husband scared of his son? Why the hell isn’t he talking to him himself?!

Go out, leave them to it. Let dh stress, let ds stress. Dh can tell me and speak to him and help him.

Omg I’ve just just a hard laugh eating my food 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Degree apprenticeships are not an easy option, they require a lot of consistent hard work and self motivation. If your DS can't even put effort into applying himself it doesn't bode well.

YANBU to take a step back, if DH isn't happy then I'd suggest he communicates directly with his son and stop making you default go between.

Stress farting, the new snapped and farted

Is stress farted like snapped and farted?

Jinx!

I’m sure the OP is really glad she posted

@hotsocks27 i think it’s fine to take a step back. I think it’s very human to want someone to take things out on when bitterly disappointed and unfortunately mothers are in the firing line.

I think my own mum was very much inclined to take over - it came from a good place but made me resist doing things as I was in conflict with her rather than self motivated if that makes sense! I’m sure it will come good

Stress farting??? Is that like angry farting?XH used to do that to piss me off cos I found it so gross.Would walk past me and blast,espesh if I was sitting down...but I digress🤣

Let your son deal with it.Stay out of both their ways till they grow up.

It's awful isnt it? I get stress farts myself but wouldn't do them in company. Clearly OP's DH has no bloody decorum! Worse manners than Madge from Benidorm.

Oooh could it be stress snoring? Stress baking? Stress shaving?

Sorry Op. Not laughing at you. I have young adult boys, a bit older than yours, but they still drove me mad. I think you’re right to step back a bit. It’s so difficult, it’s tough for young people I know, but they do need to help themselves.

I don't know but I could have written your post:

Disorganised quite lazy ds (end of Y12). (recent adhd diagnosis but seems to think this is a general get out clause)

Me trying to support / help / be the safe space by 'helping ' ds but not giving him chance to fail

Dh mega stressed out by ds and causing rift between us as dh hugely and would say becoming disproportionatly stressed about by ds which need to try and stand up for ds at times and makes me really dislike dh at times

Actually getting to point I dont want to be at home.

Watching with lots of interest as can only sympathise which is't much use.

I think stress farting might be a metaphor but am sure op will clarify.
look at it this way - you have been a brilliant parent who has done everything possible to put your child on the right track. At the moment it feels like that hasn’t paid off because he is immature and dh is stress farting. But it may well do long term. Now is the time to be clear to dh that you are not doing any more and that it’s up to ds now to stand on his own two feet. You have done your bit, and if dh disagrees with the approach - over to him.

I think you've done enough. DH can intervene if he feels strongly enough. Maybe wait for the outcome of the paper before worrying too much.

I love that you're asking if its the same farting your ex used to do! These bloody men need locking in a room together so they stress fart to their hearts content. Bloody mingers!

Just hope he doesnt follow through, OP!

Time for you to go away for a few days and leave them to it. You need a break and they can stew in their own juices for a while.

More seriously, yes, you should step back
He is now an adult. You can encourage and advise but ultimately he needs to find a role, do the application, be interviewed and get the job in order to have a good chance at being successful in the role.

You need to agree a framework as you now live with your adult son who is no longer in school.

1. Financial arrangements - are you giving him an allowance? He needs an incentive to go and get a job, any job, so don't fund him to a comfortable lifestyle.
2. House rules - be that always double lock the door, no visitors after 10pm, whatever
3. Chores. He is an adult member of the household so agree what those are

Your husband needs to take his anxiety somewhere else.

You got to let the stress farts out though, otherwise they result in belly ache but that's why there are bathrooms.

Gosh, I love a bit of toilet humour.

Stress Farting 🤣
That is disgusting.
I'm glad I no longer live with a man.