To tell DS it's up to him now.

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Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

I’m guessing he does not act like this at work so he obviously knows how to control his emotions and has had to manage staff so why is supporting his son so difficult for him?

🤣🤣🤣 my 5 year old son sometimes does a tiny fart when he laughs a lot but it’s cute I promise 🤣

I think most parents of 18 year olds would be happy to proof read an important application. My DC definitely asked me to do that sort of thing.
However it's not essential and it should be something they ask for rather than the parent insisting.
Fingers crossed he did a good job of it OP.

I would still cut a bit of slack as he only got his results a few days ago.
Plan a time for you all to discuss his plans, what he needs help with and what he doesn't.

He should start looking for at least temporary work until he succeeds in getting an apprenticeship. I'm assuming this is a regular apprenticeship not a degree apprenticeship as another poster said. Degree apprenticeships require a lot more dedication than either a normal degree or an apprenticeship because of the study requirements.

Honestly, it has been a horrible, stressful few days having to deal with all ds's plans going down the toilet and all of us knowing that it is because ds just did not work hard enough. He was warned. He was given all the support he could need. And he mucked it up. Even the calmest of people is allowed to have their emotions get the better of them sometimes.

Sounds like your DH is also a control freak and your job is to manage the family to the standards he wishes to impose.

You are telling your DS what to do to manage your DHs emotions. That’s not on - you have a DH not a DS problem. I had a dad like this - all walking on egg shells because he’d go berserk if he decided we’d done something wrong to upset him. We could never guess what the something was as it was always something different. At 18 your DS is perfectly capable to apply for jobs - my DS is the same age and has just got a work permit and a job overseas for his year out and I never saw any of the paperwork. Your DH will never reach a point he considers your DS capable of doing anything right and you are enabling this nonsense.

Good grief - stress farting and nearly in tears.

Your dh needs to get himself to his GP for his anxiety.

That's actually a good thing.

☠️Stress farting.

On the learning to drive issue, I have some sympathy with your DS. If you're someone who doesn't take naturally to driving, I think it's very easy to get into the mentality of, "I just don't have what it takes and will never pass." So I would make sure you set aside time for regular driving practice and make sure you give your DS praise when he does OK. I'd also try to get him to book another driving test (-easier said than done if your area is anything like mine). I would offer to pay for the test to avoid your DS delaying it for financial reasons. There are so many more job opportunities available if you can drive, so I would keep pushing on that front.

someone needs to explain slowly to your dh that ds is not him

Credit to you for spotting what has been going on and doing something about it. And because you have, DS has done something for himself, and things can start to change. It may or may not be a great application, but when he gets an apprenticeship or job he will not be taking you or Chat CPT with him, so best his application represents him.

Your husband's constant pressure on you (and DS) sounds unbearable. You must be completely exhausted. He is trying to manage his anxiety and stress through you, and his behaviour cannot be good for your relationship. In your position I would hugely resent DH constantly stating things need to be done, but expecting me to do all of them. Particularly when as you now say, they are not things either of you should be doing.

Thunderstorm's advice above is good: he needs to hear this and change how he acts towards you and DS and if necessary, see professional help for his anxiety rather than projecting constantly onto you.

Sounds so stressful. Good that your DS has cracked on an got his application in. Okay it hasn't been proofread by you or DH and it may not be the quality you would want it but he's done it independently and that is great. Your DH sounds like he is being a nightmare and needs to get his anxiety under control. All you can do for your DS is make sure he knows the offer for help is there. It's such a hard balance. The instinct is to wade in, but I think you need to do more of a background hover. Good luck with it.

I've done all that. Test is booked. I am taking him out multiple times a week. I am doing all the work. That's the problem.

Immature/struggling fathers seem to be the common denominator.

It’s worrying if this is common. They sound utterly clueless, over emotional and pathetic. Brilliant role models to their sons and excellent husbands leaving the heavy mental and emotional lifting to their partners.

I think the approach demonstrated here - that a parent should be checking over an 18 year old's application for anything - is part of why you are in this mess. I agree that your husband's anxiety has pushed you into a role that has enabled your child to do little for himself, but ultimately you didn't have to either. This is time for some tough love IMO.

Your poor son with all the pressure you put on him you are basicly telling him hes a failure, leave him to it but tell him he must get a job, its his life and not up to his parents to dictate to him and your husband sounds horrible

So hard. I am in a similar trap with prompting DC. I think everyone needs to calm down. Take a breather for a few days? Then DC makes a plan

To be honest, OP, if I were you I'd be coming up with a reason to go away by yourself for a few days. Leave DH and DS to sort their own various issues out while you step aside. DH can stop being a melodramatic diva, DS can manage up and try things on his own (sounds like he's making a good start) and you get to clear your head if drama you haven't caused.

And escape the stress flatulence, obviously.

So how does he think DS will cope in an actual job? No employer is going to let him bring a parent to work to 'fix' his mistakes.

Agree you need to step back. It’s so hard isn’t it - especially when you do know best but with a lot of things they do have to work it out for themselves.

And I sympathise with the DH problem - mine can be similar - lots of ‘DS need to do cuz’ but with a form expectation that I’m passing that on or doing the hard yards. I no longer do it. I offer DS help if he wants it with applications or his tax return but you age t o gradually step back and let them live their lives - even if they’re making mistakes and not doing stuff the way you would.

He's worried that ds won't cope, unless he learns to follow instructions and ask for help. That's part of the problem.

You have to leave them to it. Sometimes they just need time to work out what they want to do. Get him earning, it doesn’t have to be a “forever” job, just an “isn’t it nice to have your own money” type of job.
College and careers can come with time. Like I say to DD, they don’t have guards on the front doors of Universities stopping people over 21 from coming in.

Is your son also having lessons with a professional instructor? Could you offer to up the number of lessons with the instructor in order to give you some time back? To be honest it doesn't sound like it would be a great idea for your DH to take your son out driving. That sounds like a recipe for more stress and angst for the whole family!

he's never given him any responsibility has he? so now this is the result

It’s still very raw and he’s awaiting a remark.
I’d probably let dust settle and have a family meeting.
Be clear he’s an adult. You aren’t being piggy in middle. You are willing to help eg proof read applications if he asks. DH is not to ask you what DS is doing or implore you to investigate I’d have a stock response to shut it down eg no clue, maybe his dad could ask him.
I’d be clear with DS that if he’s looking for a job he needs to be doing that. So sign on and then will have pressure of needing to comply with job centre. Apply for everything. Any job is better than nothing. There’s agencies for warehouse work and apps like stint. I’d expect him to be asking on local facebook and asking in local businesses.
I’d still take him driving as passing test is helpful.
I’d want him volunteering too for cv.
If there’s any chance of some type of disability or special needs - Es in A levels and failing driving test 3 times as an 18 yr old lad suggests possibly more than just lazy and I’d encourage him to seek help if he feels there may be something like ADHD or dyspraxia. He may of course just be bone idle.
I’d be clear there’s no free ride and if he’s expecting to live at home and be financially supported then he needs to contribute to household eg chores, cooking twice a week etc.