To tell DS it's up to him now.

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Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

Ive never heard of stress farting 🤣🤣🤣
Isn't it just farting?

WRT driving - he's already failed. So he doesn't think he can do it. I'd take the pressure off, unless him learning to drive is absolutely non-negotiable at the moment (you live somewhere very very rural with no transport and he needs to drive to get a job of any kind). There's nothing like people telling you you HAVE to pass/qualify etc when you've already failed once for making you think that passing is beyond you. Can you make driving more fun? Get him to drive to a Costa and sit and have a coffee in the car.

(Been through this already, both for myself and for more than one of my kids).

I would like him to be proactive about it and say can we go a drive rather than waiting for me to suggest it.

Your DH sounds like the sort of person who wants everyone to do independently, but only if they are doing it 'his way'? Doesn't sound like DS can win or do anything right!

That's what we do as part of our driving practice routine. I'm aware the number of fails means it's now become a thing. 😐

The son thing will work out.

Your husband is a twat though, that probably won’t improve.

This is more common than you realise.
Fast forward 10 years and I expect your son will be doing just fine.
lets be honest, he will be feeling a failure right now and will be wondering if it’s all worth it.
You are feeling exhausted and very down hearted. Understandable. Take some deep breaths and give yourself a few days. Then get back to what you are obviously good at. Be there for him, support and encourage him.
I promise that it will all turn out ok x

As DC1 has a diagnosis it’d be worth reflecting on whether DC2 might also have a condition and be affected differently.

Driving seems less important than what happens next as regards study and / or seeking paid work, unless you live somewhere with no public transport.

A 2 mark increase is definitely not entirely unlikely, so don't give up on that. It might be that the remark finds those 2 marks...

Your DS should probably ask GP for an ADHD referral. Sorry to say that if he needs a lot of 'scaffolding' then he is likely to continue to need this, and actually things sometimes get worse before they get better once the structure of school is removed and the YP is either at university or the world of work. Just stepping back won't solve it. However, investigating a diagnosis might provide your DS with appropriate help and adjustments to be successful with less scaffolding.

How is it helpful to you if your son suggests going for a drive and it's not at a convenient time? I think it's more sensible for the parent to suggest the time, and unless you've said to him, I'm not going to ask you, I'd like you to ask me, how is he supposed to know what you want him to do?

This is all about your husband stressing you out, that's making you feel overloaded. Your son sounds fine, he tried 3 times to pass, he tried for a higher level apprenticeship even though he didn't get it, he's now applied for another one in the face of failure, I don't think he's doing too much wrong, and over time you can support him towards further independence. Today, he's been independent, and you and his dad don't like it.

You want your husband to stop stressing you out and that's between you and him.

I’d definitely not step back re the review of marking. I’d be going over those papers with a fine tooth comb. Not unheard of for a question not to be added up etc.

also WRT the driving. Your husband earns 6 figures. Sometimes the parent is not the right person to do the driving teaching/learning with. Just pay for (many) more lessons. It seems that you have the ability to pay to remove this issue and remove the friction and stress about driving practice from your already stressful relationship. You can afford to outsource this driving practice to a professional,so do that. IIRC

I have said to him repeatedly, you can ask to go out. You can arrange it, you don't have to wait for me. If I don't suggest it, he'll go weeks without driving.

I'm not stupid or lacking in ideas, and I have tried everything. I'm not expecting him to be a mind reader. I am expecting him to be a bit more self directed.

I did. He had so many lessons that the instructor said don't spend more money on lessons, buy him a car and practise with him. So I did.

Great summary.

Most people who fuck something up at 18ish figure things out eventually and find a good path forward. Not everyone but most. Don’t panic, give him a bit of space and tell him well done for submitting the application himself. One of the best things for teenagers to learn is that failure isn’t permanent.

OP: Ask another instructor?
If DS is ready for the test, then why isn't he taking it asap.
If DS not ready for the test, find someone else to teach/practice.

It's interesting you should say that, because I think he really struggled with the lack of structure in 6th form. Too many free periods didn't help. He didn't use them wisely.

OP, please can you respond re stress farting?!

This.

Would let the driving drop unless it’ll be essential should DS get a job, in which case since DS is realistically unlikely to make it happen would schedule the sessions twice a week for days/times that suit you. & would see it as short term pain for long term gain.

I disagree with PPs saying DSs an adult and leave him to it. He’s still very immature and too young to be abandoned. If he’s been rude it’s probably because he’s messed up and knows it. Try and talk calmly about what he’d like to do. Point him in the direction of things and suggest he does the application but gets you to look at it encore he sends it. DH sounds useless and has no clue how to talk to a truculent teenager, so tell him to butt out of it. It is exhausting but the alternative is having a NEET / failed to launch DS, so you need to keep going.

Also desperately need an answer re the stress farting. Sorry this isn't helpful.

DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc.

Missing the point of thread but how the fuck has someone who behaves like this managed to get to (and stay in) a senior managment role??

edited to fix typo

Yes why did you frame this as being your son that’s the issue when it’s so clearly your husband?! And to the extent your son IS a problem, how much of that is caused by your husband?! (I guess lots). Get off your son’s back and start telling your husband to act like an adult and parent of several years standing.

Because he is choosing to behave like this (badly) with his wife and DC