To tell DS it's up to him now.

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Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

I don't agree with this.

OP's husband is stressed about the DS doing something worthwhile/productive in life - reasonable. It is absolutely not the DH's fault (or the OP's fault) that the DS couldn't be bothered studying for A Levels and lost an apprenticeship over it. These are hard to come by and I think the DH is totally reasonable for being stressed and upset over this.

I also think that it would be reasonable for someone to look over the DS's job application before sending it. Jobs are in short supply and you don't want to send off an application with typos/crap answers to questions etc.

I would think that OP and her DH need to work together to try and help the quite lazy DS get into some sort of productive employment. Not just say it's down to him. If it's down to him, he might be NEET and stuck in OP's home for several years. And this could lead to depression or poor choices. And misery and financial outlay for OP and her DH.

I'd go on vacation by myself and leave the both of them home alone to sort themselves out. I couldn't live like this

Step back. My 40 year old brother was constantly babied by my parents and they did everything for him and now he just cannot function as a human being. Lives on their road and has to constantly pop around with any issue for them to fix. The most shocking one was him phoning my mum to ask what the phone number was for their dentist.

But your ds has followed enough instructions to be able to submit his application.

Nowhere on that application will it say: "now ask your parents to check this".

And maybe some of the help you have given ds will have sunk in and been absorbed. Maybe his application will be good enough. Or maybe it won't, and he might ask for some help next time.

All good learning. For everyone.

Why should an 18 year old have to check an application with his parents first? Sure, if he wants help, he can ask, but he has every right to do things independently now. Tell your DH to butt out.

I think it’s a good think he submitted it himself. Sounds like you’re a bit too involved. You might help him submit an amazing application but it’s him that’s going to be attending everyday, you won’t be there to help him day to day. If he cannot submit an application without parents oversight then he probably needs to take some time to evaluate what he actually wants to do and find his own motivation for getting there

In fairness, I think you are now being harsh saying he "mucked it up". He missed his required grade by 2 marks. Previously teachers were expecting him to fail.
What were his actual grades?
He's turned himself around pretty quickly, and independently, to get his application in. Good for him - despite his father having a meltdown. What does ballistic look like? What sort of atmosphere is DS experiencing?
DH's behaviour is not OK - DS is probably experiencing a lot of stress as a result - even if it doesn't show.
High expectations, and not feeling good enough for a controlling parent, can lead to apathy, disengagement, and low self esteem.
I'd be ensuring that I remained supportive, without doing everything for him. Support his new budding independence.
Please don't join in your DH's negativity, just because it's easier to placate and side with him.

It's interesting you should mention ND, as eldest child has difficulties. It was suggested a couple of times in primary school that ds might have issues but as they could never tell me what they thought the problem was I didn't follow it up. They insisted he needed speech therapy, which was done at school, but again could not tell me what the problem was. Plus compared to eldest he didn't seem to have any obvious problems. But I wonder. I don't know where to start looking for help with that at this stage. Secondary school never mentioned it.

Years ago my eldest DS was very lazy and was always asking me to help him do things. I helped him over and over again on doing little everyday things. Mum can you book me a dentist appointment etc. Then my Mum was very ill and I went 160 miles to stay with her until she died. When I came back DS had changed and was doing things for himself. I think when I wasn't there to do things for him he just learned to do it himself.

Your poor DS he’s been under massive A level pressure ( sometimes the stress can lead to then being a bit lazy I think) Sounds like you have helped alot and that sounds good but your DH sounds an actual nightmare tbh.

Is he not proud of his son?
Is it that he want his DS to be a mirror image of himself?

To be honest I feel for your DS he’s has a massive disappointment and is probably feeling very low - he has tried to buckle down and do another application / and now he’s getting shouted at because he didn’t SHOW you. He cannot win poor kid.

How about your DH takes a long hard look at himself and realises he should be saying …… ‘DS we are proud of you that you’ve sat down and done the application. I know the last week had been tough and stressful and you are disappointed, here to help if you need anything ’.

Show him this thread - actually don’t bother because the damage is done I think.

If he's trying to pass on a manual get him to switch to an automatic. So much easier.

my dad was like this when I was made redundant, on the phone every 30 seconds asking what jobs I had applied for. I needed 48hrs to cry and be angry and he was constantly ringing with helpful suggestions
I had to yell at him had he ever known me unemployed
by the second time I was made redundant I accidentally overheard him say to his partner “she will be fine, she’s so bloody stubborn and resilient”

Is your husband ND? Only asking because you mentioned it with your kids. Does that impact things at home and how he handles stress?

Sometimes they 'refuse to study' because they know in themselves that they are out of their depth and going to fail, so everyone can blame the failure in exams on the not studying and not on the 'not being bright/committed/interested' enough. So they already know they are going to fail, and the future becomes a big wasteland. Stepping out into adulthood is a huge thing.

If your DS can achieve something, however small - a part time job in retail or something, you might find that his increase in confidence and knowing how the big wide world works make him take leaps forward. As a pp said, university is still open to him as an adult learner, and he might just need some growing up time first. I went to university at forty nine!

I don't know, but I have long suspected he is. My brother is. And I am quite odd tbh. But DH and I both had v difficult childhood paths so it's hard to know what is that and what might be other stuff.

I have wondered if deep down the apprenticeship he was offered felt just too big and overwhelming at 18. The other people in his interview group were all graduates.

I’d definitely wonder. Your description of DH makes me wonder about him too tbh.
Assuming he had decent GCSEs for A levels and attended lessons even with minimal revision I’d expect more than Es.
Likewise teen lads usually take to driving and if he’s had lessons and been out with you 3 fails is a red flag.
It’s difficult as he’s 18 and down to him. I’d encourage him to do some online assessments and see Gp if he thinks more going on than laziness.

I’d give him a week or two to let the dust settle and see how things go. He might be a bit shaken and worried about his future and needs time to digest this little blip.
If nothing changes I’f say to him in the meantime he needs to get a part time job while he’s looking for an apprenticeship . I’d apply for those for him. Working in any job will give him experience on how to be , gain maturity and can only help with future interviews. It may also help him focus on what he really wants to do in the future

Do I think now is the time to back off and leave your son to it in life? No, I don't.

He's 17 or 18, has had disappointing results, and whilst some 17/18 year olds are super-motivated and don't need parental support, most do, and most get it.

I was still helping my 17/18 year olds by looking over applications at this age, although I wouldn't do it if they didn't want me to.

I also intervened to help them get on the course they wanted when they were told it was full, drove them to uni, the usual parental stuff.

Is it important over time to get your son to be more independent? Yes, but getting an apprenticeship and helping him onto the next stage wil help with that. it may even be that by over-helping him to get the first one, he just wasn't quite at the right level for it and that's ok, he can step back a bit and have another go.

Your husband is an arse, because he's spilling all his stress on you, instead of supporting your son in what is a difficult time for your son, and he's not helping you either, tell him to be quiet.

As always, you have a DH problem, and no, you don't need to withdraw all support right this second, when you've scaffolded your son so much, why is everyone on Mumsnet so keen on the drastic solutions when there's far better ways to gradually launch your teenager into the adult world? Over time, and with less faciilitating.

He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

Well, he can't practise on his own?! So I'm not sure why you telling him is a problem? Also - good he has failed. If he is a bit chaotic and finds it difficult to concentrate/focus, then the more lessons he has, the better! Blimey. Wait for him to mature a bit before you let him loose on the roads.

And: Well it turns out that DS submitted the application without asking either of us to check it first,
Amazing! That's what you wanted, isn't it? Blimey. He said he was in his room submitting an application. And he did.

I would say, tell your DH to unclench, but I fear more farting.

Have you seen his papers for review of marking? I’d also wondered if self sabotage eg writing nothing.

It’d be U to do nothing to help DS. Fine to change approach from what you & your H did in recent years.

H is U to say ‘we’ should do things and moan to you but expect you to do all the things he suggests and do little himself.

Would leave DS be for a little while and seek to adjust things with your H and agree on your next steps.

Does your eldest DC have a diagnosed condition such as autism, or was something mentioned as a possibility by you or others, but not followed up?

I agree he’s just a kid and some boys aren’t that mature at 17/18 . He still needs help.

I assume the DH can drive so why should it always have to be mum in passenger seat. Unless she wants to it’s time consuming and can be stressful.

Yes eldest was diagnosed at 3