To tell DS it's up to him now.

[hotsocks27]

Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

Well it turns out that DS submitted the application without asking either of us to check it first, and DH has gone ballistic and is nearly in tears. Fun times.

Me too. This must be a more common picture than I imagined.
I feel fortunate that I'm 2 year behind you both though, with time to change tactics.
Immature/struggling fathers seem to be the common denominator.

That sounds really difficult @hotsocks27

On another thread I've posted about myself at 18 too lazy and immature...but I got a job in a bank.

The trouble is op, you've not spelt out the facts of life to your son:

You're not a child anymore. You need to pay rent to live here. No rent no food.

We also aren't going to give you any money, you need to earn it.

Plus we aren't paying for your driving lessons or test anymore.

Surely that is what will get him to wake up...that he is now classed as an adult and has to behave as such

I don't think I could be with a man like that. What a big baby. Ick.

DH needs to get a grip to be honest and let him fail on his own.

Your husband is causing unnecessary stress and needs to stop telling you what youre doing. He has to tell ds himself , in a calm manner. Help him when required he is also a parent is he not? Just reading your post i felt exhausted by the demands . No wonder your son is struggling with it all, he probably feels the same.

@hotsocks27 I’ve heard ‘Panic Pee’ but never ‘Stress Farting’ until now. Do you actually mean stressed ‘verbal diarrhoea’?

Anyway, it doesn’t sound as though your son is an enthusiastic academic, or maybe just unable. Not everyone is. He may have reached the end of the road with studying and it’s actually now time to just find a job and join the world of work.

DH thinks everything is your job and so DS thinks everything is your job... step away, let them (both) learn to adult!

@Alittlefrustrateddh just doesn't seem to know how to communicate with either of them. It always ends in shouting, which I can't bear. I always thought he was more 'normal' than me but beginning to think there's some uncomfortable codependency thing going on. Ack. Next few months are going to be hard ☹️

Isn’t it good your son has taken the initiative and done it? Your husband needs to unclench. It’s interesting your husband has many ideas about what needs doing for your son but tries in effect to delegate it to you 🙄. Your husband needs need to step back, your husband needs to step up and your son needs to be more independent

You have a husband problem, not a son problem.

He's too busy stress farting 😂

DH is worried that ds will mess it up and copes with this by getting me to 'fix' ds's attempts, leading to ds being in this pickle.

Why do you need to check it? He's a grown up...say you check it, make it better, jizz it up and he gets the job. Rocks up and they realise he's not that person and let him go...

I don't understand why your DH is so stressed. What is he worried will happen?

Can you and DH agree some boundaries for your DS and then DS works out how he is going to live within them.

E.g. what you are prepared to do in terms of housing him, driving him places, allowance you will give him, chores division in the house. Tell him you're here to help with job, college, uni applications. Then leave him to it?

Yep

And somehow you think your DS is at fault here? Your husband sounds like a complete arse (no pun intended but now I think of it yes literally).

Teenage boys are difficult. You need to be patient and support them and then be patient and support them again. Yet all I am hearing is poor DH poor DH.

Why for all this time has your DH been telling you how to help your son and not just doing it himself?

And really, you are right about letting him do things himself, that’s how you learn, sounds like your DH is stifling him, he needs to take a huge step back

The problem with not giving kids a chance to fail is what happens when they do fail? Because I think it’s an inevitable part of life that we all fail at some point, whether it’s an exam, a job interview or a relationship.
If we never let them fail at anything they don’t build up the resilience to cope with life’s disappointments, pick themselves up, dust themselves off and try again.

I know a few parents of older children/ teens who I feel still micromanage their kids lives as if they were in primary school - booking appointments for them, finding jobs for them, organising their revision etc and in my opinion they’re not arming their child with any resourcefulness or life skills. No one obviously wants their child to fail but the truth is unless they experience some disappointment or feel obliged to take responsibility, they never learn they can get through difficult things, they expect other people to sort things for them and they don’t cope well with normal failures.

I think that's great news that he's done it by himself and submitted it! Your husband sounds like the problem

This sounds great that your DS was motivated to do the application. DH needs to massively calm down and stop expecting you to facilitate DS succeeding in life. He's 18 now presumably so "I'm here if you need me" is perfect.

If you’re giving ds any money, that needs to stop PDQ, until he starts to show willing.

This is good advice OP

Switch off the WiFi.