To tell DS it's up to him now.

[hotsocks27]

Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

Look up ADHD and dysgraphia, often bedfellows. If he has ADHD he may find task initiation difficult (executive dysfunction), hence not proactively arranging driving sessions and struggling to get going with revision. Inattention might also mean he struggles more with driving and coordination. Struggling more with self- directed learning is also a red flag for ADHD and shows up even more when young people start University.
A diagnosis and treatment might be life changing for him. Go private if you can, it will be invaluable at this point in his life. Once that’s done, send DH!

Interestingly I was reading about that last night and it makes a lot of sense.

Private is an option and it looks like I could get things moving pretty quickly. Just need to talk to DS about it first.

I’d only ever feel “disappointed” with my sons if the police arrested them, not over a job interview. If the latter I’d feel disappointed FOR them

If you read back you will see that I said disappointed IN THE RESULT.

This was twisted by another poster into me being disappointed in my son.

Which is not what I said.

Oh right. Apologies. Yes results can be disappointing. We’ve all been there x

@Whosthetabbynownot your fault, just another poster choosing to interpret everything as negatively as possible.

Ah right. Reading your posts I can see how much you care about your son and want the best for him

Stress farting? I’m claiming that one, sounds better than “Oops sorry, sorry, Julie Waters soup sketch tribute moment.”

This.

It's incredibly difficult as a parent, but this is exactly right. It all becomes about a conflict with you, rather than addressing the issue.

You need to let your dh know that him dumping his anxiety on you is unacceptable. You cannot be carrying the motivation for an 18 year old and containing the anxiety of a fully adult man without giving up too much of yourself.

You've got a good plan of action re: your ds, now speak to dh.

Best of luck.

All is not lost OP, he just needs to look for a level 3 apprenticeship instead. It might be a blessing in disguise as a level 4 apprenticeship is really full on. No reason he can’t do that in the future when he has work experience under his belt and more motivation.

Personally I’d carry on helping my son apply for jobs because I’d be better at doing this than my DH, and find a way to ignore him projecting his stress onto me. Telling him to fuck off with his pointlessly stressing us all out usually helps in my house. Yes your son should be doing it by himself but I was a bit of a confused mess about what to do at 18 and wish someone aka my parent, with more years of experience, had been a bit more of a mentor for me and not been put off by me being a typical 18 year old and left me to it.

OP, it seems to me you have all done just fine. You have been exhausted getting your son through A levels and onto the next thing, many many parents have been doing the same and stress levels in the family when one or more child is doing exams are always high. Your husband lost his temper once in a very long time, not ideal, but also probably a function of the stress of the A levels and so on. You do need to stop him even speaking his stress onto you like this. Don't answer as to why he shouldn't or how you aren't his secretary, just walk away or get a phrase like 'I agree, definitely let him know that' every time he bangs on about your son. Just repeat it, don't defend your position.

Your son seems to be doing ok too, who knows whether he has inattentive ADHD or whether he just wasn't motivated to get over the line, or whether he's very disappointed, I don't think it's a bad thing to take a step back, do a different apprenticeship and it's amazing he applied for one by himself so he clearly is stepping up to the plate when needed.

GCSE's and A level years are awful for teens and parents and so much ends up riding on these stupid things, and it's not always easy to let that steam out of the situation and to pivot if things go wrong, but you sound like you are doing just fine.

Don't spend energy defending yourself on here, you are clearly caring parents who do the best to support your children and get them through qualifications, jobs and so on, don't take on other people's projections, just reward yourself with a nice Chinese meal or something and decompress a bit.as a family.

I’m sorry you read my post like that. I can only respond to what you have written and o think you are disappointed and it goes beyond the results. You go to great lengths to tell us how much you have done to support him studying and practicing driving and how all of it is because of your effort, you described a similar scenario with the application you put so much into and your dh was furious because ds applied independently for a role. It’s a hard read to be honest. I feel sorry for your boy but I don’t think that I was trying to see the negatives. What I was actually trying to do was help you reframe things. There are a million disappointments and challenges coming as he enters further education, adult relationships and the workplace. Be the family he needs.

Stress farted? Almost like snapped and farted!

You need to read what I have actually written and not invent things.

I did. Did you read anything I wrote or just decide it didn’t apply?

I think this is a waste of my time. I hope ds finds his feet and things go well for all of you and I hope you feel happier about it all.

☕

You mark a level papers @hotsocks27 so this must cut particularly deep. Are you a teacher?

Where are the English fathers gone? It is always the mother doing everything

Too busy farting

Tell him to not fart cos it’s minging? Adults are actually capable of holding it in. Otherwise in a large office like I work in you’d hear and smell people farting lots, which you don’t.