To tell DS it's up to him now.

[hotsocks27]

Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level.

But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going.

All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted.

Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now.

Aibu?

Does DH not see that DS will learn much more by messing it up and failing than having someone else swoop in and fix it for him? As in it might give him the kick up the arse to try harder next time?
It’s a job application, not a once in a lifetime opportunity. How long does DH plan to continue micromanaging DS’s life? An extremely unhealthy attitude, I would find this suffocating if I were DS and can imagine never feeling like I was good enough if my dad felt that level of oversight was necessary

My 18 year old DS is unmotivated and has always been on the lazy side. He has just left college and did okay but he would not work at university with us constantly there to nag him so he won't be going. So he has got a job and the job market is dire and there are no apprenticeships unless it's working in a nursery...... so he working part time in a pub kitchen. He hates it which is great as he is suddenly much more motivated to pull his finger out and pass his driving test to get something better. Sometimes you have to step back and let them work it out themselves.

This was me 12 years ago . ds2 very able but idle and disorganised. Mock A level results E,F,U.
With my foot firmly up his backside and a lot of angst he( we) achieved A*,A,B .( His teachers were collectively gobsmacked)
Went to uni leaving me and my foot behind . Failed first year so well he got chucked out . Got himself an accountancy apprenticeship and after many years of study is fully qualified and loves it ! Not high flying but a good job with a decent firm . So all is not yet lost OP. No input from DH either

@hotsocks27 This is all horribly familiar, so much so I'm getting stress flashbacks.

DH - tells me what children 'need to be doing' but won't help them, won't do driving practice, won't do the hard stuff. Is quite good at emotional support for them (I'm harsh).

We are a couple of years on from the last school exams and all our children are employed, which believe me was a real challenge. Are the jobs great?- No, but it's better than the alternative.

This too will pass, like the teething, like the sleepless nights, like the screaming abdabs, but the current pain is very real.

Deep breaths, gin, long walks - might help??? (or go and do primal screaming in the woods)

Does your husband not realise that every time he gets you to step in, he’s teaching your son that a) there’s no need to try because you’ll fix it, and b) that doesn’t have any faith in your songs abilities. I’d argue that b) is the bigger problem. How horrible for a child to have such constant and obvious evidence that his father doesn’t believe in him.

So you don’t fart?

My sons never caused us a day of trouble until it came to getting their fingers out around their futures. Ds1 got a plumbing apprenticeship then I found out he hadn’t been attending the one college day per week. Absolutely furious. That all got sorted. He then went on to do The Knowledge and qualified as a black cabbie.
Ds2 thought he could “chill out” for a year after his BTecs. Er, no. Got a place at uni through clearing. Hated every minute of it. Was going to give it up. Couldn’t be bothered to do the coursework. DH tore him a new arse. He came out with a 2:1 and is now a product manger at a global company in the City. What I’m trying to say is yes, your Dh needs to step up, it’s all fixable and with supportive parents anything is possible. Sending love x

Are there any parents who don't check their children's job applications? The vast majority of people i know, including 30/40 year olds will ask others to proof read a doc, or ask for a suggestions. The problem seems to be your son is lazy and your husband deals with issues by trying to shift the blame onto you. It really isn't the end of the world but DS needs to find himself an apprenticeship (gold dust) or a job. Lots of people find a job and work their way up.

YABU only because your husband is the problem. Leave your ds to do it he will work things out, as for husband leave him.

Yes, a foot in the door at that age. You’re not going to earn top dollar but you need to get in and prove yourself x

Almost as if you need to do well at a levels and can't just say "I'm not academic I'll just do an apprenticeship"

I was going to say this, too.

I would, however, go cautiously about the finance bit. Whilst I entirely accept it’s reasonable that adult children should learn to pay their way, my parents suddenly telling me that they thought I should pay them to live in what I had until then thought of as my home, with very little assistance in becoming independent, really upset me. It just came out of the blue and it seemed so transactional. It prompted me to leave home because I sort of balanced home with how I could enjoy enjoy living away from home, which they then took as a sort of betrayal and “you’re on your own in that case“. Which pretty describes their approach from then on, permanently.

On the other hand, a very good friend of mine has told one of her children that they are going to have to get to grips with being an adult and playing their part in the household and paying their way and not expecting her to do that. But, and it’s a big but, she’s been saying this gently all year whilst her child has been sorting out future options.

Your husband is nearly in tears because your son submitted an application without checking it with you. Dear god are you sure he’s an actual adult and not a child? Crying because your son did something for himself. How does he manage to function in the workplace? Or does he not work?

I can hand on heart say I do not know anyone in their 30s or 40s who asks their parents to check their job applications.
My parents have never checked a single job application for me.

Your DH sounds exactly like mine. Drives me nuts. He used to say DS needs to do XYZ and I would talk to DS, foolishly. I started by agreeing with DH, but doing nothing. "Yes he does".
So DH changed his approach and used "Tell him to do XYZ". I just told DH to tell DS. DH does keep quieter but gets very stressed about it.

Two books that may help you both. You would both probably benefit from the 2 books but Let Them would be good for your DH now; if he'll read it.
I think both are available as audio books.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Let-Them-Theory-Life-Changing-Millions/dp/1788176189

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BXQ469SR/?bestFormat=true&k=co%20dependent%20no%20more%20melody%20beattie&ref_=nb_sb_ss_w_scx-ent-bk-ser_k0_1_6_de&crid=1UQ3I2NVYZLCC&sprefix=co%20dep

Good luck

Could have been worse, could have had a hard stress fart following the laughing!

Just want to say your son sounds very normal, I could have written much of what you have about mine- the getting them to revise- so frustrating!
This might not be at all relevant as it sounds as though your son has stepped up, but we insisted ours took a gap year, to work and do resits- work went well- he's a good employee, revision, not so much- pulling teeth again.
Anyway he took another year out and has come to his own decision re an entirely different degree than he was going to do- less academic, but much more his passion- I'm actually thrilled and relieved. So I guess my point is that time out for a boy who was a touch lazy academically has been hugely beneficial. They come good in the end.
Good luck to your son with his apprenticeship.

You are both babying him. He needs to learn to work and make decision under his own steam. You are removing any effort from his executive function. If he doesn’t then he doesn’t.

if he doesn’t experience consequences he will never figure it out. Good or bad.

your DH needs to chill the hell out.

V senior position in a well known organisation, 6 figure salary.

“Jizz it up”!? “Stress farting”!?

I need to step away from the internet as I have officially reverted to being an 11-year-old boy. 😂

Ha ha ha ha

He’s used to barking orders!

If you can can you go and stay with a friend for a few days respite? Your ‘d’h needs to father his child and role model, and the stress farting sounds vile. Stop being useful to these men that could not care less how much you do for them

I have been known to point out that I do not work for him.

I stress clean, but this is new…. Yes, leave your DS to it, and give him no cash.