AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

I dont see the problem? She sounds like a perfect daughter. She is clever and educated and has her qualifications. She is married to the father of her baby. She can start her teacher training anytime and when she does I am sure she will be successful. You can't manage someone else's life, she is an adult and has the right to make her own choices! You need to respect that and have more faith in her. A baby is a blessing and you need to realise that it is happening whether you like it or not. You need to give her support and encouragement and enjoy the preparation for the baby. Remember, it is her life not yours and what she has achieved so far and how she has behaved you should be so proud of and believe that she will achieve everything she sets her mind to when she is ready, not you!

What page is the snobbery on?

There are a few but the worst was on page 8 or 9 and has been deleted. Pity, everyone should have been able to see it and draw their own conclusions.

yes I do think mumsnet is a little too trigger happy with deletions sometimes what harm is really done from everyone being able to read a stupid rant

Didn't realise it they had been deleted! Probably looks like responses are really random now 😂

Where I live £120k would get a semi detached that needs redecorating. Young people need to be realistic about what a starter home is just like the rest of us had to, you can't expect first time buyers to have higher end housing like people who've paid in for donkeys years! You sound very snooty and obviously live in the south where house prices and salaries are obviously much higher! Try to understand the difference between North and south!

The big issue the OPs daughter will have is that they have to get a mortgage without her being in a paid teaching role which very much reduces the amount of mortgage they can get.

OP I think your daughter and her husband sound great. Enjoy the grandbaby!

Maybe you aren't looking at it the same way Tue OP is! One income makes getting mortgage very different to when you've got two, maybe the OP isn't at a stage of her life where she wants a newborn under her roof.
There certainly needs to be discussion about tie future and what childcare looks like when the DD wants to go off and teach. Maybe the OP doesn't want to be raising the child everyday whilst both parents work

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions here? The daughter said she would look to move out and OP told her there wasn't any rush! There are childcare providers aswell and possibly the father of the baby has family aswell! If the OP is like you then I really wouldn't want anything to do with you. Only thinking about yourselves and how it will inconvenience you. I had 4 children in nursery provision why i worked full time and didn't have family to help. This should be a time of enjoyment not one for thinking about how it will inconvenience you!

Why would anyone assume OP would be babysitting everyday? When I had a baby at a young age I had to pay for all childcare because my parents were still working full time as would be common among many younger grandparents.

Honestly Op, I don’t know what you are devastated about .
She is married , has a good degree , worked while studying , has a hardworking lovely husband . They are looking to buy their own home and so will not be relying on you to sub them and their child
What is the problem?

I also wouldn’t get to hung up on not owning a house yet. They can rent, they have plenty of time to buy a home. We didn’t get our ‘forever home’ until we we were 30s and kids were primary school age, as we had ours younger we’ve been able to take out a longer term mortgage because we will be done with active parenting by mid 40s but earning well with no more planned interruptions, plenty of time to overpay on the mortgage to get it paid off by a more reasonable age (mortgage is currently until 68, but would like to have it done by about 55 really).

@Postmanpatri try and look at the positives here. A baby is a blessing and even more so because they are married and both committed to planning for their future careers. Don’t worry about her joiner husband as that is a solid job and won’t be taken away by AI.
your daughter can go and do her teacher training and that could work perfectly with the child is of school age if she is already employed as a teacher - she can get the holidays off etc.

At the end of the day if they are thrilled by their news and seeing as they are both adults I would try and shrug off any devastating feelings OP and embrace the new journey as a grand parent.

This was exactly what happened to me at the same age and it all worked out fine. First DC was born 3 months after I graduated and I had another DC a year later and bought a house the year after that. I then started my teacher training when they were at school and I was still in my 20s. She’ll be fine.

My wife and I met at school,we were married at 20 and my wife became pregnant almost immediately,after the initial shock we got together and panned our way forward.We both worked hard ,had another child ,then I worked during the day and in the evening I did the childcare while my wife did an accountancy degree,it took a few years because she was doing it part time,but now she has a great job and we have a great family.Your DD sounds very sensible ,her partner sounds hardworking and it sounds like they are in love.If it was my DD I would be happy for them and looking forward to becoming a grandparent.

You would be making a huge difference. It should be more highly paid and the work made stable. Good luck. X

I think you need to get a grip. I’m 38. My child I had at 21 is 16. I am still happily married to my husband (went on to have two more by 26).

I have a degree. All mine are now at secondary at 38 I have loads of time to dedicate to my career even further.

I understand disappointment to a degree but devastated? pathetic. A cancer diagnosis at 21 is devastating by the way.

It sounds fine OP. Two young adults having a baby. Nothing awful.

This! I started my career at 28, I’m now 30, I aren’t even married or have children yet! It’s so young and I think she’s done it right. This is not a waste. I’d have loved to have been married with a baby to a lovely man at that age.

OP it’s not the end of the world. My niece had her first at nineteen (unplanned), her second at 22 (planned) and has achieved a huge amount in her career. She’s had several promotions, got qualifications through her job, speaks three languages. You don’t lose your ambition through becoming a mother.

OP - The only thing you can do right now is be supportive of your daughter. She’s nearly 22 and just graduated… not 16 and sitting her GCSEs.
You also have a patronising attitude which I don’t like. ‘Lovely boy’ - your son in law is 22. Also - joiners can earn a lot of money - yes you got to put in the hours but you’ll reap the rewards.

I’d love this for my kids, OP. They sound absolutely delightful to be around and like they work really well as a couple. Having had my own kids at 30+ I’m tired now and wish I’d had them younger.

I think having a child at her age will probably derail her career less than if she were older. I know three mums that had kids at 17. All of them are still with the original partner and doing exceptionally well. Because she is so young and will get a ton of support.

Don't dismiss the supermarket job. DH's cousin's DS worked weekends in a supermarket as a student. After graduation he continued to work there full-time and worked his way up to assistant manager level. He recently asked for a transfer closer to family and they offered him the job of manager of a brand new store.

You support all their decisions! Simply. Stop living through your child it's her life and it will go the best way possible. Degrees don't disappear and a husband who is a joiner at 21 that is a great job give him more credit. Another 10 years you'll be on here gloating about their great house and 2 grandchildren and how he has his own business.

I'm the first person in my family to make it past year nine. They could not continue past that point; they had to work full-time. From 14.

How deeply embarrassing for you to have assumed otherwise.