AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

Her degree will keep. Twenty one isn't that young to be a mum and she sounds sensible.

University is done and dusted. I'm sure the DH is hard working - after all we are all told trade jobs are the future.

Good luck to them both..

Remember it wasn't that long ago when people got married after uni as a matter of course. 22 is properly adult - a long way on from "teen" pregnancy

I can see why it’s a shock, and why it might derail her career a little. However that’s not a definite. I was surprised to find that I work with plenty of women who took time out to have kids 20/21 and now have full careers age 30/35. I also know a couple of friends who had kids age 16-18. I had my first a bit later 27 but wish I’d started sooner truthfully. You said yourself, she is bright and has good results. She just needs to keep her hand in at work and training, with support from her DH and family hopefully.

So the pair of them live with you and will be raising the baby there?

She’ll be 22 when she has the baby, she’s married and in a happy long term relationship with a husband who is hard working. She finished her degree and can begin teacher training whenever she likes. It could be a hell of a lot worse OP- no reason here to be devastated that I can see.

OP says they are looking to move out so will have their own place

No advice but I completely understand OP. Just make sure they do get a place of their own otherwise you will end up as the default parent, if you don't anyway. I really hope it all works out for all of you.

Devastated sounds rather an over reaction tbh!! I’d be devastated if someone had died or my home had burnt down!
It’s fine to be a bit disappointed than her future is going to look a little different but she’s an adult and has the right to decide her own future!

I know she said that.
I'm wondering where the husband lives. Do they all live together? How soon, practically, can they move out?

It’s not ideal as she hasn’t got her career established, but she has her degree, her husband is working and they have a plan to get their own place. I would be disappointed as it’s unplanned and she wanted a career but I think it can work out. Encourage her to have her career once the baby is born.

It is so young, especially these days, so I understand your feelings and think I’d feel the same.

Hang on, she's married but still lives at home?! That's a bit odd.

But anyway, good on them for choosing to raise their child rather than abort it.

They live here as they were saving for a house deposit, but she immediately said they would move out before the baby was born.

Does her husband live with you too?

After getting married at the ages they did, I don’t think you should be too surprised a baby is on the way. IME most people who marry young have a baby quite quickly.

Ok, have they saved enough already?
They sound very mature and competent. At 21/22 mine were nowhere near a house deposit.

My SiL had her DD aged 17. She went back to uni 6 years ago and is now an NHS physio. She's in her early 30s, DD is off to college and SiL can build her career.

I did it the other way around and am finding my late 30s tough going with two young DC and a professional full time job. Career progression has definitely slowed! So I don't think either SiL or I did things the "right way" - there are positives and trade offs to each.

No she says DD is commited to moving out, she hasn't said if her husband is living with her. What's the living situation OP?

She can always do teacher training when the baby is a bit older.

She sounds very sensible. Hopefully it will all work out.

I would make sure they are serious about that.

It's really not the end of the world. I'd encourage her to get in touch with the university and see if she can defer teacher training for one year rather than pull out. By the time she's due to start her baby will be six months and she might be ready. If not she can always pull out then. There are many routes through life, and none of them are wrong.

True, but in those days cohabitating was frowned upon and women were usually housewives after having children.

She said they both live with her.

We live in a very affordable part of Scotland, a 10% deposit on a 2 bed can be as low as £15,000. DD says they aren’t far off and her husbands parents have offered to help them out.
She was working through out her course to help save.

Do you think they can afford to?

Finding somewhere to rent / buying a house and moving is a lot to deal with at the best of times, let alone during a pregnancy.

I know so many people who had babies young and still achieved everything they wanted career wise.

'Devastated' is a bit much OP. She's in a stable relationship, she's got her degree, she knows what she wants to do, she's got supportive family around her - focus on these positives.