AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

That's excellent. I can't see a problem here, they'll have their own place, your DD can start teacher training when she's settled and the baby can go to nursery.
It sounds fine.

I was married at 22 , graduated when I was 22 and had my first child . 18 months later I did my PGCE and have now been teaching over 25 years . It is definitely not the end of the world . Maybe a bit tougher doing the PGCE , but possible .

I'm with you OP, I would have been devastated too. She hasn't even started any career, of course she can do it later but it will be a lot lot harder with a baby or toddler.

I expected my children to get well established in careers after university, own a home, before they married and had children, which is what they did. That's why they waited till over thirty even though they'd met at university over a decade before.

Do you know why she decided to carry on with the pregnancy?

Will they be able to afford a home of their own on his salary alone? She presumably will get very little maternity pay.

I’m 37 and have a professional job in the City (think AML-type role). Have a 5yo and a 4yo. I’ve got a colleague who is 40 and has a couple of teenagers! She got into our role when her youngest went to school - I only started in this career age 26, so we’re broadly at the same point now except she’s not having to plan her life around childcare and she’s a couple of years off being able to go on childfree holidays!

I’d have been terrified if I’d got pregnant straight after graduating, but looking at my colleague I do realise you can take so many different routes to the same place. It must be a shock but I’m sure everything will work out absolutely fine - and you will get an adorable grandchild!

They sound a v impressive young couple and I would be very proud of them both.

YANBU. Doesn't seem any point in her going to Uni and getting a degree and getting into £50,000 worth of debt, if she was just going to get married at 21 and have a baby a few months later...

You will get loads of posters saying they managed to achieve a very successful highly paid career despite having a baby at 20 or so, but in the real world, most women won't.

I wouldn't believe her when she says the baby 'wasn't planned' either.

It was.

In 2026, there is absolutely no need whatsoever for a woman to get pregnant 'accidentality...'

/

I understand you’re upset, but all they’ve really done is hit the milestones a few years earlier than many other people. She has a degree, she’s married, and a baby is the logical next step. Yes, having her own home now would be better, but that will happen soon. She can defer her teacher training for a year, and then she’ll go into a decent profession. I think you’re pretty lucky - it could be so much worse.

Personally, like a previous poster, I'd say if teaching is her preference, an early baby is probably pretty central. I did the "London City Thing", had a baby "early" for the city at 32 and career stalled. Almost better to have a baby then go back after. That's what a friend did. Uni first, baby then masters in social work. University bent over backwards because, quite honestly, mature students with kids help their diversity stats. Teacher training isn't as hard as some options.

And as for joinery - lols. I'm on 6 figures and my builder / joiner cousin earns more than I do 🤣

I would also consider that the baby was planned and this is what they both wanted but, pre empting your disappointment, she has found it easier to say to you that the pregnancy is a surprise.

But this is just silly. You don't become incapable of pursuing a career because you have a baby.

But you'd have to be deluded to say it won't hold you back ......

.

As a side note, it baffles me how people still say a pregnancy/ baby was ‘unplanned’.

Contraception can fail but it’s very rare. What ‘unplanned’ really means is having sex without contraception but the goal at the time was not to conceive.

I missed that post it wasnt in the OP.

Erm, birth control can still fail, even in 2026? So could well be unplanned

I think devastated is an overreaction. She sounds level headed.

It just comes across like you don’t think her DH is good enough because of his job.

Hold her back in what way? She'll be a year later starting. Big deal. I didn't get a grad job until I was 28. I'm at the top of my industry now.

The bottom line is no one's circumstances are completely optimal. Sounds like she has plenty of advantages that others won't have. If she wants to pursue teaching, there is no reason why that would be a problem.

You’ll get a lot of YABU but I don’t think you are. I’d be gutted too. I’d get on with it, but yeah I’d be gutted.

She’ll be fine, I have a family member who did teacher training with a baby, had several more children, and ended up in a senior position.

Yeah, birth control doesn't fail..... When it's being used correctly

Implant: Less than 0.05% failure rate.
Hormonal and Copper IUDs: 0.2% to 0.8% failure rate.
Injectable (Depo-Provera): 0.2% failure rate.
Combined or Progestin-Only Pill: 0.3% failure rate.
Contraceptive Patch and Vaginal Ring: 0.3% failure rate.
Male Condoms: 1.5% failure rate.

Virtually 99% of pregnancies are planned.

I’d feel the same as you OP my daughter is 22 and has one year left of uni I want her to go make a life for herself so I’d be disappointed if this happened. The other concern is being in a rent trap once you have a baby , renting , childcare costs if she’s wants to work , it’s hard for them to ever get established on the property ladder. Having said that I had mine at 20 .. sure my mum felt the same as- and I absolutely love being a younger mum with a 22 year old she like my young best friend

I think you are really really really lucky.
She is still intelligent, hard working and has a degree. She will bounce back and start a career, PLUS give you a grandchild!
If you are so worried about her career, why don't you offer to help withthe baby or nursery fees so she can take the training now? I know you are still doing a lot by housing them. If you continue to do so, she could carry on with her career plans too?

Would you rather, your dd, like so many on MN, were posting 'I am 40, I am hoping to find a nice man and have children with him' or suchlike idiotic things we read on here?
Your daughter is smart, got a degree, will be a teacher (not interior designer), so she has her head screwed on, she has a husband, they will have a baby - sounds like a dream to me!
She will still be young when her children grow up - which is a gift from God, only not many people realise that, and what a gift it is!!!!
Be happy for your smart, non-bed-hopping university-educated daughter - until recently it was the norm, to marry young, to have children young, it is only now, in these genetically challenging times it is the 'new normal' to be geriatric mothers and 'still looking for love in your late 30s'.

Disclaimer: I was that moron, late starter, and geriatric mother, so I know what I am talking about - I wish I had your daughter's nous.

It used to be fairly standard to get married out of uni, and start a family. My mum did, she actually did her teacher training once we were in school, and proceeded to have a great career.

Plus lucky baby having such a young gran.

I’d be absolutely gutted too. It’s just too young. Your early 20s are for travelling and having fun. I’d be incredibly disappointed if my kids had kids before they had their own places and could afford them, not to mention limited life experiences.

But that is because you are wise, not just intelligent. I wish I were like that, but alas.