AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

They both sound wonderful - cultured, hard-working and brimming with potential. Even if it's unexpected, they're going to give this baby a brilliant life!

To call a young couple living with parents whether married or not, ‘odd’ in this current climate is insanely out of touch

@FunPartyIdeas You seem very certain. There’s no guarantee of anything. What top uni? You seen to have little idea of how competitive these jobs are. I know many teachers - all are in their own houses. They retire early on fantastic pensions paid for in part by the state. You can have a great life as a teacher - part time hours, job shares and very long holidays. Come back and inform us what internships DS gets and what job because nothing is ever guaranteed and you are just a bit too smug.

OP I don’t think you are being unreasonable, they ARE very young , and the decision they’re making does significantly change what their young years will look like and they will ‘miss out’ on things/ have a very different path to what they otherwise might have , so for you to have strong feelings about this especially if you had pictured what their (her) 20s would look like a certain way , is understandable. It also doesn’t mean that she’s set down a singular path (e.g. career , limiting experiences etc ) because of her decision

@MeetMeOnTheCorner All I have to say is this - teaching nowadays is horrific. You clearly have no idea of what it is teachers actually have to do.
If it was so well paid, why do you think I did it for 22 years yet still can't afford a big enough mortgage to house my own kids?! My son wouldn't touch the profession with a barge pole. I want him to achieve so much more with his life than I ever did.

it’s hardly the end of the world I’m 25 and have a 9 year old. Yes I had her at 16 actually found out I was pregnant at 15.
I am a now a normal person with a normal 9 year old I’ve raised myself (not my parents or the foster system) I also have a job and am not a drug addict.

That’s to say getting pregnant young is not the end of the world and she’s not particularly young anyway

YABU to feel like this and there is nothing you can do

@Frogfootedfroggy That's impressive, especially at such a young age. Do you own your own home?

Thank you, I rent it

I’d be devastated too OP, so young to be married and having a child. But, she’s got her degree and hopefully she will take up TT soon. Best wishes.

My impression is that if you have to teach in a Scottish secondary, then it seems that those in the Music Department have the best job satisfaction.

I'm afraid that I wasn't in the Music Department...

@Frogfootedfroggy Same here, although we're 45 and 50! House prices are just ridiculous.

I think this sounds fine. Will she not just start her PGCE next year? When I was on maternity leave with DC2, I’d decided to start a masters degree - it was distance learning and I asked the ino if I could fast track it to do more modules before I went back to work. This quickly provided unworkable for me with 2 month old DC but still f the DC is a bit older and in nursery then it should be ok.

@WearyAuldWumman I have heard that the Scottish school system is far better for teaching in than it is here (England). It's getting worse here, not better.

@PollysKenwood A PGCE would very likely be untenable with such a small child. I did mine way before having kids of my own and even then it was incredibly intense. Drop out rate was very high.

Op , don’t listen to all the negative comments
your daughter and son in law sound sensible and forward thinking.

they will have good jobs, a great grandmother, and a happy family life.
you will have an adorable grandchild

There are definitely problems in the Scottish system. To my mind, the supposed Curriculum for Excellence is not fit for purpose and behaviour seems to become more challenging each year. (I retired completely this year - I'd been doing a little bit of supply until I could get my State Pension.)

I'd say that it's better for those in the Music Department because practical class sizes are smaller and those who take Music from S3 and beyond are generally there because they want to be.

The maximum class size for classes in junior years is 33 and for S3 and above it's 30. However, for practical sets the maximum is 20. That can make quite a difference.

Covering Music was a joy compared with other subjects the last time I did supply. Elsewhere in the same school, things were much more challenging.

Partly that was because the Music Dept staff had one another's backs and - quite rightly, in my view - stood up to the SLT whilst having a zero tolerance policy of bad behaviour. Partly it was down to the fact that junior classes enjoyed practical music much more than theoretical work elsewhere and staff only needed to keep sight of 20 children at a time.

On the one hand, Music Departments have the stress of organising school concerts and so on; on the other hand, they don't have the same marking stress.

Several years ago, my daughter was 19 and studying for a teaching degree. She had been with her dh (then dp) for 3 years and deliberately got pregnant whilst at uni because that's what they both wanted. They did have their own rented place but I was so worried about her decision. She completed her degree and did teaching practice when her baby was only a few weeks old. She then took some time off with her baby before starting her career in teaching, albeit part-time. They married and bought their own home.
Now, years later, they have 3 beautiful DC, upgraded to a really lovely house and she still works as a part- time teacher and private tutor. I'm very proud of her and have supported all her decisions, even if I've not always been sure about them.
Your daughter sounds wonderful and very level headed. Everything will work out fine. Enjoy your grandchild, I love mine and being a younger nanny had it's benefits 😄

Thats what I thought too. It makes more sense to do it this way. More natural. I suppose that how the world evolves for the women. We can now go back to having children before building the whole career.

Please OP, stop defending yourself against the snobs.
You sound like a lovely person with a lovely talented daughter.
My oldest daughter had her first child at 18, got married and now almost 21 years and 3 kids later they are going to buy their first property (£180,000). She didn’t have a university education and went into care work for the local council. She has worked hard and is now an area manager and oversees the running of 5 local authority care homes.
My youngest daughter was the first in my family to go to university and is now an accountant, about to become chartered.
I love the way the “posh people” are looking down their noses at house prices and wages in your area, they are the ones that come from money and wouldn’t survive in the real world.
I’m in the North West, still rent and earn £32000 a year as a warehouse manager. My husband works in a supermarket. We’re not rich, but don’t have a massive mortgage around our necks and enjoy life.
Your daughter and her family are going to be fine xxx

dear OP, I'm glad you're feeling more calm, settled & optimistic after reading the answers on this thread.

For what it's worth: I think both you & DD (& DD's DH) have possibly - albeit accidentally - hit the jackpot. This could be an ideal time in DD's life to start a family, although not quite what what you / she envisaged. At the moment they can live with you till they're ready to buy the house they want & can afford, which will be near to you and also to his parents.

DD's DH has a very solid professional qualification & a safe, well-paying/pensionable job, with scope to go self-employed in the future & to extend the creative/artisanal side, if he wants to.

Your daughter has achieved excellently well - enabled and supported from early years by YOU and her granny - and, from that base, DD can further her quals & extend her career at a later date, whenever she is ready to do so.
OP, please recognise what you've done in enabling all this. You (and your mum) have done brilliantly in enabling & supporting DD to achieve her life so far.
Plus, DD and her DH have been together since secondary school. She did Uni. He went the professional apprenticeship route. They already have a relationship which has endured & stood the test of time &, presumably, intermittent separations. They enjoy similar cultural interests (you mention ballet and opera).
Life is changing, OP. The future will not be the same as the past. Bedding down into a known community, where you can live a good life and be near your family(ies) is going to become more precious as the future unfolds and life becomes more precarious.
"Upward Mobility" is not what it was in the "Margaret Drabble era". We now need to wake up to what 47+yrs of Thatcherism/Neoliberalism has done to the lives of ordinary people. The future is very limited. Take note.
OP, treasure what you have in your family, your village, vicinity and in the future offered to your DD & her fam in the future. Bless the fact that they'll be near. Enjoy the DGCs. It's all good, OP.

Teaching is very well paid in Scotland. I've just looked it up, and after 5 years of teaching you can be paid £53K. That's a very good salary for Scotland, and will also come with a good pension. Plus the long holidays. So that explains why teachers put up with all the bad behaviour and violence, and it can be difficult to find teaching jobs unless you go somewhere isolated, like the islands.

@MaddestGranny Just want to say how much I love your post.

People do things that you dont approve of and they are still perfectly fine.

My friend became a teacher after having a baby at 25, went on to become a head of two schools and is now an LA adviser so it’s really not a career disaster.

Right . Well this is a discussion forum where people give their opinions on various topics ? Which is perfectly fine .