AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

[Postmanpatri]

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

She can do her teacher training later, and having children younger might even mean that she is able to progress her career further as the child/ren will be more independent

I shouldn't admit this, but - what the heck...

A relative in Cowdenbeath sold their ex-Coal Board house for much more than expected - the highest offer was a good whack more than anyone else was prepared to pay.

We couldn't understand how they got that price. Then all became clear - the buyer was from England and thought they'd got a bargain.

Similar happened to someone I knew through marriage: they were selling a house in "Kinker" - Kincardine o' Neill, as opposed to the one in Fife.

Now, that's an area where prices were pushed up by the oil industry at one point. They still got a better than expected price because the buyer turned out to be a retiree from England. (The house only had one owner at the point of sale.)

Yes, I've seen this with many female teachers - and I know several music teachers who fall into this category.

I can understand that you wouldn't have chosen that for her; however, it sounds as if she has her screwed on the right way. She sounds very mature for her age and sensible.

I can’t believe some of the snobbery embedded in some of these responses, OP. Congratulations to your daughter! This absolutely is not the end of the world. She can have the baby, be the mum she wants to be, then start her teacher training when she’s ready. There are plenty of opportunities in teaching to progress, if being a main scale teacher doesn’t pay enough/challenge her enough, but equally, it still offers a decent living (plus pension and holidays) if she just wants to stay in the classroom, especially if you live in an affordable part of the country. I had my kids late in life (37 -41) and I can say, hand on heart, that if I’d met the right person I would have loved to have had them earlier, had time at home with them and then focused on my career. I actually think there are huge advantages to doing it that way. You are rightfully proud of her achievements - and you’ll be equally proud of what a great mum she is and of your lovely grandchild once he or she is here.

I don’t think you need to be as worried as you are. She’s got her degree, that won’t change. She is married to a man she’s been with a long time who has a solid job that won’t get taken by AI in the future (I agree with PP that trade careers are now said to be one other best to go into). I had my son early twenties, admittedly I’d been in my career 2 years at that point but nonetheless I am so pleased I had him young rather than wait till late 30s like my friends. I was able to return to work whilst still young and forge a solid career and now our son is in his teens and my husband and I are not juggling babies in our 40s with higher-pressure job roles like our friends are because they had kids later (ie further into their careers).

To add to this I work in a different local authority to the one I live in and my commute is 20 mins door to door.
Not sure how we got onto this point but I always enjoy telling people about my short commute!

I had my first baby at 22. The child that derailed my career was the last one I had at 44!

I have a relation who works with large scale timber projects and its a lucrative business. I think some people on the thread don't have a feel for the value of making things. It's partly the way the country thinks.

A lot of variables here.

Pregnancy at this age does often mean poor outcomes.

But not always, and does seem like OP’s daughter might be one of the ones who makes it work.

I know two couples of note who have done this. All very high fliers.

One woman, got married/pregnant straight out of uni. Husband had just started in the police. He did all the odd shift work etc while she stayed at home with kids (they had another very soon after the first). She then went out to work in the corporate world and climbed the ladder very quickly while he did similar in the police. She was not very well liked at work, possibly due to her ambition, but it didn’t hold her back. They are now early 50s, he is retired on generous police pension, she is very high up in her job with lots of flexibility. Their kids have also had kids young, so they are young grandparents who do lots of childcare and lots of big family holidays. The kids don’t seem particularly bright but the parents have set them up in their own business’ so they are doing well and making money, albeit with a lot of help. They have a huge house with a lot of land and built properties for their kids on their land.

Another one, girl was heavily pregnant at graduation. Also closely followed by another child. She did similar and climbed corporate ladder when she started work and now in early 40s is absolutely flying as her kids are older and don’t need so much time/attention. The husband trained as a doctor when the kids were young.

So, two uncommon tales, but if anyone is going to do similarly it sounds like it might be OP’s daughter.

although as she says, she doesn’t need them to be spectacular. A lot of snobby comments on here but there’s a lot to he said for buying a nice, ex local authority home young for a good price, in an area you know, surrounded by family, and raising kids working at jobs you enjoy. Sounds pretty good to me.

Make sure he starts a pension for her now until she starts working.

They sound amazing young people! Lucky baby x

I think that's enough mumsnet for today! 🙄

You clearly don't know Scotland.
There are plenty of decent areas in Scotland where you can buy a 2 bedroom for £120k. We are selling a house at the moment and our buyer is selling a gorgeous 2 bedroom with a garden, on a lovely street in Glasgow for offers over £120k.
Earning £35k at 22 is a good wage here.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner My son will make far more money after graduating from a top uni with an economics and maths degree than I could ever have dreamed of as a teacher. There is no way on this earth he is going to be in privately rented at 45 because he can afford to buy! Yes of course his career is bound to be stressful at times, but it will also be very financially rewarding. It's worked for his dad.
I would also strongly encourage the OPs daughter to spend time in schools shadowing before she decide to become a teacher in today's schools. It may well put her off.

@ohyesiseethatnow you say uncommon but I really think this is one of those things skewed by circles and locations. I’m from a rural, affordable area, I admittedly was the youngest, but even then most of my friends were married by 26 with a child soon after. All went to uni and having a career of some kind. In my London circles it’s obviously much less common (actually can’t think of anyone I know at work married under 30).

I think it largely comes down to 2 things:

1. when you meet your partner and the quality of said partner
2. affordability of housing

If those 2 things are in your favour you can absolutely have a wonderful quality of life, I actually deem myself as very lucky to have been able to take the path I have done because now I’m based in the SE I realise what I did was actually not a viable option for many and I’m reaping the rewards of it at this point, while my similarly aged counterparts are in the thick of it. We all have to be in the thick of it at some stage!

This would upset me as well. However as long as she does go back and get a professional job, she can make it work. It’s just likely to be a lot harder doing those first early years of work where you have to put the time in to progress while having a young child…

@Minasama it is hard work but I can honestly say I’m a better person for it, taught me a lot about resilience, hard work and boundaries. Life is a piece of piss now I’m in my senior role with teenagers 🤣 genuinely seem to find life much easier than my colleagues and counter parts doing the reverse, I take things in my stride much more.

Just to say by better person I mean in terms of my own personal development.

Your son-in-law might be able to do ‘homers’ for extra income.

My son graduated last year and cannot find a job. He still works in a supermarket that he ported from his uni town to ours.

Be happy for them, you’ll have a beautiful grandchild shortly.

She has 40 more years till retirement if that helps to reframe things. She will be ok.
A little odd that she’s still living with her mum as a married and pregnant adult though I have to say.

Yes, fair point.

I got married at 22 just after uni to my school boyfriend who had dropped out of uni himself. Even his aunts told me I was an idiot because he didn't have a steady job.... and frankly my prospects were a bit wet and windy too...

Ups, downs, a bloody long wait to actually have kids, (shitty infertility and miscarriages), poverty, debt, disappointment (with selves and each other) at times...

But we just celebrated 30 years and don't regret a minute. He's sat opposite me right now, just farted, has no hair left on his head but it grows wild from everywhere else... much like my chin...

Everyone doubted us... we doubted us. But you know who was in our corner every time... both sets of parents. Even when they thought we were being dicks.

Be there for your daughter. Be ready to catch them if things go tits up. It might just work out!

Congrats on your grandbaby!

So baffled by these responses.

Why is it frowned upon by so many of you that the OP is proud of her DD. She studied for a degree, has found a lovely man to share her life with. Why is this not pride inducing? Do our DCs have to become Doctors or banking experts for us to feel proud? Teaching? Eww!

And as for living in a house that costs £120k - Christ - call the authorities immediately. How even could you?

Not everything has to be measured in a bloody fancy job or a big old house on millionaires row. The OPs DD and her husband sound like they have grown into decent human beings - frankly I think that's enough to be proud of!

Practically it's important your daughter checks her eligibility for SMP in her café job. It may well make more financial sense for her to keep that job and be entitled to SMP than leave it for teacher training where she won't have long enough service to get SMP.

Also important her husband looks at his eligibility for shared parental leave and pay - the Council might offer more than the statutory minimum so there may be financial sense in him taking some time off with the baby possibly while she goes back to some of her work.

A mortgage is going to be tricky because of the impact on earnings of her pregnancy and because some of her earnings are from self employment - they probably need a good broker to help them find the right thing.

If all goes to plan your mum gets a great grandchild and you get to be a grandmother relatively young.

It's not wrong to be surprised but this sounds like it's going to work out ok.