Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

My parents said pretty much that to one of my siblings. Their position is that they made enormous, huge sacrifices for their children (which country they lived in, which jobs they did, financial sacrifices to pay for private education and all the rest of it, on top of carrying the emotional toll (as parents) for their children’s “failures” in life (eg divorces, hospitalization for this or that, redundancies and work stresses etc). They planned to do all that for their children because we were their children and they chose to have us.

By the time grandchildren started appearing, they were older and wiser and more comfortably off. They felt a duty towards these grandchildren, their own children’s doings. My parents wanted to ensure they have the start in life my parents could afford them if we parents couldn’t manage it ourselves but more loosely, as they’re only grandparents. I think in the early years they saw those grandchildren as their responsibility in the sense that these babies were born to parents who they were responsible for, so if the parents were duds/married duds, it was their fault/responsibility. That tailed off over time as we all proved to be good parents by their reckoning, but it definitely started off that way.

If you ask them today, they’d say they love and enjoy their grandchildren much more than they do their children because they can enjoy their grandchildren without the burden of responsibility for them, and they can enjoy their childhoods / children-ness without having to worry about things like teaching manners and correcting behaviour and ensuring homework is done etc. That’s for parents to worry about.

When the step-grandchildren appeared, they were treated like neighbours’ children: politely, kindly, equally on a human level (feed one, feed ‘em all etc), but that’s it. They don’t feel, don’t want to feel any sense of duty or responsibility towards them. They have grandparents and parents of their own. They’re members of other people’s families, it’s not for them or on them
to take them on as one of theirs. Also, how could they? If even my sibling has to defer to the bio parents, what rights to my parents have? The corollary to no rights is no responsibilities. So, they’re nice and polite and kind and decent, but absolutely nothing like as good as they are to their own grandchildren. These step-grandchildren aren’t their grandchildren. They’re somebody’s else’s. If my sibling-in-law tried to “make” them treat them as such I think my parents would just laugh.

It would be different if those step-grandchildren had nobody in their life by my sibling and their spouse, and my sibling took them on as their children in all respects. In that case, my parents would absolutely, definitely treat them the same - probably better, knowing them, to compensate for the unfortunate start in life they’d have had compared to their own grandchildren.

These two girls are half-sisters.

You’re expecting the family of one half-sister to treat the other as one of their own, but you’re happy for the family of the other half-sister to just wave at the second sister once in a while and give her a souvenir.

So, this has nothing to do with the quality of these girls’ family relationships. You’re actively trying to make one of your children have more and better than the other. This is just about what’s under your nose that you’re having to deal with on any given day, and you want people to change and adjust depending on what you want to deal with or not deal with or any uncomfortable truths than you’d rather not acknowledge.

Why aren’t you angry and upset that your ex’s family have nothing to do with your eldest’s sibling? It’s like she doesn’t exist for them, she just gets the odd wave. How will that make your youngest feel, that her sister has this whole other life which she doesn’t even know about?

sorry OP. I agree with this.
Whatever the ins and outs are,
They've made their "point" loud and clear... and its clearly been discussed in detail with BIL and SIL but not with you.

Not only that, but having set their "boundary" ... they've now used this opportunity to go one step further and said very firmly that YOU need to create opportunities for your DD2 to see them on her own, continuing the exclusion of your DD1 from family events. (because its your job to accept their position, put up with this, and manage future opportunities, in their view).. teaching you a bit of a lesson there as well aren't they?

Now that they've spelled out their position, where does it end?
Will your DD 1 be uninvited from all future family celebrations? because it seems to me that if (in their eyes) her mere presence prevents them from fully enjoying their time with DD2, and if this is accepted then where will it end?

And your DH seems to be barely visible on this. Does he accept your DD1 as part of his own family unit or not? His views don't seem to be apparent.

This is a very sad read. I think it’s such a shame to exclude your eldest - she’s you and your DH family. Just feels mean to me. Hopefully your daughter gets holidays with your Ex and his extended family so she won’t feel she’s missing out.

This, and will it not be awkward when the girls are older, well yes Sara, I absolutely facilitated your relationship with your paternal grandparents, but Lucy, I actively stopped you having one with yours and didn’t care about you having one with Sara’s gps, as they didn’t treat Sara as I expected.

OP, are you the same poster who had a problem over a wedding in your husbands family ? Either your eldest daughter wasn’t a bridesmaid like her sister or she wasn’t invited to the wedding? You have a very similar writing style.

Very thoughtless. Kindness costs nothing. I personally wouldn’t have let either child go away. Not because i expect anyone to look after my children ( especially if they don’t actually want to) but because they are sisters first and foremost and I want to treat them the same.One of my grandchildren has a stepfamily that they adore, probably because they have always treated them like all the other children and are warm and loving. It’s such a relief to see .

Yes I was wondering too .

I think it’s sad for all the children. The more caring people they have in their lives the better. In 15 years time your eldest and one of the cousins may be or have been best friends. They have the little sister as a connection forever. Creating bonds and memories and having time to create a lasting friendship is important and as I parent I never know when my kids may need this future friendship. I think it’s shortsighted.

The eldests father - yes it would be nice if he took both girls out but also odd as he is unlikely to develop a relationship unless he spends time with the youngest girl (which I asume doesn’t happen as you are separated) so at what age would he start inviting both? 2 months, 2 years, 6 years? A habit has been created where big sister goes overnight and little sister stays home and there has never been any other way. I would like to think if big sister now said ‘hey dad can little sister come to the zoo too’ he would look to take her.

Whereas big sister has always been there for little sister.

I agree . How awful of the afults involved. I think it would put me off the DH to be honest

That’s beautiful and I’m so glad my dgc benefits from the same type of step family. They have all ( grandparents and aunts) treated them the same as the biokids from the beginning and the kids are just all cousins together .
I love them for it.

This is where it gets problematic. Because she isn’t - as a matter of fact, she isn’t. And insisting that she is doesn’t help in this sort of situation really doesn’t help matters; OP’s in laws clearly don’t want to pretend that she is. Much better to focus on how to move forward with the situation that actually exists and try to work out what is in the best interests of both girls.

Of course there’s nothing Op can do about her in-laws being horrible people who think it’s ok to shun a child, but I don’t see what’s wrong with acknowledging that that is in fact the reality. Not just “the step child isn’t related to them” of course, that’s a fact nobody needs reminding of. But it’s also a fact that the in-laws are making a choice to treat her this way, and it isn’t necessary to do so.

I find it odd, and sad, given how long you've been together.
When my mum got married I was 4. our family grew by far more than one person. I was treated no differently than my (half) brother and cousins and now my child is treated the same as everyone else's too.

That story about the concert is horrible. It's not about grandfather watching child - he took grandchild away from watching her sister. He's acting like he's prefer her sister didn't exist.

So, my line would be that anything where we spend time as a family, grandparents are not involved. If they want time with younger daughter without her sister, then their time with younger daughter would be limited to time we're not together as a family - so basically the odd bit of childcare or the very rare times I'm prepared for her to be away from us. You'll never really be integrated into your grandchils's family life because you've chosen not to respect our family.

Your children have different relatives. It’s just a fact that comes with having children with multiple men.

If you wouldn’t expect youngest child to be invited along when eldest does something with her other side of the family why would you expect eldest to be invited when youngest does something with her other side of her family?

Why aren’t you up in arms because eldests relatives don’t treat her sibling like their family yet you’re offended that youngest relatives don’t treat her sibling like family?

a lot of double standards.

Why are you expecting all these people to cater for children they are not related too. Its wierd

It’s only her youngests paternal family she (and the similar posters…) has this expectation from, her eldests absolutely shouldn’t have any regarding her youngest…

Perfectly said.
Forced relationships never work, your ILs are already treating her well and are kind. They dont need to be acting like grandparents, that's not their role in her life and they clearly dont feel it. Nothing wrong with that, most people wouldnt in these circs. As per PP, highly doubt your DD sees them as "grandparents" either. They're not.
Bet you'd be expecting they include her in their wills though, and she gets far more inheriting from 3 sets of GPs, whereas her sister and sister's cousin from just 2. Just like you expect her to be gifted an extra holiday now.

I think the OP and her DH were only expecting it because the MIL said they would take “all the kids”. So that sounds like they meant “all the kids”. Of course if that’s what you think someone meant you would feel a bit of a sting to find out that actually they want to specifically exclude your eldest. Along with the FIL taking the youngest DD away from a performance by her sister. I can’t imagine why anyone would do this. It certainly crosses the line from “expecting in-laws to cater for step children” when there is no catering involved, just sitting in a chair to let one sister watch another sister’s performance. Seems pointedly like trying to break their relationship apart. But that’s fine apparently, as long as you’re not trying to “force anyone” or “expect anyone” to be nice.

And that’s a very interesting comment about inheritance and what I always privately think is behind people’s desire to exclude step children. Thank you for voicing it.

So your younger child isn't included with the older child's paternal family and that's fine by you as you don't facilitate it but you think your older child should be included with your husband's family. In that case Yabu.

ILs sound mean. For the bad mouthing as much as the holiday situation. It sounds like the children are also hearing it at home, with that Not your Grandfather comment.

I wouldn’t allow my eldest around them alone any more. Under no circumstances would I send her away with them for an extended time (I know you already decided that for this holiday) I would spoil her at home myself, maybe some nice 1-1 time after the music camp.

I would also leave it to DH to facilitate time with family for your younger DD, and make sure DD1 has a nice time with you when DH and DD2 visit his family.

And finally, I would work hard to ensure your girls have a strong bond with each and with you.

I feel for you, that was quite a nasty situation to deal with, to find out your DD1 wasn’t welcome at in-laws. You are handling it correctly. But I know you must be feeling awful about it. Much better that you know about it and keep your DD1 away from them.

Adoption is VERY different though, you clearly didnt have your biological father in the picture and lived exclusively with your adoptive parents.
It's quite ugly and awful actually in these circumstances that his family didnt welcome you in. Though you feel fine about it, I'm sorry you didn't have a better experience x

Why is it unbearable? Your dd has her own dad and paternal family. Do you send your youngest dd along when your ex wants to see your oldest dd?

You are being massively unreasonable to consider depriving your youngest dd from contact with her grandparents over this. She is the one being short-changed here.