Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

Awful, but this is the family you married into and the man you chose to have a second family with.

I think you have sadly chosen poorly and it is your eldest who carries the cost, no matter how innocently it all happened.

It would absolutely break my heart to see my child othered like this.

Threads like these are the reality that so many women never consider when the embark on looking for another relationship, that includes having more children.

I think it is even more stark when the othered child is an only child.

I would 100% focus on your eldest while the youngest is away and make it as lovely as possible.

Watch her favourite movies in the evening, go to a movie, cook all her favourites and let her choose her favourite ice-creams and movie treats.
Thats all you can do going forward.
Use this 1 on 1 time wisely so that it becomes something she enjoys.

What horrible people your in laws are and your husband sounds weak.

@MarieBaronelovechild My ex has nothing to do with my youngest apart from waving at her occasionally and once handing over a present his sister has bought her when they took eldest to Portugal, which was nice of her.

Your youngest child's family have much more to do with your eldest than just waving at her. Why do you have these double standards? Your youngest child has as much right to spend time alone with her father's family as your eldest does with her father's family.

Your eldest went on holiday with her father's family, your youngest didn't. Your youngest's father's family is now taking her on holiday.

You are favouring your eldest by allowing her to have her own relationship with her family but also trying to force unrelated people to treat her differently than you expect eldest's unrelated family to treat your youngest. If you want fairness then start insisting eldest's father must also always take your youngest.

Well that’s not really true. My parents both prefer 1:1 time - and actually, I make sure to have a decent amount of 1:1 time with my kids. They are different ages and have different likes and it’s lovely to focus in on what they want instead of constantly compromising.

I genuinely don’t understand why there’s no expectation for the other grandparents to care about the youngest and lots of expectation the other way.

@MarieBaronelovechild what are your thoughts on what wrote @Zippedydoobaah wrote ?

Are the eldest child's father's family also horrible people?

Oooh, such a clever ‘got ya’ 🙄🙄

The OP is not related to her ex’s family, does not spend time with them, and therefore it makes
sense that her other child does not have a relationship with them.

her eldest has been in her in-laws lives for 7 (I think) years!!! She is the daughter of their daughter in law.

To all the 62% of posters on this thread who are blithely telling the OP that it is OK for extended family to exclude a child: would you also align yourself with the tiny 4% minority on the below thread who feel that the OP, a daughter-in-law being excluded in much the same manner, is unreasonable?

And why do you think the percentages are so vastly different?

Aibu to be hurt? | Mumsnet

And if this one also ends in divorce, the current ILs will have nothing at all to do with @MarieBaronelovechild's eldest child.

Between a family portrait that excluded the eldest (step) child, a christmas event for the father's family only, a tiara that was a family tradition and this ... if the ILs were so awful they'd already be divorced.

I have never heard anyone irl or read anyone on MN saying their parents or their partners parents are taking one out of the full-siblings on holiday. Or one of them invited for a party, or a wedding or all the other things people actually exclude their step-relatives from. Of course parents and extended family often try to make sure to connect with each child individually, but you can still do that when another child is around having attention from someone else.

There are plenty of step families that are just welcoming. They very likely still love their “real” children or grandchildren or whatever more, and the step-children very likely still feel this. But why do certain people still seem to think it’s acceptable to actually rub the faces of these children in their lack of feeling or empathy towards them? Because “they don’t have to” put any effort in and nobody can “force them”. I just can’t get my head around it.

And do you mean the eldest grandparents caring about the youngest? Because I think this has been covered plenty already: the youngest is not in their lives or their family. If someone fostered a child, they’d be part of the household. You include them because of that. Who is harming to include these children?

And people always say: nobody asked for that child/relationship, but you could literally say that about any grandchild or niece or nephew - it’s never your decision for someone else to have children. That doesn’t make it normal to shun them. I mean, nobody can force you not to, but why would you?

You are assuming that the ILs have more than a cordial relationship with OP.

Her eldest daughter is not related to her step father's family. Just because he chose to marry a woman with a child, doesn't mean his family have to accept that. For all you know this family was very against the marriage in the first place and made it clear they wouldn't be accepting a step grandchild/niece/cousin. The adults made the decision and OP and her husband had another child when it was already clear that the eldest was not accepted. This not wanting to take the 9 year old on holiday isn't a sudden change.

It would be one hell of a drip feed for the OP to suddenly mention that her husbands whole family were vehemently and vocally against their marriage 🤣🤣🤣

What kind of person says “I don’t care if you want to marry this woman and take on care for her child. I don’t accept it and you can’t make me” - I mean that’s essentially what they have done, but can you explain why you think that’s reasonable behaviour?

Yes it wouldn’t be the surprise it appears to have been would it?

Oh of course nobody on MN ever drip feeds 🤣

I would be shocked if these ILs had included the eldest child in everything for the last 7 years and have now suddenly said they don't want to take her on holiday.

IMO from the OP it sounded more like she was annoyed that she wasn't saving money on music camp and having ILs pay to take both children on holiday.

Well, she’s updated that she’s not going, so I’m pretty sure the biggest issue for her is her daughter, not money saved.

She said her DH’s reason for sending the youngest was to save money. She was quite clearly upset about the rejection.

Tbh it would affect my view of them all. I wouldn’t want to overly put myself or my oldest in any position where we aren’t wholly accepted, so I think I’d be backing off slightly and leaving dh to see them more often on his own with only the youngest. On occasions when I do see them, I’d be cordial and polite, but it would be a very superficial relationship going forward and I wouldn’t put myself out for them.

This is exactly what the IL’s want so makes sense all round.

OP - did they clarify on what they expected going forwards regarding seeing your youngest alone? What does your husband say about that?

I didn't say it was reasonable but you can't police other people's feelings nor can you force them to accept your choices.

I am adopted, my dad never treated me differently but his family did. I wasn't their blood relative and that was their choice. It was never an issue as a child nor is it an issue now.

My family has some non blood members and children raised by adults who neither birthed nor sired them including one of my boys. Plenty who also have nothing to do with the people who did give birth to them too. Families are complicated and blending them increases that.

Brilliantly put

This is awful. And so is the grandchild telling her it's not your grandpa. I'm not sure I could stomach being around your DHs family at all as they sound awful. They've known your daughter since she was three and are acting like she's a nuisance.

When I married my husband, I already had two boys and my husbands family have treated them the same as the children I went in to have with my husband. All of my children are part of our family unit and for them to be excluded at events etc would have been unacceptable. My youngest children did not spend any time with my ex's family (why would they as I didn't socialise with them any more) so they were never invited to do things with their older brothers but that was because they didn't know them where as my oldest spent lots of time with my husband family for years before I had my other children and to exclude them would have been very hurtful as they are part of our family unit. My husband is their step father and has more contact with them, than their biological dad.

One thing all these type threads have in common is the expectations of the woman that her eldest, unrelated to the husband, be treated as family by her husband's extended family and that they should provide, whether it be holidays or activities or forced friends. They never complain about their own parents not being as involved. There's always an excuse.

I will give it to OP here, she's really open that she expects her in-laws to provide for her eldest as well as her youngest to save her money, time, and stress. I also suspect that's part of the pushback from her husband's siblings.

Now she's going to have to find something for her eldest to do instead of dropping both kids off at her SIL's because there's a child the same age. That doesn't make them automatic friends and that also might be where some of the issues are arising.

The extended families aren't blended. You have your two daughters and your husband, the youngest is a part of husband's extended family and the eldest isn't. That's your reality.