Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

Only if you have a limited imagination.

Problem often crops up once a shared child comes along.

Ops dd2 is only 4 so just about the right age for differences to start showing up more and more.

It’s the risk you take when you decide to make a blended family and not something you as the existing parent should go into blindly just thinking the extended family will fall into what you think should happen.

I think YABU, if I’m honest. Your daughters father is involved, so it’s not as though your DH is acting as her father, he’s her step-father. It’s ok for his family to treat her as his step-child and not view her as his biological child. By your own admission they treat her kindly. This sounds good enough to me.

when you say “know you know what they really think”- what do you mean? Are your expectations that they view your elder child as their grandchild in every way? You can’t really mandate that. I suspect what they think is that she is their sons/brother’s step-daughter, not their grandchild/niece, and that’s a reasonable distinction to make, given she has her own father/paternal family present in her life.

I’d also be interested to know if your expectation is that your younger daughter to be invited to every family event/holiday with your daughters father/wider family on her father’s side? If she’s not, are you going to prevent your elder daughter going to those events/time with family/ family holidays? If not, why not? Because it amounts to the same thing. If it is a demand for your younger daughters family- or they don’t get to see her- it should be the same rules for your older daughters family. I very much doubt you have that expectation of your elder child’s paternal family- unless you do, I think you are somewhat hypocritical.

They are not her grandparents- they are step-family and I think it is ok for them to have time without your older child. Your eldest daughter has her own paternal family, your younger daughter has a different paternal family. They do not need to be included in everything the other does with their respective family on the paternal side.

I can’t speak for everyone but I am very much in the this is wrong party .
But my dc were treated differently by pil, it was a different situation and I was fine with it.

exactly. People don't argue that by marrying someone you then consider their family exactly the same as your own - i.e. if you would go shopping for your wedding dress with your mother or have her visit you immediately after birth and help you breast feed or shower if you're struggling, it's only fair if you do all those things with your mother in law too, or if you'd go to a spa or on holiday with your sister it's mean if you don't invite your sister in law, or if you share an interest in a specific sport with your dad you should also go on a weekend away to watch it just you and your father-in-law.

do YOU invite your MIL every time you meet up with your mum?
SIL when you have a catch up with your sister?
You and your FIL spend much time going out for a coffee or to a footie match just the two of you as you might with your dad?
Do you hang out 1 on 1 with your partner's grandparents?

I wouldnt go out with dm and mil or dil and dsis because they don’t know each other or have a relationship. I have gone out with just mil, just sil and sil and mil together tho. I’ve also visited dhs dgp with out him!

Crucially does your eldest have grandparents she sees, do they do special things with her and do they include her younger sibling? If not then why should the step grandparents include her? I can see your point but it comes down to whether she has other family really

I haven’t seen anyone here saying your feelings should be exactly the same or even necessarily your treatment. But when you’re talking about young children, what difference does it actually make? None of them are your children whether they’re nieces, nephews, cousins, grandchildren - none of them are “yours”.

I think when it comes to step children, they already know you don’t love them as much. Why rub their face in it?

And fwiw, I love my best friend more than anyone in my family, and she’s about as biologically different from me as we could get. And my husband, who is obviously not related to me. Where are these weird “I love them more because we share genealogy” ideas coming from?

And in answer to your question: all those examples are adults. But if my DH died, I absolutely would take my DC round to visit him and I would even provide some level
of care into his old age which I won’t be providing for my own dad.

So your younger one cannot do anything not including your eldest but eldest can spend time with her biological father and his family without your youngest?

it’s horrible being in a blended family. You must have envisaged these scenarios - what did you think you will do?

Sorry @tokennamechange I just realised my answer wasn’t clear. I would visit my FIL if my DH died and provide care. I used to be very close to my SIL but she is no longer with us. She was included in meet ups with my DSis sometimes and sometimes I visited her alone. That’s not really the point though - the point is you may or may not get along with in-laws just as easily as you may or may not get along with your own family. But they’re adults. If I think an adult isn’t worth my time I don’t give it to them. I would treat children more charitably I suppose because they’re still growing and what have I got to lose?

I did this.

and after 20 years of being incredibly close to them all and making no difference between them and my brothers children I got divorced and never saw them again.

I won’t ever make that mistake again.

The child’s mums is the one with the hand grenade. If she would fuck up the family just because the GPs want time with their grandchildren, that’s on her. Stupid behaviour.

OP I can see why you are hurt. The comment from bil about never seeing youngest DD without eldest DD as somehow disrupting relationships doesn't bode well. On reflection as you have said your in-laws will treat your eldest DD well I'd send them both. Going forward I'd make it very clear to your in-laws that your DD's are sisters and if one is invited they will not go if other one is not invited. I'd also try to get DD1's paternal family involved a bit with her if you can. Bil sounds vile. I'd be giving him a wide birth.

They're little children for God's sake.
What's wrong with people these days? If their mother was a widow they'd have all the sympathy.
Personally I'd send both or not at all. The adults need to zip it.

I think it’s fine for them to want to take their biological grandchildren on holiday.
Your DC sees their dad regularly.

Your DD is entitled to go on holiday without her half sister. It would be wrong of you to exclude her from goung on holiday with her cousins.

Does your first DC see their cousins? Does your younger DD always go with them too?

If your thinking about doing what is best for the DC and not the convenience of childcare, I wouldn’t send my first DC knowing they’re not wanted boy would let the second one go with her family.

There’s a fairly similar thread ongoing at the moment, but a different family member excluded.

the responses were quite different 👀👀👀

@MarieBaronelovechild I appreciate you haven’t replied in a while and I don’t blame you. The lack of empathy on here for a 9 year girl is astounding. But I wanted to mention there’s a thread running that’s very similar to yours regarding a holiday but it’s the mother that’s been excluded rather than a child. It seems when it’s one of us it’s a different story. 97% of the responders agree it’s appalling that she isn’t included. They have offered much sympathy and kindness and have frequently pointed out the negative impact on children when one family is excluded/seen as less in the family.
the thread is called Aibu to be hurt? And the op is @notpartofthefamily
it’s interesting reading how it’s different when it’s a grown women and somehow more acceptable when it’s a young child. Like children don’t have feelings or something.

Ha I e just said the same! Funny how it’s different when it’s one of us isn’t it?

There are separate issues here. Mil offered to take them both on a break, still can and should this time. However there should also be opportunities in future for younger dc to spend time with her family and cousins without elder. As they get older I suspect this will happen naturally.

They have (I’m assuming) ever other weekend or there abouts to see their gold star, biologically related cousin whilst the SD is at her dads.

There’s also the possibility that as they get older, special biologically related girl picks up on her sister being othered, doesn’t like it and takes her own step back.

I’m sorry this happened but your reaction sounds like you are unable to process difficult feelings and have extended situations which are not the same (different people, though maybe a similar relatedness to you) in order to protect yourself.

People go NC with their blood relatives. Or drift apart from them if there wasn’t much relationship or they’re busy and young and don’t prioritise keeping in touch with older relatives. It’s entirely possible they wanted to keep in touch but were told it would be weird by all the same kinds of people who are saying it’s not weird to leave a child out because they’re “not family”.

We can’t really protect ourselves from grief (which is what you’re describing feeling over your step-nieces/nephews) by never developing any relationships with anyone.

It’s an argument that has come up on this thread a lot. What if they split up and you never see them again? You could say that about any relationship. Why bother with your SIL/MIL, you and your DH might split up and you’d never see them again. Why bother making friends at work, they might move on to other jobs and you’d have wasted all that time being their friend. Why bother with your own children? Thousands of children grow up go NC with their parents and where would that leave you?

It’s the same they are/are not family mentality that has led you to have NC with these people you are grieving for.

I was in this situation in both my mum's and dad's households and I cannot begin to tell you how damaging it is. It's all very well and good saying the eldest did has her own family/grandparents, but that isn't the point. When you are the 'outlier' person in a blended family the majority of times you aren't really wanted, nor considered part of the real family by others. Children pick up on this, even when family are friendly and welcoming. Sometimes it's small, subtle things that people don't realize. You end up feeling you are a segment in a Venn diagram of other people's families, but you don't have one of your own. I suspect the DH deep down feels this way, which is why he doesn't want to speak to his mum. His main concern in the matter is saving money, not his stepchild feeling excluded.
OTOH I understand families do not want or feel inclined to invest in a non bio family member the way they do with a biological one. This is why I swore as a child if I had children that I'd never have any that weren't with their dad. Blended families are usually not great and the adults generally deluded themselves into thinking it's working well, because they want the relationship to work.

I have a half brother who is older by eight years. He never felt included until he was an adult.