Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

100% step children basically never feel they belong in either house because they don’t and I don’t mean it harshly it’s just true. I’ve said before I’m a step child.

Once their parents get with someone else with children or have further children that don’t move around you’re just always visiting someone else’s family. The spare part that’s there but not there at the same time. A guest in their lives.

Even with amazing people all around you’ll always be the spare part because life goes on when your not there, when they have family moments without you because your at your other families house regardless of that being mums or dads house.

None of my friends who grew up in blended families would ourselves give our children blended families because despite our parents thinking it all worked great it didn’t and doesn’t. Rose tinted glasses and children that don’t want to hurt their parents feelings.

I don't think that is the issue here though is it..

It's like making it known you are having a girls day for "all the women in the family".. then it transpires that the invite doesn't include your stepsister as she isn't blood related.. she is still a woman in your family.. so of course that would seem hurtful as an after-the-fact exclusion.

I think it is the fact they made it known they were taking 'all the kids' on holiday but then said, actually OPs daughter isn't included.. she is a "kid" who is a permanent part of the family, so the PIL should have been more bloody specific!

They don't have to take her, of course they don't, but telling them you're taking all the kids away, then having to say SD doesn't qualify is an atrocious thing to do to a child.. thankfully MIL realised the error and has no intention of saying anything or excluding her now seeing as it was their error.. it's only BIL being a prick about it.

I so agree with this.
It's the harsh reality for so many.

Women choosing to have a second relationship and have children in it, need to fundamentally realise and own, the fact that it is THEY that are deciding to create this new reality for their first children.

That is why so many reared in this no mans land scenario, feel so strongly about not recreating it in their future.

You cannot control other people and their reactions to your new family unit.

In-laws are under no obligation to accept your existing children, and from MN it is clear from posts, basic courtesy and kindness if often the best case scenario.

Many include and tolerate, but don't really feel obliged to accept them as their own.
That is their choice.
If they are kind and largely inclusive, you are very lucky.

But for many children they do feel just tolerated, however kindly.

In choosing to have a second relationship and another child, the OP has ultimately created this situation, no matter how unpalatable.

I can 100% understand and respect when women reject this because they wish to put their existing child/children first.

My MiL did not invite my daughter, she said kids not grandkids but my husband misinterpreted. Rather than clarify my MiL vented to BiL and SiL but came down on being willing to include her not happy to include but willing in order to help us out.
.
My DH has spoken now to SiL and this has been confirmed.

DH did not want to speak to his mum but now has. She reiterated that she was still willing to take her to help us out. . She also said it might be good if younger one could be included more with cousins without eldest.

I am refusing now to let eldest go.

NEITHER child knows about this thankfully. The reason is youngest would start packing and she would ask questions constantly.

The youngest will be going.

Someone called me entitled because I think in-laws should help us out occasionally. I don’t think I am but I suppose the outcome is the same.

My ex has nothing to do with my youngest apart from waving at her occasionally and once handing over a present his sister has bought her when they took eldest to Portugal, which was nice of her.

So youngest will go to Bond with cousins while eldest won’t have my undivided attention but will be in a camp from 8:00 to 5;30.

This camp has a concert on Friday afternoons where the children demonstrate what they have learnt during the week.

The youngest go first, there is a short break then elder groups go. Grandpa came with a grandchild and at the interval left taking my youngest with them and didn’t stay another 30 minutes to see eldest play. We met them later in a cafe. DH did think it was a bit thoughtless but again didn’t challenge.

They clearly have no interest in your eldest and no real love for her, either.

I wouldn't do that. And I do think it's very strange given how long they've known her. BUT...you can't do anything about their actions, only your own. If it's bothering you that much you need to decide how things will be going forward. You can't force them to want to provide holidays, or childcare, or stay to see her concerts.

Your options need to be either grinning and bearing the distance and accepting the status quo in the hopes that your dd won't be upset by it going forward, or you need to put distance between them and your nuclear family thereby ensuring that youngest has less of a relationship. More to the point, you need to know that DH is on board with whatever you want to do because he doesn't seem all that bothered by it!

I feel for you and your daughters. IL's have shown you who they are and you can now deal with it in the open. Your youngest daughter does not need time alone to bond with cousins, the bond with her sister is more important.

Does your oldest DD get along with her sister's cousins? You have mentioned that one cousin has be encouraged to play with her (so doesn't sound like they actually want to) and now MIL has asked to sometimes see their grandchild and her cousins without your oldest. It sounds like there could be some pressure from the cousins too.

Now that is rubbish! Of course the younger child is entitled to have a relationship with her cousins. I am sure OPs oldest have a separate relationship with her extended family too. Anything else would just be selfish and cruel.

Your updates show they had no real interest in her other than politeness. Tbh I’m quite baffled that you were surprised she’s wasn’t invited, given your updates. They’ve made it quite clear where they are. I think you’ve just hoped for more.

These posts really are always the same.

Someone used the word gravitate. The one who is virtually the same age does not gravitate towards my eldest and is never encouraaged but I wouldn’t say that they don’t get along.

As for my youngest having less of a relationship with her family, that wouldn’t rock with my husband.

Maybe I could engineer it when eldest is with her dad.

Wow, over reaction. I didn't say she shouldn't have a relationship, just that it didn't need to occur separately. My relationship is more important with my half sister than with any cousin and I'd be really upset if anyone tried to degrade that.

You keep mentioning they are not encouraged to, do you think they should be?

9yo’s usually work out who they get on with themselves.

@MarieBaronelovechild the adults all need to sit down together and talk this through.

Surely its obvious in laws want to take their grandchildren away, which doesnt include your older child.

Are you never going to let your child see grandparents without forcing a step grandchild on them? Yabvu.

I'm not sure what this would achieve at this stage. You can't really 'talk through' them seeing her differently and not wanting to include her.

@MarieBaronelovechild I think your idea of engineering their contact around your eldest's time with her extended family is probably a good shout though of course it won't always be possible!

No, you said: Your youngest daughter does not need time alone to bond with cousins, the bond with her sister is more important.

That is a very controlling and problematic thing to say. She definitely needs to be allowed to form her own relationships within her family without having to take sides. Should she just refuse to see them if her half-sister is with her dad's family for that weekend? Should her dad never be allowed to take just his DD to see his family?

Sorry OP, I think this is gross.

This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me, and I would seriously think about my relationship with them going forwards.

This is discusting. If she didn’t live with u then I would totally understand but she obviously (well should)have the same relationship with your in laws as your other kids. I’d not let any of them go and tell her it will stay that way untill they are treated equal. But then I can be a arsehole.

Did her dad and his side of the family attend?

I'm not going to derail this thread, I said that the youngest doesn't need to see the IL's by herself to build a relationship.

Agreed. Someone pointed out earlier on that if the siblings are full siblings, extended family don’t insist on seeing them separately in order to see them “properly”. It’s just an excuse to try and justify being mean to a child.

They were perhaps a bit thoughtless to take your younger DD away rather than her staying to watch her sister, but I don’t see why they are obliged to stay to watch elder DD. I wonder how your eldest views your DH’s parents? I mean, does she see them as her grandparents? If not, why do you want them to act like her grandparents? Does your eldest DD notice/care about any of the things you are getting her up about? Just be careful your feelings aren’t impacting on her if she would be otherwise unbothered.

I think it might help to consider why you expect your younger child’s grandparents play a grandparent role in your elder daughters life, but don’t expect the same from your elder daughter’s father/family and are happy for them not to play any sort of role in your younger daughter’s life. Both families have the same biological relationship to each child, respectively, yet you expect one child to be effectively adopted as another grandchild but are happy for the other to have no relationship at all with the other family. The only difference is that you have majority custody of your eldest (I assume).

If your eldest is invited on holiday with her paternal grandparents and cousins, would you be happy for her to go without your youngest (leaving aside the lack of relationship with her)? If so, then you have to accept the reverse. When you blend families, you can’t just decide how everyone should feel about each other. You have said that your in-laws are kind to her, they don’t have ti become her third set of grandparents to be acting fairly.

For example, my parents paid for my nephews driving lessons, but not for my siblings step-child’s (the latter being the elder)- because they are not the step-child’s grandparents, they are the the step-father’s parents and that is not the same thing. And, they have their own family from which to receive larger gifts. I don’t think anyone would have expected them to give such a gift- they are kind and they are invited/included in most events and so on, but not treated exactly the same. If a family want to have that relationship, and the parents/step/parents and child are all comfortable with that, then it’s also fine.

Agree with PPs who have said that the relationship between your DDs is more important than that of DD2 and cousins, and possibly more important than GPs too, since her half-sister is likely to be in DD2's life for much longer.

Is it possible to speak to the ILs, explaining that whilst they are not family to DD1, DD2 is a blood relative of DD1 and these exclusions could be very harmful to the important and ongoing relationship between the two girls. Even if you and DH were to split in the future and DD1 never saw ILs again, the two girls would still be half-sisters and their relationship should continue for life.

I would be honest with the ILs and explain the hurt and division that actions such as walking out of the concert can cause. The situation isn't ideal but I would hope that you all could work together so that the relationship between DD1 and DD2 is nurtured and preserved. It wouldn't have killed the GF to stick around for a while at the concert. Maybe you should also be doing more to ensure DD1 is busy with her other family (or chosen activity if no family available) at times that would allow DD2 to be busy alone with hers.

You need give and take on both sides before the girls themselves start to notice and the bond between them is permanently damaged.

Your in laws are heartless people. You are doing the right thing not allowing your eldest daughter go when she isn’t welcome.