Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

How is your relationship with your ex? I would send both DDs this year and see if MIL enjoys having her there and changes her mind. It sounds perfect with DD the same age as BILs child who might not want to just play with younger children.

If not I would try and get ex to arrange something that clashes so DD doesn't miss out.

I’d be really upset about this. You haven’t mentioned their ages? I’d ask husband to clarify this with his mum. I wouldn’t fall out over it but if she didn’t mean your eldest then I’d stop both from going on the trip. Your BIL is actually being quite horrible by standing by this too, I’d take that to mean that your eldest isn’t welcome at their home too, so not just the trip. I’d stop all visits and the holidays too. Use holiday club and say nothing to the children unless they ask.

It'd be a big fat "thanks but no thanks" from me OP. I have an older half sister and, had anyone tried to treat her like this I'd have told them to get lost myself.

Would that work the same if the oldest DDs dad is taking her away too? That OPs two children can't be separated so that the oldest DD can't do things with her side of the family by herself?

I wouldn’t have assumed “grandchildren” included your eldest who is not their grandchild. If your eldest paternal GPs said they were taking their GC away, you wouldn’t assume they included your youngest in that category would you?

My DH will not ask MiL. I do not think BiL is lying though.

DH insists on youngest going with parents and cousins as it will be nice but principally to save nearly £400. Both kids go to same club but it is £320 for eldest. He thinks that I am mad to not save this money.

My DH will not ask MiL. I do not think BiL is lying though.

DH insists on youngest going with parents and cousins as it will be nice but principally to save nearly £400. Both kids go to same club but it is £320 for eldest. He thinks that I am mad to not save this money.

I wouldn’t assume grandchildren meant your eldest. Surely she has her own grandparents.

I think it was wrong to assume oldest was invited. She had her own grandparents and father to holiday with.

Sounds like the family very very rarely get dd2 without dd1 always being there.

I would keep them both back; they are being unfair and unkind towards children. Screw them.

Don't make your life difficult and deprive the children of a holiday. Let them go with MIL etc this year and see how it works out. Just ignore BIL your MIL is happy to take all of them

My initial reaction is to agree that it is a bit of a shitty attitude towards your daughter. But how shitty probably depends on how well they know her and how long she has been in their lives. Because surely, at a certain point she just has to be treated like the other grandchildren. Feels mean to try and exclude 1 child.

But your eldest daughter IS a relative! She is your youngest daughter's sister. Your 'Inlaws' attitude is crass to say the least! We have 6 grandchildren in total - 5 in one family - 3 of those are our 'bonus grandchildren' - we treat them ALL the same (same birthday/christmas present amount and ALL have savings accounts set up by G'dad) They are all related by being brothers or sisters (hate this 'half' expression). I only wish we had the chance to take them all away as one big group - our eldest is so good with the youngest but geographical at present we can't.

Does your eldest have grandparents/ cousins on her dad’s side and does she get to see them without your youngest?

Sorry, can I ask what was meant about the eldest always being present?

is it as in you visit them on a Saturday, on a weekend when your eldest child is with you and not their father, they don’t want her to come along?

Agree. And the older child has a father on the scene, the DH hasn’t taken her on “as his own”. The PILs aren’t obligated to include her, though it’s nice if they do it should be considered a bonus not an expectation. The expectation should be that only their GC would be included

This changes it a bit for me…because 1 how many kids can MIL handle, and 2, your daughter would be going away with people who are not at all related to her by blood (except half sister).

I did just side on YANBU though. Because it’s a 9 year old who won’t understand why she would be getting left out. I wonder whether this could have been handled better by having a family holiday rather than kids and GPs

Longer term I'd worry that your younger one will feel resentful if it becomes apparent that they've had to miss out on things with their family because you aren't happy about the older one not being included. In this particular case though you could say that you feel the 4 year old is too young to go away so long without a parent.

Does your youngest have to be included in everything your eldest does with her father and his side of the family?

I think it's reeasonable for MIL to take the youngest only.

Your eldest has her own paternal family. Do you expect them to take your youngest as she is part of the family too? You haven't answered that question because the answer is probably not.

As long as your husband treats your oldest daughter no different. And his family is nice to her when they do see her. I think thats all you can expect from them. I think it would be cruel to deny your youngest daughter time with her grandparents and cousins. She deserves a relationship with her paternal family just like her big sister has with hers.

“The In Laws’ behaviour to my eldest will be perfect but I know what they are thinking and it is unbearable.”

OP, you are making this into something it isn’t. Your ILs are being very reasonable, and by your own admission will be very nice to your elder DD - so let them. Even if you “know” what they are thinking, your Dd doesn’t - so leave it like that: let both your DD’s go, and use the money saved for a family outing with you, DH and the two girls. It’s not “unbearable” for DGPs to make a distinction between their DGC and step DGC. Will you, for example, insist that your ex takes your younger DD on holiday if he takes the older one, because that would not be reasonable, either. Just let your DD’s have their time away with the cousins, and worry about next year when it happens.

This argument is so silly.

OP, her husband, her eldest and the youngest are a family unit. They come as one.

I wouldn’t send my child anywhere they weren’t wanted.

How included I’d expect my child to be would depend on a variety of factors, but in reality I would not create a blended family as I lived through this bollocks.

The ops In-laws didn’t agree to play granny bountiful.

The ops dh may of agreed to play step daddy but his family owe her nothing more than politeness and the usual of gift/card at birthday/Christmas.

I’m so glad that there are much kinder people than that in the world. The version you speak of sounds utterly miserable.