Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

How old are the kids?

I think I would send her this year. You then have time to think about/discuss what happens next year.

Also, it would give everyone a chance to see how the dynamics work. They may turn out to love having your eldest daughter and it may not be a problem going forward. If not, and it turns out that she's left out/made to feel unwanted, you know where you stand.

Firstly you are hearing about Uk second hand, do you know what was actually said from the horses mouth.

I can see your point. But I think that your in laws have been very reasonable to say ok this year but can something else happen next.

Your daughter has her own paternal family...so what would be the case if they wanted to take just her away?

Your pil want to build a relationship with their grandchildren...they don't know if your daughter will even brother with them when she's grown up as she has her own family

3 weeks away from 9 which is same age as eldest ones of BiL and SiL and 4.

I don’t want to send her knowing what they think in their heads.

When BiL said next year he meant September. Academic year. He asked if eldest always had to be present. .

Is BIL having a bit of a stir?

If MIL has not made noises about not having all the children just ignore him.

Surely this is an issue with your BIL? MIL is happy to take your DD so I don’t really see what your problem is.

Do the two eldest children not get on? If they were great together it’s hard to imagine BIL having any issues?

Does the 4 year old want to go alone? Anyway if the eldest kids do get along I think I’d send them since the actual host has invited them.

I don’t think he is stirring. They are never horrible or anything but if we visit with just youngest there is marked happiness in their faces.

DH doesn’t want to speak to his mother but wants to speak to his sister!

If we go to sister’s house, her daughter isn’t encouraged to play or include my eldest who is same age.

Mil seems not to have invited eldest but my husband misinterpreted what all the children meant.

I believe what BiL says.

This. How well do they all know each other? Maybe ask your eldest if she'd like to go or not. She might prefer one on one time with you instead.

Thats is so sad for your daughter.

Does your dd9 want to go? If she’ll be upset not to go I’d let her this time and then have a think for next occasion…

Why is BIL going? He’s not a blood relation.

What an absolute wanker.

It's not clear if MIL initially invited your eldest, or only invited her/decided she was willing to take her after you spoke to BIL.

Does your eldest have involved GP on her Dad's side? Does she generally get on well with her step-cousins?

You'd be unreasonable to not let your youngest daughter go on the holiday - she deserves a close relationship with her GP and cousins.

Idbe tempted to speak to MIL myself about it - to find out if BIL is giving an accurate account and to see how welcome DD1 is on the trip.

BiL is DH’s brother.
SiL is DH’s sister.

Only grandchildren are going but DH thought that meant eldest as well.

I believe what BiL is saying. MiL told him that she didn’t mean eldest but feels obliged now.

DH doesn’t want to ask his mum anything.

Just send your eldest to music camp and your youngest with her family.

I'm a stepdaughter, and if my mother had had some of the crazy ideas about including me in her second dh's family that people have on here I'd have felt awful. And I have an excellent relationship with his extended family, which I consider vaguely family but not as much as for my siblings.

I think forcing fake equality in blended family relationships probably does more harm than good.

Personally I wouldn’t send any of the children this year. Your brother in law is making you feel your eldest is not welcome. I would however talk to my in laws and explain how you feel but I would not want my child my brother in law’s company. I would never cut a child/teenager.

The In Laws’ behaviour to my eldest will be perfect but I know what they are thinking and it is unbearable. While I have been typing this I have started to worry if any of DH’s nieces and nephews know about misunderstanding and will tell eldest but they are nice kids generally.

Only the kids are going. BiL, SiL and their spouses are not going.

I would do the opposite and send your eldest because they all need to learn (the adults & the nieces) that she is part of the family and she will be there with her sister whenever she wants to be.
I would not split my kids up. Keep them together whatever you choose

I would speak to MIL about what was said.
Clearly they dont consider your eldest a Grandchild which is such a shame but, as her parent you need to stand up for her and if her sibling and "the other grandchildren" are going then she shouldnt be excluded.
What a horrible situation for you to be put in.

How many children are going? Are there 3x 8 year olds and then your youngest? How far away are they going from home? Does your eldest consider your husband's parents as grandparents?

The question from your BIL asking if your eldest always has to be present is vile and he needs questioning on that.

Difficult one, I was told multiple times we were excluded from things because my children aren’t family and therefore it made it awkward to include us. Until THEY wanted to suddenly be a family for appearances- look aren’t we inclusive to step children. I protected my children from this nonsense. Ask nothing of them and give little in return but this was their decision to behave that way. They had a right of course they didn’t choose my children but they can’t have it both ways which is the stand I would take

What about her relationship with her own grandparents? Would anyone expect the younger one to be included in trips with them? If not, what exactly is the difference?
This is the problem with blending families. You can blend under your own roof but cannot reasonably expect others to do the same.