Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

Has anyone asked your eldest what she wants? Seems to be missing.

If she really wants to go, send her. If she is unsure or wants to stay, send her to music camp and tell her you will plan something special just you two for the weekend.

hmmm it's difficult. I have an eldest son from a previous relationship and he doesn't have any family on his dad's side just a half sister who he sees periodically. If my youngest (who has got grandparents and uncle and aunty on his dad's side) was invited to a holiday I wouldn't really expect my son to go too. My eldest does still see a lot of my partners family but sometimes my eldest will do things with my parents while my youngest goes to see my partner's mum. I know he's not a grandchild to my partner's mum and she does include him in like birthdays, Christmas etc but things like school photos and stuff go only to my parents as I think it would be weird for her to have photos of my son.. So i think it really depends on the family dynamics. It is fine for your daughter's to see their own biological grandparents alone sometimes. I tell my kids they have different dads and different families but I would never tell them they are only half siblings. In my home my partner treats my son as his own and that's enough for me.

Talk to your mother in law directly OP and get this sorted out. Id lean towards not sending my oldest where I felt she wasnt wanted...but then it might make oldest feel singled out. Its a tough situation alright 😪

They don't sound like nice people

I'm sorry

They just don't

Anyone who wilfully treats children like they don't exist, actively excludes them, wishes openly they weren't there ... not good people

It's not the child's fault ffs!

And where does eldest dd’s dad and paternal family fall into that then?
That kind of thinking just doesn’t work when you have a blended family

This is a tough one. Did mother in law say all kids or all her grandchildren?

It would kind to include your daughter - particularly as she has been part of the family for five or more years. But you can’t force your MIL to consider her a grandchild.

The main thing here is your daughter - what is the best outcome? How would she feel if she didn’t go? How would she be treated if she did go? Would the adults actively parent her, make her feel welcome and equal?

Yes, that struck me.

For goodness sake. The expectations some people have of extended step families is nuts. Eldest has a mum and a dad, and presumably extended family on each side. Not allowing your youngest to spend time with her dad’s side of the family without her sister is completely unfair and will cause resentment in the years to come. Your in laws should be kind to your eldest but they are not obliged to treat her like a grandchild because she isn’t one.

To answer your question, I wouldn’t send eldest. Let youngest have some time with her cousins and stop trying to shoehorn her sister into your DH’s family.

They come as one

Except the child has a Dad of her own, who presumably has a family. They would only “come as one” if the DH was her only father figure

Explain how its silly? Why is the new partners family expected to take on a child but the old partners family exempt? Thats their granddaughters /niece's sister but no one bats an eye when they dont include the youngest in family holidays, days out, events. Its the same thing.

So the oldest daughter gets to have a meaningful relationship with her paternal family but the youngest daughter doesn't?

Im a single mother myself and I would never expect a new partners family to consider my children their family. Because theyre not. Its an unrealistic expectation to put on people. Like i said as long as my partner treated them well and their family was kind to them, thats all that matters. Stop forcing your children on people.

It’s great if they want to but they don’t have to.

It’s wrong of people to expect their in-laws to do more than that.

It’s bad to lead your child to believe they are owed something from them as well.

I say that as a step child. My life would have been much worse if my mother has of installed a sense of entitlement of my expectations on my siblings larger family rather than my deadbeat father and his family.

The ops older child seems to have a father and extended paternal family who are involved. Let her younger daughter have some of the very same alone time with her extended as the older gets with hers.

It's not silly though. I agree that they are a family but that doesn't have to extend to those who haven't made that choice. OPs oldest DD has an involved dad and he has a family that she presumably sees and does things with without her younger half-sibling, so the younger sibling should also be OK to do things with her side of the family on her own, at least some times.

the eldest’s dad hasn’t blended with her mums family though, has he? They are two very clearly separate units.
I would expect that any further families he has created include the eldest too.

My daughters are Half sisters. I am not ashamed of this!

My parents help when they can but work full time.

All relationships with her father’s family are facilitated by him.

We have been separated for 7 years and in-laws have known her for nearly 6.

My daughter calls them by their first names. DH’s nephew walked in once and asked where boy cousin was and eldest said he was with grandpa and little boy pointed out that he wasn’t her grandpa. She didn’t mean that he was her grandpa.

My youngest daughter is nothing to my ex but my eldest lives with my in-laws’ son. I think she should be included in a holiday to help us out, give us time, save us money but above all save us stress.

My husband is sending my youngest and says it’s up to me about eldest but thinks I am mad not to send her and save the money.

I am inclined NOT to send her.

My MiL used kids not grandchildren. Age range 10 to 3.

Why won’t your DH speak to his DM about the arrangements?

how would you explain to your youngest that her sister isn’t going on the trip with her and her cousins?

Your SIL is an arse! She needs to realise your daughter is not going away, she IS part of the family! Adults can be sh*t sometimes.

Your family is and will continue to be a unit, I think you need to convey how this arrangement feels hurtful. As the older child myself with two younger step brothers, who were very much just my brothers day today, I’m so glad I was included and very much welcomed at paternal family events with them. I was never made to feel like there was anything strange about me being there.

this is the answer. just ring your MIL and ask her views.

I absolutely wouldn’t take your BIL’s word for it.

Your DH needs to speak to him mum to clarify things.

This is the answer. Just ring your MIL and ask what her view is of the situation - simple!

Well neither have MIL, SIL and BIL. OP and her DH has.

@MarieBaronelovechild your looking at it as helping you guys out.

I bet mil is looking at it as taking her grandbabies away for a fun time just her and them.

Two completely different views. Your oldest isn’t her grandchild and since she was looking at it differently doesn’t see your looking at it as a financial hand out during the summer.

I can't believe you'd go to all this fuss and not call her to actually talk to her. So far it's all hearsay and you've actually no idea what's happening.

Why will your DH not ask MIL for clarification?
Why would BIL mention it if the MIL had said she would take your eldest this time?
Why say "rethink next year"?
I can understand why you feel unnerved. They dont really want your eldest there for some reason and i wouldnt send my DD away on holiday with people who don't want her there (disclosure,i was your eldest DD and believe me you feel it and undermines your confidence and stays with you),are doing it under sufferance and want you to make sure it doesn't happen next year!
Your DH needs to ask for clarification to protect your eldest DD or you do.
If your MIL doesnt want your eldest DD there,there is no way on earth you should send her.
Its up to you and your DH wether the other children go under those terms.
If it were me,id let the children go and do something special with your eldest DD if possible.
As for the money saving aspect that would not make me put my DD through not really being welcome ......

@MarieBaronelovechild I would not let my youngest go without her sister. She's only four and away from her parents- she will feel more secure having her sister there.

Moving forwards I would let dh explain to his family that it's cruel to exclude kids and if that's what they want they won't be seeing any of them.