Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

@MarieBaronelovechild I think you're feeling understandably hurt and protective but I would caution you against taking BIL's version at face value.

You keep saying he's not lying and I don't think he is either. But it's entirely possible that MIL said to him "oh, I wasn't thinking of Eldest when I said I was bringing the kids away but it's fine. I'll be clearer next year." Still not great but not exactly nobody wanting her there.

You've said they'll be kind. And if you think she'll enjoy yourself and won't be mistreated then send her, I say.

That being said, I am surprised that they all see her as so separate given that she came into their lives when she was essentially a baby. She's grown up with them. I think it's a little more unusual that they're not just grandma and grandpa to her if she's been around since toddler-hood.

As you can see from this thread, you can't make people blend the way you'd like them to, and you can't force people to treat her or love her like family. It's not how I would do things personally but everyone's different.

Op doesn’t trump her dh and dh doesn’t trump op.

However what does that achieve? The daughter misses out on a fun holiday with her cousins because mum is grumpy that she won’t save on childcare costs?

Daughter finds out later on that she missed out on fun granny cousin holidays because older sibling who has holiday with her own dad wasn’t invited and mum threw a strop?

She isn't their relation, to them she's a random child, I don't see why she'd be included. She will have another set of grandparents and cousins on her dad's side, your youngest child won't be included in their family gatherings etc either as your child is no relation to them. If you have children with different dad's you can't expect people to pay for unrelated children when they are treating their grandchildren to a holiday.

I know someone with 4 children by 4 dad's imagine their grandparents taking all the other random kids away 🤣.

The youngest is unlikely to have a relationship with her sisters dad.
The eldest has been in these people’s lives since she was a toddler. She is part of their sons/brothers family. If they are only ever doing blood relatives presumably the op and sil/bils partners shouldn’t be included either.

What really complicates this is that OPs later posts show she has a problem not just with actions but feelings. That is, even if DD1 is included in an activity by PILs, them feeling differently about their bio and step children is an issue in itself. It becomes a much more difficult issue to manage if kind pretending isn't enough.

Really shit behaviour by in-laws.

totally get why you don’t want to send them.

how would you explain to your kids why they are no longer going?

Your in laws don't consider your oldest a grandchild. She's not. She has a different father and as long as they treat her politely, that should be fine. You can't change that viewpoint and resenting it will only make things worse for you and eldest. You say her dad is an involved parent. Are his parents around and involved?

They've asked her along this year and you've said they treat her nicely. Have a talk with MIL and say you've heard about some friction and what's up before deciding whether your older should go.

It also seems your husband's family would like to see your youngest by herself without your oldest being there. Facilitate that. Stop expecting your SIL's eldest to be an automatic playmate for your eldest. That's become a point of friction.

I think she should be included in a holiday to help us out, give us time, save us money but above all save us stress.

They're not obligated to help you with your eldest. They're being quite generous offering to take her. And you're salty because they don't see her as their grandchild but they should be saving you money and childcare and stress. No good deed comes to mind here....

Yes. A random kid that’s lived with their son for 5 years. Totally random.

Odd that they say it is affecting relationship with your youngest. Do they see other grandchildren, that have siblings, separately? Is it only if it is a half sibling that a relationship is affected? I’d be reluctant to send her if she could feel unwanted but it could be difficult to explain if already expecting to go. I’d probably take a step back from his family and DH can facilitate the relationship between them and your eldest.

Funny isn’t it. It’s never dad’s having problems with their wives parents and his children.

Always mothers expecting from their husband’s parents. Often more than they expect off their own childs father and parent. 🙃

From your OP and updates it is very clear that someone in your DH ‘s family openly views your DD1 as unwelcome. Why else would another child be so quick to point out that FIL is not her grandpa? Why else would BIL have private talks about mistaken holiday invitations.

Assuming your DD1 is well behaved then they sound like arseholes and I wouldn’t be sending DD1 away with MIL. I’d also be questioning whether I wanted any of my children to spend time with them.

Wish I'd written this. So sensible! Agree 100% 👌

Huh? I would expect any good parent, regardless of sex, to want their child to be involved and included as a family unit.

I don’t think anyone who is ok with their child being ‘othered’ is to be praised.

Doesn't her father cover half of it since he isn't available to provide childcare or take her on holiday either?

YABU to send a 9 year old where she isn't wanted. She has her own paternal family, or do you insist on sending your 4 year old with her to see her dad and his family?

How many kids would be going if including your eldest? At least 4 under 10 for 4 nights? That's a lot of work for in-laws. Can they get them all in one car?

I don't have a blended family so no first hand experience, but it does puzzle me that spouses are normally treated as part of the family but step children are not. I mean, in my experience spouses are not normally excluded from family events are they, but when it comes to kids it's a different story.
I would send the eldest unless she's not keen to go, it feels like she'd be missing out on fun time with her sister. And I would be having a chat with the whole family to try and iron this out, it's unlikely to be the last time this happens.
Eldest lives with you, lives with her sister and your husband, is fully your family. If the wider family don't see it the same way you have to accept that but at the same time they will need to accept that you won't allow any thing that could cause resentment or upset for your children.

They are not being othered are they. They are being treated for who they are.

Son’s wives child. Not grandchild. Not a cousin. Not a niece.

Men never seem to expect their in-laws to absorb their children like mothers do. They accept their child has their own mother and her family. It’s always always mum wanting their husband’s families to play second third grannies with zero differences.

You have to be realistic. These new husband don’t come with instant second extended families for your first children. They already have their own deadbeat or involved families.

Your eldest has her paternal family, it would be very weird of you to try and block your youngest child developing a relationship with her late to family be sure if the choices you made.

Your youngest child shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of the choices you made by bringing her into a step family. You are assuming that your eldest child wants to be treated like a grandchild to people who she isn’t related to when she may well rather not be forced to have a pretend family.

Your in laws also shouldn’t be forced to pretend that they feel the same about their step child as the children they are related to. It is so selfish when parents try to insist that other people accept, and pay for, their choices.

‘We never get to see the family without one of the family we don’t want to see there’ sure sounds like othering to me

So your mil is fine but bil isn’t? So crap for kids, it’s always an adult’s problem, the kids wouldn’t care, I doubt they think ‘oh I don’t get to see them on their own’ that’s honestly probably made up or they grabbed hold of something the kids said

No more than I’d like to see my parent without my sibling always having to be there either 🤷🏻‍♀️

My youngest daughter is nothing to my ex but my eldest lives with my in-laws’ son. I think she should be included in a holiday to help us out, give us time, save us money but above all save us stress.

This paragraph is really entitled. Perhaps this attitude has been noticed.

I agree with PP that 9yo’s would naturally gravitate to each other if they got on.

I think they’ve been fair to offer to take her but ask you to consider next year.

I think this could be a chance for the kids to all spend time together and actually find out if they all get on, make friends etc. It could be great.

I think the strangest thing is that your husband won’t speak to his mum AND has been unaware that she sees the children differently all this time (inferred from the fact he assumed eldest was invited).

I have an older child (adult now) and if our daughter was invited to anything with her dad’s side of the family at a time when her brother was also with us, there would have been no question that both were invited. I wouldn’t have had to get involved because my husband would have dealt with it - either both or nobody is invited and neither child would have ever been aware.

Given that she has a good relationship with her dad, surely your husband just needs to set out a boundary where invitations extended when you have both girls need to include both girls or not be extended at all, and if they want to see youngest alone, she’s alone on XYZ schedule when eldest is with her dad. There’s ample opportunity for in laws to have grandchild time without it being clearly excluding your eldest. This situation only becomes difficult in situations where the stepchild has no relationship with her paternal side and so is there 100% of the time. If that means she misses this summer grandchild camp going forwards then so be it.

ah, ok.

we’re a happy family unit that like each other, so wouldn’t have an issue with seeing my sister at the same time as someone else.

this thread is obviously just totally alien to me.