Refuse holiday for youngest as eldest half-sister excluded even though has impact on childcare

[MarieBaronelovechild]

My parents in law told my husband that they were taking all the kids for a week’s holiday last week of August. This would be amazing, the kids would see their cousins and we would not have to juggle time off and save money on the music camps when we haven’t been able to take time off.

Last Tuesday BiL met husband, it turns out all the kids doesn’t include my daughter from my previous marriage.

BiL says that MiL is prepared to take her as she doesn’t want to upset us but BiL asked if we can have a bit of a rethink next year as MiL and his kids and presumably SiL’s kids, don’t get to see youngest without eldest so disrupting relationships. .

DH still wants to send her with them as MiL is prepared to take her. I don’t and don’t want my youngest going either.

This is Mumsnet, eldest has a father, sees him and he pays for her, more than he has to but can’t take time off in the summer.

My AIBU

Upset with in-laws’ attitude
Not prepared to send eldest on holiday with them.

@MarieBaronelovechild , you might want to read some of the posts by GeorgeClarkefan who was in a very similar position down to the husband's family getting tired of not being able to spend time with the youngest without the eldest being there minus the paternal involvement and what your resentment of your inlaws not seeing your eldest as their grandchild could lead to.

So they have known her since she was 2? I think they are being ridiculously petty and mean to a child. I’d rather lose the money and not send either. You risk causing serious issues between your daughters as they get older. And this is all down to your in-laws being pathetic, not your 9yr old who has no say in who her step father or step family are. I’d be skipping Christmas with them all too. Anyone excluding one of my children would be getting zero time or effort from us.

Or how about what the in laws resentment of a literal child can lead to. I don’t know anyone in real life that treats step children or step grandchildren like this. It’s unkind and spiteful.

This is not the same thing at all. She’s not asking her ex to take a non related child on holiday. Her husband is her child’s stepfather and so they are a family unit now.

Your in laws don't consider your oldest a grandchild. She's not. She has a different father and as long as they treat her politely, that should be fine.

There is a glut of these scenarios on MN at the moment - and I think this should be thr mantra. It is perfectly reasonable that you expect your DH’s parents to be kind and polite to your DD. It is not reasonable to expect them to see her as their grandchild as she is not. Presumably if the elder DD has her own grandparents, younger DD is used to hearing about “sister’s granny”, so why is this so much different?

I’ve got no problem with my sibling. But if every time I wanted to spend time with my parents they had to be there I’d get a bit 🙄.

Just like having some one on one with each of our own children.

It’s like half siblings suddenly become twins. Who cannot ever do anything apart when it comes to step in-laws. Which I also find bonkers, twin parents who won’t let them be their own person just the twins.

Why would it not be the truth though ? It’s coming from BiL, who is clearly the one with the problem.

But they don't resent her. They treat her well, OP says that.

She's just not seen as their grandchild. And that's factual. She has a father and he's involved. If OP and her husband divorced, they would likely never see OP's eldest again.

I think that ‘be kind to children’ shouldn’t be controversial or come with caveats.

I’ve told this story before on MN…. I recently texted my ‘uncle’ who is actually the husband of my mum’s ex partner’s sister to thank him for always being kind and including me and my sister. It was inspire by a thread like this. He responded saying how could he have been any other way, we were lovely kids etc etc. we didn’t holiday with them but we always got presents and were invited for lunch etc. my grandparents must have reciprocated with my ‘step’ sisters, but I can’t say I noticed, which says a lot.

my ‘uncle’ still sees us sometimes, sends cards etc even thought mum has been broken up with her ex for 20 years and his wife died 5 years ago and were in out 30s!

be kind to children, don’t do ‘family tit-for-tat’ … all these people saying ‘don’t she have her own family??’ Well yes, probably, but it couldn’t be further from the point.

OP your husband owes it to you, as his wife, to have this conversation with his mother and father.

How many women on here would be happy to be told by their in-laws that they weren’t welcome to visit, they want to see their son and grandchildren only, not someone who was biologically related to them?

My kids only ever see their grandparents, cousins, aunts etc together. This is the norm for the ages of children that OP has too.

This bizarre part always gets overlooked when families focus so intently on ‘blood grandchildren only.’ How would adopted children factor in? I’m grateful to be from a family and married into a family where we treat step children the same as everyone else. They didn’t ask to be step children or to have a new father figure. It’s cruel to treat them differently. And honestly awful and weird of the adults. They’ve known this little girl since she was 2!

This is the point.

My MIL doesn’t think of me as her own daughter, but she’s extremely kind and welcoming. She’s always there when I need her and treats me like family… because I am.

My in-laws have taken certain children be that age split, interest split or whatever and they are all their biological grandchildren.

Might take just the girls. Or just the boys. Maybe only teenagers. Or just the toddlers.
Only those who like to climb trees or those who want to plant. Because funnily enough we are not just one blob.

A bit of a stretch but perhaps he is concerned about your eldest DD becoming too close to his parents. He may harbour some unwarranted concern about the impact this could have on his/his children's inheritance.

It is also a little presumptuous to expect them to pay for a week's holiday for a child who isn't a blood relative. Your BIL may be concerned about the financial impact that taking your DD away may have on his parents. Feeding her and paying for activities all week would raise the costs considerably. Are they wealthy pensioners, scraping by on a state pension or still working? I'm assuming that she has her own paternal grandparents who are at liberty to treat her. He may think that you are trying to scrounge a free holiday for your daughter.

I’ve never had to navigate the politics of a blended family, but I think this is really sad as are a lot of the responses. The adults involved have known OPs daughter since she was 2 and still don’t see her as part of their family, it would make me question whether I was really seen as part of the family if that’s how my child was treated. And what message does it send to their younger daughter, she’s part of the “real” family and her sister is just an inconvenient add on? I think it would be different if they’d met her as a teenager or something, but I’d be incredibly hurt and would also not send either of them.

Yeah my kids get 1:1 time with me… but only accidentally with GPs (eg toddler nap time the eldest spends 1:1 time, the GPs might take the toddler for a walk to the park to calm him down etc)

The In Laws’ behaviour to my eldest will be perfect but I know what they are thinking and it is unbearable

So it's a you thing.

Is your daughter expecting to go @MarieBaronelovechild ? Is she looking forward to it? If so, I'd send her. I wouldn't disappoint a child because I'm offended, even if I was right to be. The fact that you've said that she'll be treated perfectly, also has a bearing on my opinion.

Once that week is over, I'd be having that conversation with the in-laws. But not now, and I wouldn't be pulling the DD out if she's looking forward to seeing the others.

What is with ‘blood and not blood’ issues…?! I invited my sister and her partner away, implied I’d pay (a room in our lodge so not ‘extra’) only a mad person would expect her partner to offer his share. He was invited as part of the family!

I would ask your DD if she wants to go. I can see the inclination is to say f you to MIL but if your DD wants to go then she should.
I probably wouldn't have assumed that when MIL said all the grandkids that she was including your older DD. Blended families often throw up issues with extended family - as we see time and again on mumsnet, I'm sure it was a surprise to see it happen in your own family but it's not uncommon.
Blood is often (not always, but often) thicker than water when it comes to how people feel about step & half siblings.
For what's it worth, we're blended all over the place in our extended family and sadly for the children involved, the adults can feel however they feel about it all.

I find it to be really sad too. It’s being unkind to a child because of choices that they had no say in. I can’t imagine making a step grandchild I have known from only 2 call me a different name to the other grandchildren and treating them differently. SIL and BIL sound like awful people I’d not want around my children.
I’ve been raised that it’s the norm to treat all children well and equally.
I don’t understand why OPs husband thinks his family is normal and hasn’t challenged it before. The 9yr old sadly is the one who will feel it the most. It must be so uncomfortable for her.

It doesn’t get overlooked, someone mentions it on every single one of these threads.

Adopted children are legally your children. It’s an insult to compare them to stepchildren.

I'd speak to your MIL because this sounds more as if it's what your BIL feels/wants than her. I wouldn't be impressed with your DH either, he's not worried about how his family will treat his DSD, all he can see is how much money you'll save if you send them both.

The in-laws see her as part of their son's family, but that doesn't make her part of their family.

Her husband chose to include her in his nuclear family, but he can't make that choice for others.

I think she should be included in a holiday to help us out, give us time, save us money but above all save us stress.

Given the issues involved and that OP feels entitled to their money, time, and companionship for her eldest, possibly that entitlement has been noted.

Do your eldest's father's parents, if they're still around, ever take your youngest? Do you have the same expectations of them?